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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister solely relying on Mum for childcare

206 replies

HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 18:56

My sister has a 22 month old daughter, and works three days a week, her OH works full time. Our mother lives about ten minutes from her, and a couple of hours away from me. Mum looks after sisters daughter in the three days sis is at work.

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare. However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

I have said that maybe she could cut down looking after my niece if it means she won't be able to spend time with her other grandchild, but sis has said she can't do without my Mum doing the same if not more childcare as she is now. I will be paying for my baby to go to nursery when I go back to work.

I don't begrudge my sister the childcare from my Mum, but AIBU in feeling a bit fed up that my child will see its grandmother less because my sister doesn't want to pay for childcare? We earn very similarly and have same outgoings, so if I can manage it I'm sure she can...

OP posts:
Thymeout · 24/11/2017 19:57

Regarding sibling rivalry for granny's attention, please bear in mind that the one who has babies first is likely to get more of their mother's time. What she did for one dd, when she was younger, may not be possible when another dd starts her family, even when distance is not a factor. Grannies suffer burn-out in relation to child-care, and their knees begin to play up as they get older.

Filzma · 24/11/2017 19:57

OP take the high road. In fact, don't wait for mum to visit, take baby there. Don't bring up anything. It'll resolve itself. Your mums probably going to enjoy spending time with your baby because it's not another chore.

You're blessed to have your mum alive. Focus on the bond between baby and GP.

NerrSnerr · 24/11/2017 19:58

What are you going to broach with your sister? It’s her arraignment with your mhm between them. If your mum wants to do less childcare for her that’s her call.

We moved away from both sets of parents and they do childcare with their local nephews and nieces. I would never get involved in their agreement-it’s none of my business. I just use a nursery like everyone else.

Rachie1973 · 24/11/2017 19:58

FuckOffDailyMailCunts
Stay well out of their arrangement and don't broach it with your sister, just let them get on with it. Your Mum is an adult so can say no if she wants.

Yup. This.

StefMay · 24/11/2017 20:01

To put it into perspective...
My Dad spends more time with his partner's grandchildren than his own.

This is because they live closer. We are 2hrs away and they are 30 mins.

I do not begrudge them this at all. It makes perfect sense and we love and treasure the time we do get to spend with them.

When you have children you have to arrange childcare - the grandparents should not be an entitlement. You can request and they can decline.

I never asked them. It's us as parents that are responsible for the care of our children - not them; they've done it already!

Original poster
HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 20:02

You're blessed to have your mum alive. Focus on the bond between baby and GP.

Absolutely true. I've thought about it too much and missed what matters!

OP posts:
Nothingrhymeswithfamily · 24/11/2017 20:03

I could be you. Honestly it's between your mum and sister there's nothing you could say really.
I'm so sad that my kids don't have the same relationship hers do, they never see their grandparents alone as sisters kids are always their, it's very very sad. It upsets me a lot but unless my parents say something to my sister it is how it is.

I just hope when my parents need extra support my sister remembers

AnnabellaH · 24/11/2017 20:04

My parents are basically trying to force me out to work again so they can have my 6m old to themselves for 3 days a week. Are some posters forgetting that a lot of grandparents are happy to do this? Or is it not something you'd do for your own child too?

idfwu · 24/11/2017 20:05

You moved away. No point being jealous over your sisters good luck with your mum and you paying for childcare.
Tough luck!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 24/11/2017 20:05

I think people are being quite harsh here.

It's fair for the OP to be feeling a bit sad here.

FWIW, before my baby was born I was quite worried she would miss out on getting to know her grandparents because my brother made quite a big deal out of how much he relied on my parents to step in when needed. It wasn't the same - it wasn't a regular childcare situation - but my brother made me feel as if he'd always expect mum to prioritise him because he'd planned his life assuming she could.

Baby is now 7 months and my mum has, to my surprise, spent a lot of time caring for her. I didn't ask, but she offered, and gradually it became clear she actually found it easier to come to me than my brother, because I didn't put pressure on her to come and I didn't treat her as an endless resource to be called upon at will.

The OP might find her mum reacts similarly!

GU24Mum · 24/11/2017 20:06

If you think your sister is asking too much of your mother who can't say no, unfortunately you've missed the time to say so to be honest. If you'd brought it up before you were pregnant, that was one thing but now your sister will assume that you're only bothered now because you want your "fair share".

Original poster
HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 20:06

StefMay I never asked them. It's us as parents that are responsible for the care of our children - not them; they've done it already! I agree with this which is why I'm frustrated with my sister!

OP posts:
NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 24/11/2017 20:07

MN is often very weird about grandparents providing childcare - and totally I get that it shouldn't be an automatic expectation etc etc, but I'm very much expecting to want to look after any grandchildren I have, at least from time to time.

OP, you have mixed things going on. If your beef is your sister taking advantage and your DM feeling unable to say no - well, I still think she's a grown woman, she's your sister's mother ffs, she ought to be able to say no for herself if she wants to. But also, if that's the problem then that's nothing to do with your baby and wanting your DM to spend time with you/your baby. Feels a bit convenient that you're concerned your sister is taking the piss exactly at the time when it would suit you.

I would have more sympathy with your sister's post on the matter actually - "AIBU to be hacked off that my pregnant sister is interfering in my childcare arrangements?"

Original poster
HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 20:08

LDR you have perfectly understood the situation!

Annabella that's lovely your parents are so keen.

OP posts:
BellyBean · 24/11/2017 20:08

Free childcare once the child is 3 will free up your mum. But it's up to your mum to put her foot down if she wants to see your child that much. She's not obliged to do 3 days if that's not what she wants.

Filzma · 24/11/2017 20:08

Annabella are your sure your baby is 6m and not 22m? 🤔😝

Original poster
HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 20:09

Nell I've always thought it was a bit out of order, but it was between her and my Mum. I care more now it's affecting me more IYSWIM. Which I think is natural?

OP posts:
MadMags · 24/11/2017 20:10

OP chooses to live two hours away.

Not only that, but the fact that she has audacity to want to broach it with her sister is unreal!

@OP you cannot "broach" it with your sister. It's none of your business. And it's not your sister's fault that you live that far away.

JingleBellTime · 24/11/2017 20:11

I've seen this happen within my extended family, in this case it was both grand parents. Sibling 1 had a DC and after maternity leave although she had a flexible childminder and a partner expected the GP to pick up all of the other childcare even on her days off so she could sleep etc. Then about 10 months later Sibling 2 had a child, they lived about 1 hour away and worked full time as did their partner. The only childcare available to them was if sibling 1 didn't require it or if the DC of sibling 1 could come too.

Because of this there is now 1 very spoilt gc and one who barely has a relationship with her grandparents or cousin.

Original poster
HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 20:12

Mad and all others saying I moved away, I don't "choose" to live two hours away. I moved here to get a job, of which there were none where my family are.

OP posts:
idfwu · 24/11/2017 20:13

Moving away for a job is a choice.
Were you frog matched?

idfwu · 24/11/2017 20:16

marched

AliPfefferman · 24/11/2017 20:18

OP you don’t have a sister problem, you have a mum problem. Your mum is a grown woman and she makes her own choices. If she doesn’t want to say no to your sister that’s on her, and I can definitely understand why you are hurt.

Also I think some PPs are misunderstanding and thinking you expect your mum to come to your house daily. You’re just saying you’d like her to be able to come more often and spend time, right?

Filzma · 24/11/2017 20:19

Smh how did this degenerate into frog march? Smh people need to stop self projecting.

She's justified to feel the way she does but has decided to take the higher road.

OP you don't need to justify yourself anymore.

MadMags · 24/11/2017 20:20

Justified to feel like the four free days her mum has aren't enough for her, she also wants her mum free to visit on the days that she does childcare for sister?

How is that justified???