Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister solely relying on Mum for childcare

206 replies

HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 18:56

My sister has a 22 month old daughter, and works three days a week, her OH works full time. Our mother lives about ten minutes from her, and a couple of hours away from me. Mum looks after sisters daughter in the three days sis is at work.

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare. However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

I have said that maybe she could cut down looking after my niece if it means she won't be able to spend time with her other grandchild, but sis has said she can't do without my Mum doing the same if not more childcare as she is now. I will be paying for my baby to go to nursery when I go back to work.

I don't begrudge my sister the childcare from my Mum, but AIBU in feeling a bit fed up that my child will see its grandmother less because my sister doesn't want to pay for childcare? We earn very similarly and have same outgoings, so if I can manage it I'm sure she can...

OP posts:
teraculum29 · 25/11/2017 07:38

Op never said that she want childcare from her mum, she only said that she want her mum to visit for few days when the child will be born.
And everyone is assuming that 3 days of childcare for her sister is 3 days in a row when that easily could not be the case.

And also travelling 2 hours with newborn and when you are still recovering is really comfortable isn't it??

Maybe try to speak to your sister so she can get annual leave at the time or arrange another childcare for that time??

maddening · 25/11/2017 07:42

Well your sister could arrange annual leave if your mum is not available for a week or 2 here and there

LouHotel · 25/11/2017 07:50

Presumably your niece will be 2 when you give birth and will be eligable for free childcare from 3.

So we are talking about the first year of your babies life where you want some help from your mum and to spend time with her. YANBU and i would try to remind your sister how difficult and lonely being a first time can sometimes be and that you need a support network. I would never begrudge my sister this.

DressedCrab · 25/11/2017 08:05

I would be upset as well, OP. But it's down to your mum really. She is the one who will have to tell DSis it isn't working for her any more.

autumngold6 · 25/11/2017 08:27

I'm a grandmother who looks after my two year old grandchild two full days a week. I'm retired, but only in my late fifties and fit and healthy. I love having her but it is a big commitment, it is more tiring than when I was bringing up my own toddlers and I need time to do my housework and things I want to do the rest of the week. So I'm a bit shocked at some of the comments about your mum "only" doing 3 days a week childcare for your niece and therefore having time to spend her weekends travelling to see your child. The arrangement with your sister is already standing and it's not your mum's fault that you live further away. Your mum might be able to visit you more when your niece starts her free nursery hours in just over a year's time. Is your mum aware of the free nursery hours from age 3? In the meantime you could suggest that you take your baby over one weekend day per fortnight to see your mum. Don't fall out over it. My own mother died before my children were born and I had no support so I know it's not easy but at least you still have your mum - don't spoil what should be a lovely time for all of you by insisting on equal time, that would be unreasonable. By the way, how old is your mum?

Farfromtheusual · 25/11/2017 08:32

Not understanding the rage at people who's parents look after their children.

Me either Confused

My DM looks after DS 1 or 2 days a week, as does my sister. We didn't ask either of them, they offered and are only too happy to do it because they love DS and want to spend time with him. We could probably actually manage to pay for childcare if we had to. If either of them ever have a day that they cannot do, I would never say no, you can't I need you, we would just figure something out and we always do. They always check before they arrange anything on a day I might need them so I'm quite lucky.

Up until recently MIL had him for 2 set days a week, again no asking, she offered. However she has let us down saying she can't have him on one of the days she had previously agreed to and has arranged X Y and Z on the other day up until after Xmas so can't have him then either (didn't check if we needed her which is annoying but hey 🤷‍♀️). We have said it's fine and that we can manage. Luckily DP has a few days off in the week and can swap his days to suit what we need but my days are fixed and cannot be changed unless it's an emergency.

Unfortunately, we do rely on the help from my family but it's not expected, if they ever want to stop doing it, that's their prerogative and I would never make them feel guilty for it.

I think you are being unfair on your sister. Not sure how you can possibly know you both have he exact same incomings and outgoings? She has a child which is an extra expense you don't actually have yet?

HelloSquirrels · 25/11/2017 09:20

You sound bitter that you have to fork out for nursery fees and your mum won't do it for free...another hypocrite

Im really not bitter. I had a baby full well knowing id had to pay for nursery. If i felt that strongly about it i wouldn't have haf a baby would i! Why would i expect ger to do it for free when i know she works full time?

Its funny because youre trying to start an argument over one comment that you cant seem to even understand properly!

HelloSquirrels · 25/11/2017 09:21

Oh and even if she didnt work i wouldn't expect her to do it for free anyway!

Threenme · 25/11/2017 11:35

My mil, mum and dh auntie looked after our oldest two before school and we never paid a penny in childcare. Now they're at school they go after school for tea, have weekend and holiday sleep overs. They all took them on hol for a few days in big hols shocking as it is some gps like their gc!!! I'd have been really annoyed if my db had a baby and have started showing off about a pre arrange agreement. I'm very lucky as db loves my kids like his own.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 25/11/2017 11:38

Op never said that she want childcare from her mum, she only said that she want her mum to visit for few days when the child will be born.

I think this is as much a misreading of the OP as those who are saying she wants regular free childcare from her mum too, tbh.

As I understand it, OP wants her mum to be somewhat available to her and her unborn child in some sort of ongoing basis - which feels INCREDIBLY normal and reasonable. Short of those who are no/low contact with their parents, I think it's something we'd all hope for. It might be catching up over a weekly coffee, it might be taking out the baby for a walk while OP rests, whatever - different families work differently.

The bit I personally don't get is why the three days for her sister necessarily stand in the way of this. That leaves FOUR DAYS EVERY WEEK. My mum works full time, and provides very little childcare for me - that's fine, it's what I expected - but we do see her at least every other weekend and DS has a close relationship with her, which we all value. I'd be hurt if she didn't seem to want that - and OP's mum has two extra days compared to mine, so I'd be all the more hurt in that situation.

Re: time off after the birth - yeah, id think the mother/sister were unreasonable if they refused to make alternative arrangements for a week or so if OP had asked for this. Again, my mum took a week off to be with me after DS was born, and I think will do the same again when DC2 arrives next year (although I do need to double check this!). But it's not clear to me that OP has even asked for this, much less been refused.

FritzDonovan · 25/11/2017 12:20

YANBU to think your dsis is BU. In my experience some go don't feel like they can refuse to provide childcare if asked, even if it wears them out and costs them money. My parents look after my sister's DC after school a few nights a week, sometimes Saturday and school holidays and will be doing the full week during the xmas hol. I think it's too much for them (esp as they have been known to fall asleep during the day because they're worn out, this wasn't even in a full week of care) but there's no way they will say no to my sister. I know I'll be invited along with my DC to take the pressure off men (?), but in reality it makes it easier as kids occupy each other and I do the discipline bit. I wouldn't feel quite so resentful if sis'd actually considered alternatives and hadn't said before taking the job that it would only be in emergencies.
It does mean I am reluctant to ask as I don't want to put further pressure on them, and I'm guessing you'll have this problem too, OP.

Lemonnaise · 25/11/2017 12:51

Unfortunately, we do rely on the help from my family but it's not expected, if they ever want to stop doing it, that's their prerogative and I would never make them feel guilty for it

I think you are being unfair on your sister

How big of you to 'never make them feel guilty'. You'd have no bloody right anyway. You have help free childcare which the OP doesn't want from your mother,sister and MIL and you're telling OP she's being unfair for wanting a little bit of her mothers' timeHmm. Honestly the irony of your post is lost on you.

Lemonnaise · 25/11/2017 12:57

Its funny because youre trying to start an argument over one comment that you cant seem to even understand properly!

Your comment is crystal clear...just not to you.
It sounds like you are just jealous that yoir sister gets free childcare even though you claim not to want it

Dont get me wrong id like my mum to have my son while im at work because its gets boring paying nearly a grand a month to a nursery. But she works full time - me and my son still get to spend time with her though

If you can throw about words like 'jealous' I can throw it back at you eg 'bitter'...seems to have touched a nerve, not nice is it?

HelloSquirrels · 25/11/2017 13:01

You really havent touched a nerve.... i accepted the minute i got pregnant i would have tp pay a nursery!

ForgivenessIsDivine · 25/11/2017 13:14

OP, I get it and as many others have said, unfortunately, it is not unusual, the first child to have their own children gets enthusiastic grandparents who are then too committed or worn out to do the same for subsequent grandchildren. Or the child that lives closest to parents develops a closer day to day relationship which unfortunately leaves less time available to do non-routine visits to children who live further away. Close sibling thinks, tough, I choose to live here, you choose to move away..... distant sibling thinks parents should spend time with both sets of grandchildren. No one can see the other's point of view...

Atenco · 25/11/2017 15:14

Lemonnaise you really, really want a fight don't you?

Farfromtheusual · 25/11/2017 17:08

Oh bog off Lemon - I know I'd have no bloody right, I only said I would never make them feel guilty because from what OP has said that is what she thinks her sister has done? Hmm

And I think OP is being unfair because she basically thinks her Sister can afford to put her child in nursery as she apparently knows they have the same income and outgoings and that nursery will obviously cost the exact same price where she lives and where her sister lives, so sister should do it just because OP will be doing it too!

OP is not unfair for wanting time with her mum, but she has 4 days a week she is not
caring for DN, I don't see what the issue is to be honest. I think if her mum really wants to spend time with her she will make her effort and not blame her other daughter for not being able to do so, it's a bit of a cop out.

Not that I have to explain my opinions to you 🙄

Viviennemary · 25/11/2017 18:19

I think the issue is that the OP's mother basically has a job three days a week for which she isn't being paid and which means she won't have the time to see OP's child as much. Because sister got in first. It's cheeky IMHO.

burntup · 25/11/2017 18:24

Why can't you travel a bit to see your niece and mum. You are not going to need your mum for childcare whilst you are on mat leave.

Lemonnaise · 25/11/2017 18:26

Lemonnaise you really, really want a fight don't you?

Um no. I just don't like some of the hypocritical responses upthread. One poster admits her mother, sister and MIL all do free child-care for her and she had the cheek to slate OP for wanting some of her mothers time NOT FREE CHILDCARE. Other one moans about paying 1,000 a month to nursery, admits she would like her mother to help....and then calls OP jealous..come on.

Farfromtheusual · 25/11/2017 18:29

Erm where did I slate OP for wanting her mothers time Lemon???

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/11/2017 18:30

I think GP can get very enthusiastic first time and not resllly think about when their other kids have GC

Classic case here

That said it's only 3 days which does leave 4 for you to visit

The childcare is only an issue if it becomes one / are you and sister in equal footing money wise ?

MissDuke · 25/11/2017 18:36

How often do you visit your mum at present?

I can understand why you are annoyed but I really think this has to be about your mum. She must feel so torn! My mum has always done my childcare, she had been doing it for 12 years when my sibling had a baby. I obviously said I was happy to pay now so that the baby can get minded by my mum but my mum refused as she didn't think it was fair to stop the arrangement with my lot. We sorted it by all mucking in together, I mind the baby on my days off to minimise what my mum has to do, but mum still gets the benefit of a close relationship with all of her grandchildren which is so important to her.

Obviously your issue is really that you live so far away. Would your mum really want to be doing all that travel?

cheminotte · 25/11/2017 18:44

I haven't read past the first few pages but think people are being a bit mean to the OP. Lots of people live a few hours away from where they grew up, it doesn't mean they should have no relationship with their family!
It sounds like OP would like her mum for some support in the early baby days, perhaps in week 3 when Dad is back at work. This is totally understandable and her mum would probably like to support her DD but can't / won't promise to help because of the childcare she is providing to her other DD.

user7680 · 25/11/2017 18:45

I hope my children don’t use me like this in the future.....i will be migrating

Swipe left for the next trending thread