Sister solely relying on Mum for childcare

[HerNameWasCleo]

My sister has a 22 month old daughter, and works three days a week, her OH works full time. Our mother lives about ten minutes from her, and a couple of hours away from me. Mum looks after sisters daughter in the three days sis is at work.

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare. However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

I have said that maybe she could cut down looking after my niece if it means she won't be able to spend time with her other grandchild, but sis has said she can't do without my Mum doing the same if not more childcare as she is now. I will be paying for my baby to go to nursery when I go back to work.

I don't begrudge my sister the childcare from my Mum, but AIBU in feeling a bit fed up that my child will see its grandmother less because my sister doesn't want to pay for childcare? We earn very similarly and have same outgoings, so if I can manage it I'm sure she can...

What is a GF, and why is it bad? Sorry, old and ignorant...

My mum came to visit for a week to help me settle in with my DS and did all the household jobs while I recovered from the delivery

You say this^ and have the audacity to say the following to the OP
get off your high horse now, please. You need to make local arrangements and stop thinking your mum will take up the slack

OP just want some support THE SAME AS WHAT YOU RECEIVED!! The hypocrisy of your posts is astonishing.

Your mum has 4 spare days a week without your niece. Why doesn't she visit you then? Or you visit her?

It sounds like you are just jealous that yoir sister gets free childcare even though you claim not to want it.

Dont get me wrong id like my mum to have my son while im at work because its gets boring paying nearly a grand a month to a nursery. But she works full time - me and my son still get to spend time with her though.

Could your mum sometimes come to see you for an afternoon, bringing the 22m old with her?

It sounds like you are just jealous that yoir sister gets free childcare even though you claim not to want it

Dont get me wrong id like my mum to have my son while im at work because its gets boring paying nearly a grand a month to a nursery

You sound bitter that you have to fork out for nursery fees and your mum won't do it for free...another hypocrite.

I didn't think I was slating anyone jenna. There's a balance surely, between your generation, who understand all the shorthand, and mine (I am 61) who don't.

Every generation has difficult and different references as to what is or should be normal. IN my family, it is that there is no one who can be with you in less than four hours. My DM and DMIL are both in their 80s and won't be helpful with great grand children, because they are too old . My DSis is about to be a Gma, but she lives overseas, and is eight hours away. She will be helpful, but children are parents' responsibility. My child is still at school, so any mention of grandchildren will have me looking up abortion clinics and being forceful about it.

The Mum needs to say sorry but I have two grandchildren now and I must split my time between them in a way that is seen to be fair. I think it's out of order than the sister gets free childcare thus restricting her Mum's freedom of choice to visit her otherr grandchild when she wishes.

I hate freeloaders who expect their parents to look after their children free while they pile up the money. I've seen a few cases of this. Selfish and entitled.

The Mum needs to say sorry but I have two grandchildren now and I must split my time between them in a way that is seen to be fair. I think it's out of order than the sister gets free childcare thus restricting her Mum's freedom of choice to visit her otherr grandchild when she wishes

Op lives 2hours away a decision she made. it’s going to be extreme difficult to keep things even or fair as you say. Are you saying ops dm should restrict her time with her dn because op lives further away?

Belle,

Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? I don't get it?!

My (only) kid was born when I was 43, I was regarded as a very high risk pregnancy but it was entirely ordinary. During infancy, I paid for childcare; it cost at least a third of everything I earned, so I gave up working for myself. I spent 65% of my earned income on tax and childcare. You have to be daft to do that. SO I stopped, and the exchequer is worse off as a result.

Jealousy is an awful thing op.

I speak from the experience of a sister who has had nearly 18 years of free childcare and this continues. That my parents couldn't or weren't able to give my children anywhere near a similar amount of time has eaten away at me and is just one of the reasons we barely communicate. My children haven't seen their grandparents in quite some time now.

I understand completely your feelings. It's not necessarily that you want free childcare, but to have some of your mum's time without your sister taking it up. It's easy to say 'mum has niece for 3 days so has 4 days free' but the reality is in those 4 days she is going to want to do things she can't always do with a small child around. It takes away the spontaneity of saying 'come round for/let's go out for lunch'.

I had hoped things would change once my then youngest niece started school. That my youngest two would be able to see their grandparents without having to always share their time with their cousins. But then my sister became a single parent and thus demanded more of my parents time. Then she met someone else, had another child and the cycle continues.

It hurt me most when my mum refused to be there for me if (and this was a big if) I went into labour early - 39 weeks mind - while Dh himself was in hospital. Then just 5 months later she was dashing my sister to the hospital and being with her throughout labour and delivery while sister sent now ex h to work!!!!

I still haven't got over that. It showed me just how my parents felt about my sister and I.

I don't know what the answer is as every time I've tried to explain how the situation made me feel, my feelings have been completely dismissed.

All I'll say is if you want to see you mum still, you are going to have to either put up with your sisters child(ren) being there or making very regular weekend plans with your parents.

I’m not being obtuse as I said further up there’s another 4days available it doesn’t take an genius to see that op dm is using her dn to not to commit herself to travelling down all the time. The key is in the wording she used, she states “ she’s not sure how much” that does not mean she won’t be able to visit. Ops DM hasn’t said she won’t come down just she doesn’t want to commit herself to coming down as a regular occurrence plus there’s nothing stopping op coming up with baby and building a cousin relationship with her dn aswell as a grandparent relationship.

Perhaps if her mum was free on the 3 days too, the distance might not even have been an issue? See I'm speculating same way you are about the distance.

OP is justified in feeling some type of way. Her mum outrightly saying she can't spend enough time with her because she has to mind her niece. So even if she goes down on a day her mum is minding the niece, she won't fully be present but rather chasing after a toddler.

Is it such a bad thing her dn having a relationship with a cousin?

No ones saying that.

Belle - Of course not. But a relationship with gps is more important, I think. And so does Op. There will be other occasions for the cousins to get together.

Op - I do sympathise because I was in a similar situation with my MiL, whose daughter needed her more than I did, so, inevitably, she saw more of the gc on that side. But in the end it didn't matter. My dc never realised how often their cousins saw their gm, and she was better with older dcs anyway. They all have fond memories of her and she always managed to find time to have an individual relationship with each of them. Hopefully, your dm will be the same.

I still say the Mum is completely at liberty to decide what to do with her own time

I think it's wrong to expect your mum to change her current lifestyle set up because you got pregnant and live far away. Nobody forced you to move, there would have been jobs available less than two hours away.

You claim not to want free childcare yet state "I would like to need and rely on her too" implying that you don't want a visit unless it comes with childcare or assistance.

So many seem to be getting more and more entitled, they want a child but expect others to rearrange their lives to do childcare etc.

It's not the distance that's the problem as I see it. It's the sister expecting free childcare every week for three days. OP says she is not expecting childcare on a regular basis. Grandparents shouldn't be used for free childcare like this IMHO. Being tied down to working unwaged for three days a week. No thanks. Too cheeky.

I totally understand the OP. One grandchild is being put first. And tough that freeloading sis got in their first. I'd be furious if it was me.

The Mum needs to say sorry but I have two grandchildren now and I must split my time between them in a way that is seen to be fair. I think it's out of order than the sister gets free childcare thus restricting her Mum's freedom of choice to visit her otherr grandchild when she wishes

I'm never so glad I only had one child than when reading about sibling rivalry on mumsnet. Could you not all grow up?

I am a grandmother and I think the mum/grandmother needs to do whatever the hell she wants, frankly.

I did have childcare support from my mother, because and up to the point that she wanted to. I also support my dd, but it is up to me not to be imposed upon.

This happened in my family. My sister had children first, so my mum used to do one day a month for her (it saved her £70 a month). Mine and my other siblings children then came along and it became pretty obvious that the arrangement wasn’t fair and eventually my mum spoke to my sister and stopped it. This one day exhausted my mum as she just couldn’t keep up with my niece once she started running off and using a scooter and it also meant she was using time to see one grandchild regularly which made it tricky to see the others even irregularly, as one week a month was out each month and she couldn’t face the journey up here too regularly as she gets tired.

Neither my other sister or I ever said anything about it, but it stopped anyway as not surprisingly, the unfairness of it became too clear (why should one GC get 24 hours of 1:1 time each month whilst the others never do?) and also, my mum thought our children were just as wonderful and she wanted to split time evenly.

I would keel quiet. Be nice about it and I’m pretty sure it will resolve itself. Your mum probably doesn’t understand that she’s going to love your child as much as your sisters yet. This is fair enough - I was worried I couldn’t love my second as much as my first and a really do.

I hate freeloaders who expect their parents to look after their children free while they pile up the money. I've seen a few cases of this. Selfish and entitled.
What if the grandparents actually want to look after the gc? Are the parents still selfish and entitled?
I really don't understand this attitude, does nobody in your family help each other? Is there no such thing as actually wanting to see your gc?

Being tied down to working unwaged for three days a week. No thanks. Too cheeky.
Perhaps she doesn't see it as work?

These comments seem to stem entirely from jealousy (just like the whole thread really!)

You are not worried your sister is asking too much of your mum. Otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for her to free up some space so you could fill the gap. You are adding to your mum’s need to juggle multiple demands. What about your MIL?

I can imagine it grates a bit. Particularly if your dsis doesn't recognise what a huge favour your DM is doing for her and doesn't allow a 'guilt free get out clause' so your DM is free to do whatever she wishes with her time (whether that's spend time with your DC or do anything else she fancies).

I'd say no more about it at this stage. Your DM will just feel caught in the middle. She may re-evaluate when your dc arrives. Having said that, if you'd like your DM around for support in the early weeks and your DM would like to help I think your dsis should temporarily make other arrangements.