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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report this teacher

31 replies

inmyshoos · 08/11/2017 16:20

My 10 yr old dd has been suffering with anxiety since having an accident 2 years ago. She now has a phobia around going to Dr's (amongst other things but all about not being in control)
She has full blown hyperventilating panic attacks at home.
Yesterday her head teacher had a chat with her about it because I had called her to ask about some help she has been getting with this. The head rang me and told me my dd was feeling much better about things and she had asked her if maybe she was enjoying winding me up a bit and being a bit bratty about it and said dd hadn't denied this.
Dd is an absolute people pleaser. And she is 10. She is hardly going to say no to her head teacher.
I think this is completely inappropriate and actually potentially damaging.
She also messaged me a while back saying 'DD was upset with some of the boys at break today. Is she maybe a bit hormonal??' I mean what the hell?? Is this the 1950's??
Would you report this? She just does and says what she likes and never gets called out on it no matter how unprofessional and inappropriate.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 08/11/2017 16:22

Who do you want to report this to?

Have you tried talking to the head about your concerns (eg that DD is a people pleaser and is likely to agree with the head's suggestions)?

cakeymccakington · 08/11/2017 16:23

I think you should speak to the head first and explain why you feel what she is saying is inappropriate

phoenixAgainAgainAgain · 08/11/2017 16:24

Report what? To who?

That the head doesn't believe your DD?

overnightangel · 08/11/2017 16:27

@inmyshoos I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume the teacher didn’t use the word “bratty” and that you’re putting words in her mouth

Original poster
inmyshoos · 08/11/2017 16:27

I have spoken to her. At length. Numerous times. I have told her that whilst dd will say it's all fine at school it's a different story at home. And any situation she puts to dd is all theoretical anyway, so easy for dd to say it's ok.

OP posts:
Doodlepoppop · 08/11/2017 16:28

Very inappropriate and she should know better than to put that in a child head.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 08/11/2017 16:28

overnight word for word. The head told me on the phone. Straight from the horses mouth. Bratty was the word.

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 08/11/2017 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fruitcorner123 · 08/11/2017 16:31

Did she actually say 'winding you up' and 'bratty'? The hormonal comment is not on. I don't get what you mean when you say she messaged you? Was it an email? It seems a bit much to email you about her being a bit upset with some boys. Is there more to the story?

Original poster
inmyshoos · 08/11/2017 16:31

overnight why assume I'm putting words in her mouth? The reason I'm on here asking is because I feel her choice of language and the whole suggestion that my dd is in anyway in control of this is just ridiculous and potentially damaging.

How would you feel if you suffered from panic attacks and someone suggested to you that you were doing it for attention?

OP posts:
brasty · 08/11/2017 16:33

She only has panic attacks at home?

sinceyouask · 08/11/2017 16:34

Didn't you know, op, there's a whole load of people on MN who believe that teachers can do no wrong and that in any dispute, the child and/ or parent are at fault?

I'd address it with the headteacher herself. Tell her I thought her language and what she is suggesting are inappropriate and unhelpful. Ask her to refrain from any more chats with your daughter about a subject she is not an expert in. How she responded to that would decide what, if anything, I did next.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 08/11/2017 16:35

There was more to the story about the boys but it wasn't really relevant.
In short- head had spoken to a group of girls about something minor and dd (who is never in trouble ever) started having a panic attack. Head rang me to tell me and I said I'd pop in and see dd. I suspected head had been shouty which would set dd off and just wanted to reassure dd all was fine. I was at work. Before I got to school , the head texted my mobile saying dd was fine, didn't need me to pop in, that she'd been upset with the boys at break and was she maybe hormonal. I still have the message on my phone.

OP posts:
KimmySchmidt1 · 08/11/2017 16:36

I think it is interesting that your child does not have panic attacks at school and only has them at home. I expect the head teacher finds that interesting too.

Have you given any thought to why your daughter might have panic attacks only at home? the best result for everyone would be if your daughter stops having panic attacks, so there may be some benefit in putting it into her head that panic attacks aren't really needed any more - after all, panic attacks are a subjective mental reaction, and therapy for them is just a way of getting her brain to realise there is no need to panic. So if the way your head teacher has suggested of looking at things achieves that, I am not sure I see what the problem is?

Jerseysilkvelour · 08/11/2017 16:37

I know a kid who suffers panic attacks and no one (especially not her parents) takes them seriously. It's heartbreaking.

For the HT to put words into a kid's mouth like that belittling her problem is at best inappropriate at worst bullying. I'd definitely complain about it.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 08/11/2017 16:37

brasty generally at home when ill and her whole issue is around going to gp/illness so unlikely to be in school time. She has however as I posted above had the odd one at school.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 08/11/2017 16:39

I wouldn't like that either. It sounds like she is not taking her anxiety seriously. I would raise it with her and say you don't appreciate the language she is using when describing your DD. I would do this in an email so there is a paper trail but if she does it in future phone conversations call her up on it then and there. If it continues you could write to governors.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 08/11/2017 16:39

kimmy you'd make a great therapist Grin
Oh I see you've suffered from anxiety for 2 years, you have panic attacks? Oh well, great news - they're not needed any more!!
Helpful.....

OP posts:
brasty · 08/11/2017 16:40

Okay thanks.
Yes the HT is out of order. But who would you complain to and what outcome are you looking for?

Primaryteach87 · 08/11/2017 16:41

I would write to the chair of governors suggesting the head teacher attend some mental health training.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 08/11/2017 16:48

I would report to head of education. We are in Scotland.
Outcome wise I'm not sure. Mental health awareness training would be a start. Some guidance on professional conduct would be helpful too I think.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 08/11/2017 16:49

It also sounds like kimmy isnt taking her anxiety seriously! A lot of ignorance about mental health

brasty · 08/11/2017 16:53

Taking anxiety seriously though is a balancing act. You can make it worse and feed it if you show you are taking it too seriously, but you need to be caring. A hard act. So I would not judge a parent from the outside as not taking anxiety seriously enough. Maybe they have been advised by professionals that in the case of their child, they should play it down?

user789653241 · 08/11/2017 16:53

I really don't get it if she has phobia of Dr and only having a panic attacks at home, why he issue arise at school.
And for her not be able to deny and agree with anything teacher says, don't you think you need to work on that issue?

Mittens1969 · 08/11/2017 16:53

I do agree that there are posters on MN who always defend the teachers and think the parents are being ‘that parent’ or even making things up. It does seem that this HT should have some training in children and mental health rather than setting herself up as an expert.

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