11 weeks to go -FREAKING OUT

[firsttimemama89]

First baby due end of Jan.

Seriously freaking out...

• My mum has invited herself to the birth, I haven't raised this as an issue as I think I may be glad of her there?! Any thoughts on this would be welcome.

• My very overbearing father, whom I don't have the greatest relationship with has said he's taking the ENTIRE month of February off to be at my service!

• I've had to ask DH to ensure we don't get visitors for a couple of days after birth as I'm already getting a bit overwhelmed, and when they do come, it's organised and only a couple at a time.

We live about an hour away from family and relatives have been known to turn up spontaneously and then expect us to host them - I just can't think of anything worse right now.

Probably worth mentioning I came off antidepressants for severe anxiety pre pregnancy and so I do have a tendency to overworry I guess.

Can anyone offer advice?

Am I being a selfish princess?

If they have a key change the locks.

Make it clear you need space and time to yourself and you won't be up to hosting people. People can come and visit for 90 mins max and they need to make themselves useful - get your DH to step up.

Be humble enough to realise you might be overwhelmed at some point and be desperate for their help.

I had my Mum there for the birth of my DS, at my request. I liked having her there but she was also very considerate and made herself scarce for a bit after he was born so that DH and I could have time alone with him as a family. It’s for you to decide if you really want her there or not. Don’t feel obliged!

With visitors, get your DH to put his foot down. Limit visits to 1-2 hours max. Then he needs to get rid of everyone. Forget politeness, your needs come first.

Congratulations!

I just gave birth last Monday and know how you feel. You aren't being selfish. I felt vulnerable and didn't want an influx of visitors. First of all, DH and I decided not to tell anyone when I was in labour. That way, he wasn't bombarded with texts asking for updates and could focus on me and DS in the hospital. I highly recommend doing this as we had a good few hours just us three while I recovered.
I have sufferend anxiety in the past as well. I would also recommend that when you do tell people, keep the details small. People say stupid things and if you're feeling vulnerable and anxious, you'll be much more sensitive.
If you don't feel you want your DM there then please tell her. My DM invited herself to the birth and I firmly said no. I only wanted DH there. There will be plenty of posters along in a minute to say how.sad this is but I am not close to my mother and she really stresses me out at the best of times. I couldn't have had her (or anyone but DH) there. My DM was the only one who visited in hospital and I was exhausted and had to stay in 2 nights. Was nice to see her briefly but I got very anxious and wound up after an hour of her talking at me and wanted her to leave. Again, that was just me!
As for visitors after - again you need to dictate and go by how you feel. It can be overwhelming for some people but on the other hand, you may feel like you can't wait to show your baby off. The MW suggested that we text people who wanted to come round with some jokey 'ground rules' such as "yes that's fine but we have two rules - make your own tea and bring cake" or whatever.
And most of all - enjoy your baby in your own way - trust your instincts and do what's best for you and your family. Do not out yourself under any unnecessary strain as you need to recover.

This makes me so cross! If you were going in for major surgery, people wouldn’t expect to either descend on you while you are in hospital or come to your house immediately afterwards and expect you to entertain them. Having a baby is major, whether you have a natural birth or c section and the last thing you need is people being pushy. Tell everyone that it will be just you and DH (unless you want your mum at the birth, personally I couldn’t think of anything worse my mum is a nightmare). Refer everybody to your DH, turn your phone off. People can come and see you when you are ready. Feel no guilt, this is about you, your baby and DH.

Tell your mum that IF you need her whilst you’re giving birth she can come in BUT only then.

Think about if you definitely want your mum there and are there bits you want her absent for. E.g. she could be there for the labour but leave as soon as baby is
s born to give you and DP time with the baby and let you both bond a little. Prep mum for this expectation and remind her when you go into labour. You may not want your mum there at all which is also fine so don't let her force her way in. My mum wasn't there at my labours as I wanted it to be a special time for me and my partner. As its your DP's baby too I would talk to him and see how he feels.

Tell your dad a month is overkill. Does your DP have paternity leave? Personally I found we wanted to keep visitors and 'help' to a minimum while DP was off and then as soon as he went back I was massively grateful for the help. Could your dad book a week later in Feb or wait and book the time after the baby is born? Another option is a day a week for a few weeks. Think about it and make a decision but a solid month so soon after the baby is born is too much I would say.

As for the depression please be aware baby blues is likely about 2 or 3 days after the baby is born and can last 2 weeks. If you feel it is turning into depression (you know the signs) see your GP and speak to your midwife. I am now on meds for depressio and they are starting to work but I know how tough it can be! (Baby 6 weeks) the reason I say that is not to worry you but to make you aware the help is there. I saw them at 2 weeks ish and they have helped me straightaway and as I say I am already feeling better. Hopefully you won't feel like this anyway.

As for visitors my advice is don't agree to anyone overnight for a few weeks. I found with baby blues my teary time was the evening and I just wanted to cuddle my DP and LO and block out the rest of the world. Visitors made it tough to do that.

Sorry this is a long post but I have recently been through this and so its quite fresh in my mind. You are not being selfish at all it is a unique time where your hormones will be all over the place, your life will be changing and you will be sleep deprived. It can be tough. It's crucial you look after yourself for the sake of your baby.

You need to put your foot down and be very clear about what YOU want.

If you want your mum at the birth that's what you get, if you don't then she simply doesn't get to be there. I had my mum at the birth of my daughter and she was amazing because she listened and advocated for me.

Afterwards, be clear about your expectations on visitors.

Be strong and good luck!!

And you're not being a princess, you are growing an actual person inside you and it's bloody hard work!

I think your mum being there is down to your preference, but also think of your DH and how he and your mum get on - will the pair of them being there together just cause unwanted hassle/drama/tension? I personally couldn't think of anything worse than having my mum in the room whilst I give birth. I love her dearly but flip me she'd be annoying. And on the flip side, I don't think she'd want to see me in such a state! You know your mum and your DH, and have every right to dictate who is in there with you.

With regards to visitors/hosting - yes, your DH needs to step up and be firm. Be rigid with timings and try and make sure that anyone who visits hosts themselves. Leave out tea, coffee and milk and get them to make their own cuppa. Even better, is get them to bring you something useful like a meal!!

You aren't being a princess, you're about to bring a human into the world and have every right to dictate what happens when, afterwards!

Thanks everyone, I need to tell my dad about the month being overkill.

What makes me cross is that he doesn't ask me, he just TELLS me this is what he is doing.

Luckily no one has a key

I agree with everyone else.

Re your mum, no one can know that except you. What is your relationship with her like normally? Is she likely to respect your wishes and be a good support or would her presence make you more anxious?

What is your dad expecting to do in his time off? Why not ask him. If it's be available to pick up shopping and help out around the house all good but if it's to sit on his backside in your house while you run around after him nip this in the bud now!

As for worrying about other unexpected visitors I'd set up a WhatsApp group and explain clearly but nicely that you and DH are looking forward to seeing everyone after the birth and that obviously as you cannot predict how you will be you will be letting them all know when you are ready for visitors and they can arrange a convenient time direct with you. I would also be saying that as you will be concentrating on becoming new parents and dealing with sleep deprivation etc they should understand you won't be hosting anyone for any overnights!

The quicker you sort this the sooner you can relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Good luck

Only thing i didn't say is don't set yourself up by worrying about everything being 'perfect' in those early weeks. If you have a healthy baby who is clothed, fed and washed and you are managing to get some sleep you are succeeding. Nothing else really matters and you can deal with dad/mum/other visitors as and when the problems arise. Just make sure you and DP are on the same page.

I didn’t tell anyone i was going in to be induced with my first. I told people once she was born. I also told them we were being discharged on the Sunday when in fact wot was the Friday evening! Different with second as I needed childcare but the third was born at home and again, didn’t tell anyone until after the event. You need to be firm with people and if you can’t be your other half needs to be your advocate. Being stressed won’t help when you are in labour and need to be calm to help things progress. Xx

Another one who didn't tell anyone when I went into labour with my first, the second time round we got my mum to babysit.

Think of some ground rules re:visiting with DH and tell him to enforce them. We chucked my ILs out both times when they came to visit on the day of the birth and expected us to bring them tea and cake rather than the other way round. My mum arrived with home cooked dinner and left within 30 mins. I've told random relations popping by that no it didn't suit me and left them in front of the door.

You need to be very clear with your parents what you want so they know what to expect. If they are keen to help, set them tasks, like do a huge shop, bring dinner and cake, or clean the house while you snooze with your baby. Don't have anyone at the birth you don't want to yourself!

I had my mum there for the birth of DD. We had a complicated relationship but she was a godsend. I’m glad she was there, even more so as she passed away last Christmas.

Your dad taking a month off is a bit odd. But nice that he wants to be there for you.

Absolutely agree with no visitors. I was a pushover with DD and TBH I ended up yelling at various relatives for trying to take my baby out of the room because I was so pissed off at the amount of intrusions.

SIL only told a handful of us of her C section date. It worked really well as the few of us she did tell knew that we’d stay away until she was ready!