Sister solely relying on Mum for childcare

[HerNameWasCleo]

My sister has a 22 month old daughter, and works three days a week, her OH works full time. Our mother lives about ten minutes from her, and a couple of hours away from me. Mum looks after sisters daughter in the three days sis is at work.

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare. However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

I have said that maybe she could cut down looking after my niece if it means she won't be able to spend time with her other grandchild, but sis has said she can't do without my Mum doing the same if not more childcare as she is now. I will be paying for my baby to go to nursery when I go back to work.

I don't begrudge my sister the childcare from my Mum, but AIBU in feeling a bit fed up that my child will see its grandmother less because my sister doesn't want to pay for childcare? We earn very similarly and have same outgoings, so if I can manage it I'm sure she can...

And yes, it's obvious that you do begrudge your sister the care provided by your Mum.

Hell... are Posters NRTFT? She's not asking for childcare!

I can totally empathise with this as we are in the same situation. My mum very rarely visits us (twice a year maybe), partly as she has no time due to looking after my sister's children, but also I think because she has no energy or desire to spend yet another day with young children.

Having said that, it is really up to your mum. It's not unreasonable of your sister to ASK her to do it, but it would be unreasonable for her to expect it. Your mum should say no if it's too much of a commitment.

I think you should have an honest chat with your mum about how you are feeling about all this. Do it now before your baby is born - if you just leave it (as I have done!) you'll only feel more and more resentful as the years go on.

would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare

I will be paying for my baby to go to nursery when I go back to work

Roussette She's not asking for it, but wants it.

You know that do you? She's said she's going to pay for childcare, why do you presume you know this?

Nothingrhymeswithfamily: " they never see their grandparents alone as sisters children are all ways there"
Us too. I hate it.

Op is taking as if her dm is unavailable all week when she has 4days available. Her dm arrangement has been ongoing long before op was pregnant, her gd will be starting school next year it sounds like she’s happy caring for her dn especially it’s been a long standing issue.

Does your mum actually want to do childcare for two families? Between you and your sister, you are expecting eight days work a week. Before she starts driving between locations. And the distance... get off your high horse now, please. You need to make local arrangements and stop thinking your mum will take up the slack.

Big difference is the distance. The every day day-to-day contact just becomes s
o easy and relaxed. Visiting others hours away every so often is a totally different dynamic. There's more pressure to have fun, for the kids to "be good " , for everyone to get along etc, etc....in the daily contact scenario it's just something to sort over coffee but in the other , it becomes a bit of a Big deal and stressful - everything has got to be great cos it doesn't happen every day.
Good luck x

sqidsin

Nothingrhymeswithfamily: " they never see their grandparents alone as sisters children are all ways there"
Us too. I hate it

What’s wrong with encouraging a relationship between cousins or should they be excluded when other G.C are visiting?

How annoying is this... OP is NOT asking for childcare for 4 days a week! I wish ppl would read the OP

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare.

However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

** 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

No, but you said she wants to build a relationship, but nothing is stopping that.

It sounds like your mum is keen to be involved with your DC too. She currently has 4 days "off" by the sounds of it? Most of my friends' mums still work in paid employment (so pretty much inflexible) for 3+ days a week and still have plenty of time for GCs.

One of the nicest things my mum told me was that my GM and GF used to visit "for an hour or two each week" when I was a baby. My GM talks about it like it was no biggie, but they were in Leicester and we were in Kent, and both worked around 30 hours pw. She will make time for you. Please don't worry!

Exactly this - encourage a relationship between the cousins.
Who’d be a GP these days.

Op is acting as if her dm is babysitting DN full time, it’s 3DAYS leaving 4DAYS your DN just doesn’t want to commit to travelling down all the time.

Maybe your mum could visit with your niece occasionally?

Take the fact that it's childcare for your sister out of the equation.

Your mum is busy three days a week.

She can still visit you.

PLenty of parents have mums who work fulltime.

As a single mum of a 21 month old whose mum takes care of her grandchild 3 days a week while I work, then I think YABU

It's the distance that is the issue really but I'm sure it'll work itself out. You can travel to her or she can travel to you and bring your niece too. It won't be 3 days a week but that doesn't mean your baby won't have a strong bond with your mum. I really wouldn't worry about it too much, these things often seem worse in our heads.

Having never lived less than four hours drive from my closest relative, I always expected to pay for childcare. My family are spread all over the world, so help has always been paid, and professional. Some has been lovely and some less great.

God so many posters tonight are so keen to be GFs that they can’t even read the OP without jumping on you...

It’s completely reasonable to want some moral support and a few visits from your Mum after your first baby. I’m amazed anyone is saying that’s an unreasonable request. You don’t want paid childcare, you want some time with your own mother bonding with your baby.

I do think that your sister is being unreasonable if she is insisting that your Mum has to do her childcare, if she knows that that means your Mum can’t see you after you have your baby (and people saying you can drive up - I had a c-section, so wasn’t driving anywhere for the first six weeks). It sounds like she’s the one hoarding your Mum.

I love the way that mums are slated in here for banning visitors for newborns, but when you do want your mum to come and meet your new baby you are being selfish and ought to know that your mum has far better things to do with her time than meet new grandchildren.

I’d have a chat with your Mum, and ask if there is any way she can come down at all once you’ve had the baby. I wouldn’t approach your sister directly - this is likely to be better coming from your Mum herself.

My mum came to visit for a week to help me settle in with my DS and did all the household jobs while I recovered from the delivery. As she did for my Dsis a few years earlier. BUT, as her home is 4 hours away (and the inlaws are 6 hrs away), there is no family help.

There’s another 4days to visit op is jealous of her dn relationship with her dm

That's such an immature statement.

Travelling for 2 hours to look after your child is asking too much on a regular basis

FFS Read the bloody thread will you. ^That is something you've just made up. Nowhere has OP said she wants her Mother to 'look after' her baby.

OCSockOrphanage

Please read the full fuckin thread before slating the OP