Sister solely relying on Mum for childcare

[HerNameWasCleo]

My sister has a 22 month old daughter, and works three days a week, her OH works full time. Our mother lives about ten minutes from her, and a couple of hours away from me. Mum looks after sisters daughter in the three days sis is at work.

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare. However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

I have said that maybe she could cut down looking after my niece if it means she won't be able to spend time with her other grandchild, but sis has said she can't do without my Mum doing the same if not more childcare as she is now. I will be paying for my baby to go to nursery when I go back to work.

I don't begrudge my sister the childcare from my Mum, but AIBU in feeling a bit fed up that my child will see its grandmother less because my sister doesn't want to pay for childcare? We earn very similarly and have same outgoings, so if I can manage it I'm sure she can...

Well clearly you do begrudge your sister the childcare from your Mum and you want childcare from her.
I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but you are telling porkies as the above is glaringly obvious from your post.

Sorry not that's what I mean, is my sister BU to expect this childcare, because my Mum should be able to choose what she wants IYSWIM. Mum said she doesn't feel able to say no.

We’re in exactly the same situation. My dc’s hardly see my pil’s as they are tied to childcare for their other gc’s. They retired just before their first grandchild was born (my sil’s) and got a static caravan that they’d planned on going to one week out of three. Since SIL has gone back to work they haven’t managed to visit their caravan once. They’ve never stayed with us for more than 2 days as they always have to go home to look after other gc’s, when we go to them we can only stay a couple of days as they’re babysitting and not enough room for us all .

It’s really sad for my dc’s and I know dh is resentful that his sisters kids seem to be so clearly favoured. I more feel sad for my pil’s as the are clearly absolutely knackered, they are both in not great health and they are just spacing their way through their retirement.

What notreallyarsed said. Your mum is being treated like a commodity to be shared around. Why don't you both pay for childcare and let her enjoy her well-earned retirement? She could still see lots of her DGC, but on her terms.

If your Mum is looking after your niece three days a week then that means she has four days a week to herself, any one of which she could use to visit you if she wanted to do so. There are plenty of grandparents who work full time and still see their grandchildren regularly.

It seems like you're very focused on blaming your sister but your Mum does have a choice here. I also think it's a bit unreasonable to move two hours away from your mum and then expect her to go back on her commitment to your sister in order to spend more time with you.

No I don't think your sister is BU. They already have an arrangement which works for them both and I can see why it may seem unfair but you live miles away so it's hardly going to balance out.

Yabu you sound like my DB who lives 5 hours away (there own choice) who resents if my dm spends time with my dc who live locally. It’s a personal choice you made that by living away you wouldn’t have childcare like the arrangement your dm has with your sister. You come across rather bitter about it when your situation is of your own making.

If your mum wants to do your sisters childcare, then it's win-win, and completely up to her.

DailyMail ok, I guess I have to accept that. I wrote my OP a bit clumsily, I was more thinking that I felt annoyed at my sister for expecting this from my Mum. I guess IABU.

Is your sister actually expecting it though? Nothing in your OP suggests that? Would she not organise a childminder or take some annual leave for a couple of weeks so your mum could stay with you for a bit when the baby is born?

3 days a week still leaves plenty of time for your mum to visit you if she’s happy to travel, if your mum feels 3 days is too much then she has every right to tell your sister that but presumably she has no idea?

My DM looks after my DS one day a week and one evening, he's at nursery 3 days. I pay DM £50 a week for her help.

I'm clearly being done over by DM, judging by the attitude of you and your sister - I hadn't realised you could get away with indentured labour again.

She'll make time when baby is born. 4 hrs is a bit of a treck. Invite her down for a weekend to come visit.

I think your sister is being unreasonable. Just because she’s had the first gc doesn’t mean she should get first dibs on your mum forever.

Three days a week is a massive commitment. Reducing it to two days (and her child going to nursery on one day) would give your mum both more flexibility in her own life and more chance to spend time with you and your new baby. Is your sister the golden child or is she just more arsey if she doesn’t get her own way?

It's between them and has nothing to do with you.
I say that as someone who has 2DC who have never been looked after ever by a grandparent yet MIL acts as a third parent to SIL's DC.
I couldn't care less, their loss.

That was an arrangement made long before you were pregnant and they live locally. You have another 4days available why you can see your dm. But it’s a lot
To expect your dm to be travelling back and forth when you can always travel up.

I'd feel aggrieved too. But the one really being put upon, as lots of others have said, is your Mum.

I bet she really feels caught in the middle.

Rather than venting on here (which is entirely understandable), can't you talk to your sister about this?

Honestly OP it's none of your god damn business. Your DM is an adult and perfectly capable of deciding whether she wants to care for your DN of come and visit you. Perhaps she enjoys looking after her GC? You're jealous and bitter, it's not pretty.

@HerNameWasCleo it comes across like your Mum is being caught in the middle of you and your sister and that must be really hard for her. You can’t expect things to change because you’re having a baby, it’s just not fair.

Crikey, if I was your mum I'd want a rest from all children!

I think it's totally upto your mum how she chooses to spend her time. She presumably agreed to provide childcare for your sister - it's not like anyone held a gun to her head and made her do it.

I presume you moved away from your home area for some reason, so I think you have to accept your mum won't be able to spend as much time with you as she does your sister. Two hours each way adds up pretty quickly.

As for a PP saying If she's happy to travel then surely she could bring your niece why on earth should a 2yo be strapped into a car seat for four hours day on a regular basis? That's no fun for anyone.

Dowager I'm going to broach it with my sister, but thought I was being reasonable in my worry that sis is asking too much of my Mum.

Quite a few opinions here (that I asked for to give me some perspective) so I think I'll tread much more carefully than I might have done.

I think I'll stay well out of their arrangement and just see what my Mum wants to do. Thanks all.

Have you always been competitive with your sister, OP

I can see why you are disappointed that your mother is not committing to come down and see you, but she could say no to your sister. You say she doesn't feel able to - she could ask her to make arrangement for a week. It's down to your mum really IMO.

It is difficult when you move away.

Not understanding the rage at people who's parents look after their children. Surely if everybody is happy with the arrangement it's always going to be better that your children are with your family when they're little? Obviously not on if grandparents are not happy though.

Stay well out of their arrangement and don't broach it with your sister, just let them get on with it. Your Mum is an adult so can say no if she wants.

Yes you are right Daily.