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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What should I do? Think I was groped.

22 replies

RottenTomatoes959 · 20/11/2017 09:51

On Friday night I went out with a few people from work. It was me,one other girl and four men. One of them when I first started in this job I kissed on a couple of nights but nothing ever came of it. Now have a boyfriend who I'm very happy with.
I ended up unfortunately getting extremely drunk and the other girl had gone home so it was just me with the guys.
When we were in the taxi home I was awake but comatose not moving and the guy who I kissed before but his hand in my bra and rubbed my boob. At least I'm 90% sure he did. But he got out before me and the other guys didn't say anything or didn't notice. Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2017 09:54

Ask the other guys if they did notice but kept quiet?

If they didn't, all you can really do is speak to the guy who may/may not have groped you and see if he's got anything to say about it.

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 20/11/2017 09:56

Even if they did I doubt they'd tell me. They're very loyal to each other. I know it's something little and it's not a big deal in the scheme of things but it's in my head now.

OP posts:

Coastalcommand · 20/11/2017 09:57

How do you feel about it? And are you sure it happened? I'd have to be 100% before I took it further, only because I'd hate to accuse somebody who hadn't done something like that.

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 20/11/2017 10:00

See I wasn't when I first woke up on Saturday, maybe I might have imagined it, but when I saw him this morning I feel a lot more certain. I dont think I even want to take it further I don't know.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2017 10:12

It's not little or no big deal

But I'm not sure what you can do about it, other than talk to the men.

As Coastal says, it would be awful to accuse someone of sexual assault, if you're not 100% certain that it even happened.

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 20/11/2017 10:14

Yeah I'm going to have to talk to them. Need to phrase it carefully in case he didn't and they say something back to him.

OP posts:

liminality · 20/11/2017 10:21

I wouldn't want to work with people who I thought could have possibly groped me. Especially when I was in a vulnerable state. If there was so much as a question mark I'd be going elsewhere. And making a big deal about it.
And I am not adverse to work drinks either, but if this actually happened, and they do clam up and cover each other, they have zero respect for you and that will never change.
This is the epitome of toxic workplace culture.
Go in carefully, but don't let it be swept under the rug. Fuck em, this is everything that is happening around the world this year.

Huppopapa · 20/11/2017 10:36

Very tricky situation. You have already indicated that the criminal standard of proof is not satisfied: if you aren't sure then there is little chance that a jury or magistrates would be able to be. So you are left with civil remedies, the first of which is to go to HR. What happens next is impossible to predict. If you are in a company that takes such things seriously you should find you being supported throughout the process and afterwards, whatever the findings of the disciplinary process. If not, you will likely make yourself a target of unpleasant behaviour from this gang of thugs (as I think it is fair to label them if your description of them covering for each other is accurate) which might be short of bullying so not actionable itself. And anywhere in between.
Only you can know what the right thing is to do but if you decide not to take any further action, please don't allow yourself to think that you were in the wrong for getting squiffy in company of colleagues.

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 20/11/2017 11:01

See the thing is I've only been there since the start of the year whereas all them have been 9+ years and theyre well liked. I'm the youngest in the company by a good few years as well so I don't think I'd be believed really.

OP posts:

Huppopapa · 20/11/2017 11:05

Thymeout · 20/11/2017 12:15

I agree with Coastal. You absolutely should not make a complaint of this nature unless you are 100% sure it happened. You say you were 'extremely drunk'. Too drunk to react at the time, to remember it when you first woke up, and not to be sure it happened when it came into your mind later on.

No one can reasonably take action on this. All you will achieve is to cast a shadow over someone who could be totally innocent. You will also draw attention to yourself, not in a favourable way, as someone who drinks irresponsibly and is capable of making unwarranted accusations. People will give you a very wide berth in case it happens to them. Even if it did happen, and the colleague admits it, all he has to say is that you weren't complaining at the time. And the others will back him up, because it's true.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position and hope you will be able to move on. But I don't agree with Huppo. This situation wouldn't have arisen if you hadn't got so drunk. There's a lesson to be learned here.

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 20/11/2017 12:21

Yeah I'm just going to leave it and give him a wide berth. He's been very odd today though and keeps asking why I didn't text him back that night when he messaged me at half four in the morning asking if I was ok

OP posts:

Thymeout · 20/11/2017 12:35

Perhaps he was worried about you getting home safely?

Try not to let it prey on your mind. Something like this happened to my SiL. She eventually decided it must have been a dream.

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 20/11/2017 12:40

Yeah probably just that. Thank you all

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 20/11/2017 12:49

Yeah I'm going to have to talk to them. Need to phrase it carefully in case he didn't and they say something back to him.

Thing is there's no way to word a question like that to the other men (or anyone for that matter) without it getting back to him and potentially triggering an official process. If I discovered that a colleague thought or felt that I'd sexually harassed them, I wouldn't just let it wash over me. I'd be arranging meetings with HR before you'd even got back to your desk.

It is a massive accusation with even bigger repercussions. If the other men as you suggest are very close, and band together to basically deny your accusation then you'll be left pretty much up shit creek without so much as a paddle. You will be ostracised and if you are the youngest in the company and only joined earlier this year then depending on your contract you are disposable.

I'm not saying any of this is right or fair. I am just suggesting you think very clearly about what, if anything, you want to come from this.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/11/2017 12:51

I know that you have said that you be leaving it, but it may be worth asking the taxi firm if they have cameras in the car and to look at the footage, you may need to do it under the FOI (not sure)

Ttbb · 20/11/2017 13:49

Well what do you want to do about it? Is this the kind of thing that the two of you typically get up to? Does he know that you are not up for it (he should but drink men tend to be quite stupid)? Maybe you should just do the grown up thing and talk to him about it?

Original poster

RottenTomatoes959 · 20/11/2017 13:57

Ttbb well nothing really now. And no definitely not the kind of thing we'd get up to,like I said we kissed a couple of times months ago but that was it. I've been with my new boyfriend since May and he's met him. He would have known i wasn't up for anything like that especially because I was almost incoherent by the time we were going home

OP posts:

CorbynsBumFlannel · 20/11/2017 14:46

If it did happen then obviously he has broken the law. The question is how it can be proven if you aren't 100% sure yourself. Footage from the taxi could be useful as a pp said.
I would make sure you're not in a vulnerable position with him again as a precaution regardless.

FlouncyDoves · 20/11/2017 14:52

It’s a bit of a grey area isn’t it? You are too drunk to remember, you might have been flirting with him, he might have read the signs wrongly.

Nothing that bad really happened - as in no lasting mental scarring. I doubt the police or anyone would look into it.

Ttbb · 20/11/2017 15:46

You should definitely have a very stern talk with him. See how much he remembers. Explain to him what you remember. Just tell him that there will never be anything between the two of you again.

fkukyall · 20/11/2017 16:19

what was it about seeing him that makes you think something did happen?

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