Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Sister solely relying on Mum for childcare

206 replies

HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 18:56

My sister has a 22 month old daughter, and works three days a week, her OH works full time. Our mother lives about ten minutes from her, and a couple of hours away from me. Mum looks after sisters daughter in the three days sis is at work.

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare. However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

I have said that maybe she could cut down looking after my niece if it means she won't be able to spend time with her other grandchild, but sis has said she can't do without my Mum doing the same if not more childcare as she is now. I will be paying for my baby to go to nursery when I go back to work.

I don't begrudge my sister the childcare from my Mum, but AIBU in feeling a bit fed up that my child will see its grandmother less because my sister doesn't want to pay for childcare? We earn very similarly and have same outgoings, so if I can manage it I'm sure she can...

OP posts:

Original poster

HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 20:20

Exactly Ali. I think my sister makes her feel like she can't change their agreement as there is no possible way she could put her DD in nursery.

OP posts:

Hippee · 24/11/2017 20:21

I feel for you. We moved to be closer to my parents (5 miles away), but my DB (2 miles away) already had DC, and DM was looking after them 2 days a week (they never paid for childcare). DM complained to me about not getting enough time to herself (but never said that to DB), so I never felt I could ask her to look after mine. We didn't expect her to provide free childcare, but I grew up spending a lot of time with my grandparents and really loved it. My parents have a much closer relationship with my niece and nephew than they do with my DC, and I really regret not having been pushier.

Roussette · 24/11/2017 20:21

I feel for you OP. My DCs were the last of many GC for my parents. Because of that everything was set in stone. That meant my DPs never ever looked after my DCs because by the time they came along my DPs were honestly a bit possibly understandably bored with doing this sort of thing. However, I wouldn't have minded it just once .... sad about that TBH.

It did mean that my DCs never had the relationship with their GPs that their cousins did.

Roussette · 24/11/2017 20:22

OMG Hippee. You are me! We posted the same at the same time!

Original poster

HerNameWasCleo · 24/11/2017 20:24

I'm sorry Hippee and Roussette that it ended up like that for you, I want them to spend time together and have a good relationship.

OP posts:

Roussette · 24/11/2017 20:26

HerName Thanks.

I do think you should ask for the occasional time... the odd day when you would love them to come up and spend time with your DC. Even if it's at the expense of your DSis. I tried but it just never happened and so it meant that my DCs were really quite distant from their GPs.

crazypenguinlady · 24/11/2017 20:29

Annabella same here. My mum looks after my son 3 days a week (one day is only for about 3 hours). She kept encouraging me to go back to work sooner so she could have DS all to herself. She only works part time, lives 5 mins away and absolutely adores DS. I keep offering something for the favour but she flat out refuses as she WANTS to have him (actually rung me when one after a works night out weeping as she thought I was going to put him in nursery!) I know I'm very, very lucky but some grandparents do actually want to look after their grandchildren. My aunt and uncle also do it for their grandchildren as well.

Roussette · 24/11/2017 20:33

crazy Well ... you're very very lucky. Not everyone has that

Filzma · 24/11/2017 20:34

Hey OP, how about your ILs? I'm not asking for childcare, but it might help to distract from the 'arrangement'.

Belleoftheball8 · 24/11/2017 20:35

Where you bothered about THEIR arrangement prior to you being pregnant? The fact of the matter is your bothered because your jealous despite it being a personal choice to move away from family it was never going to be on the same level because of the logistics. You want to spite your DN because your jealous.

Roussette · 24/11/2017 20:39

That's mean Belle. I don't think the OP is trying to spite her DN. She's just wanting to build a relationship between her child and her mother.

Filzma · 24/11/2017 20:40

Redirecting thread back to the point, just incase the thread got too long and we forgot what OP was really asking.

Filzma · 24/11/2017 20:41

I am now pregnant and would love my Mum to be able to come down and spend time with my baby some of the time, but am not expecting any formal childcare. However, Mum is not sure how much she'll be able to get down here due to looking after my niece.

Sorry forgot to bold.

Boysnme · 24/11/2017 20:42

OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable with what you want. If I have read this right, you just want to be able to see your mum rather than for her to provide childcare for you to work.

If that’s the case then I don’t really see why where you live makes a difference as regardless your mum will have your niece 3 days a week, and while yes she could bring your niece with her, attention will always be on the 3 year old she is looking after (as it should be when you are childminding a child! )

Unfortunately though unless your mum is prepared to sort something out with your sister (assuming she wants to) then there’s not much you can do about it.

FWIW though I think your sister is being unreasonable to expect the free childcare arrangement to never change. If she wants something static she should pay for it.

MadMags · 24/11/2017 20:43

There's literally nothing stopping her doing that @Roussette

Pengggwn · 24/11/2017 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerRains · 24/11/2017 20:45

I can totally see that you would like some support from your Mum when you have your first child and that may not happen ( eg if you end up with a c section and would like her to come for a week to help you in those early months because of your sister. Or if you get ill with a baby and would value your Mum visiting to help out. Because your sister uses her for free childcare.
Totally get that you are not expecting her to do your childcare but would value her support - I just made up two examples of one off support you might like. And just because other people do not have family to do that does not mean it is not wanted by you. ( FWIW I sadly donot have a Mother or MIL but would love to have a bit of suport like that )
perhaps as your niece is 22m old your sister may have another child and when she is on your maternity leave your sister will not need any childcare - therefore freeing up your kind Mum to visit you on occasion!

I have a friend whose Mum did childcare for one grandchild. However when another daughter had a child she stopped caring for the first child on a regular basis and offered her time to the second grandchild - saying that the first grandchild had had a year of her and now she was offering the same for the second child. Things changed again when a 3 baby was born!!

Belleoftheball8 · 24/11/2017 20:46

There’s another 4days to visit op is jealous of her dn relationship with her dm.

72percentcocoa · 24/11/2017 20:49

Has your relationship with tour sister always been like this- full of jealousy.
Your mum should be able to enjoy her time off and choose what she wants to do.
Travelling for 2 hours to look after your child is asking too much on a regular basis.
How easy would it be for you to travel to your mum's house and leave your child there every week.Difficult I imagine.
I hope your mum gets as much care when she becomes more dependent on help.

Filzma · 24/11/2017 20:51

Belle, I think her issue is that her mum thinks she won't be able to spend too much time with her as she has to take care of her niece.

oldlaundbooth · 24/11/2017 20:52

She may be happy to travel, but she still has to spend two hours and another two to get back in the car/train whatever.

That's the issue I'm afraid.

Filzma · 24/11/2017 20:53

True

KnackeredMumofTwins · 24/11/2017 20:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I live 4 hours from my parents so have no help from them on a regular basis. They would love it if we moved closer but jobs etc that's not possible just now.

My MIL lives in the middle between us and my DHs sister so 45 mins to us or her.

My twin boys and younger boy have been in nursery 3 days a week since they were 9mths. We don't rely on my MIL for childcare but if something comes up if I have to work an extra day or there's a parents thing on and my DH is away (he's away in London 2 - 3 nights a week) then my MIL is basically my only choice or I pay a babysitter.

My SIL has expected my MIL to watch her kids at least 1 day a week from the start. Her attitude is if grandparents can't look after their own grandchildren when needed then there is something wrong. The SILs PIL were watching the kids the other week and the SIL was complaining because they were having them overnight and wanted her to pick them up at 11am as they had plans. The SIL was mad because they'd be drinking till 4am so how on earth could they pick them up at 11am 😨😨😨

I find their attitude shocking, their sense of entitlement is unbelievable and they have no regard to anyone else. They're on fb as we speak having a child free weekend away because they need the break, the MIL is unable to say no. It totally gives me the rage because my MIL has missed so much with my boys as she appears to prioritise her other grandkids and my boys are older so have noticed. My SILs family is massive so she has other options and she's not paying for childcare like everyone else has to. I know deep down I have an issue because my mum and dad are so far away but some thought would be nice. The SIL asked me the other day if the only regular babysitter I had was my MIL and the reply was I needed to get that sorted sharpish. I presume that's so our childcare needs don't get in the way of hers. At the end of all of it though my MIL is retired but still has to work part time, has depression and anxiety issues and is generally knackered.

Sorry for the long post but I do get where you're coming from OP xx

Belleoftheball8 · 24/11/2017 20:57

I suspect the dm is using caring for her dn as an excuse that she doesn’t want to commit to be expected to travel 2hours each way all the time. I’m guessing her arrangement with her her gd has been on going for the last 2 years and now op suddenly has issues with it because it’s not fair even though she lives further away. Dn is expected to reduce her time with her gm on ops say so. It won’t be long before she’s starting school op dm might enjoy having dn.

DistanceCall · 24/11/2017 20:58

Your sister lives ten minutes away. You live two hours away.

Do you really expect your mother to travel two hours to take care of your child several times a week? Really?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread