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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so sad about my dad

25 replies

maggieryan · 29/10/2017 22:44

My dad died a few.months ago, he was almost 80, he suffered terrible in the last year of his life. I loved him.so much. I think about him every single day. I cry.at least once every day. When will this stop. Im.so sad.

OP posts:

SadTrombone · 29/10/2017 22:48

So sorry for your loss. I've not yet lost a parent but friends tell me it slowly gets more bearable over time.

ThePinkOcelot · 29/10/2017 22:51

I’m sorry Maggie. It’s awful. You won’t get over losing your dad, but in time you will learn to live with it. There’s no time frame. People are different. Be kind to yourself. X

RavenWings · 29/10/2017 22:52

Of course you're sad! I am sorry. But this is healthy (even if it doesn't feel it) because at least the emotions are being expressed and you're allowing yourself to grieve. It's a horrible experience but at the same time, it's better for you - ime anyway.

It's a horrible loss and it can be so exhausting. I don't know that it ever stops, but it gets better. The waves of pain become smaller, and then they space apart a little more.

Neverender · 29/10/2017 22:56

Just remember why you’re so sad. I know that sounds odd but he was clearly a wonderful father. The amount of loss your feeling is equal to the influence he had on you. Without sounding weird, that’s a wonderful thing, no?

Neverender · 29/10/2017 22:58

Btw my own father was awful
I only wish someone had felt as you do now...anyone...

I don’t mean that meanly, but if he was a great dad he should be missed as such...

scrabbler3 · 29/10/2017 23:00

It's still early days OP. You're in no way abnormal. Take care of yourself.

ludothedog · 29/10/2017 23:10

I don't know when the crying stops or when you will stop missing him. You have been through a terrible time. Watching your loved one die in pain can be very traumatic.

As other posters have said, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time and space to grieve.

and and

keepondreaming · 29/10/2017 23:12

I too lost my Dad earlier this year. The tears flow regularly. Sometimes I have to punch myself and remind myself he’s gone, just before I nip round to have a cuppa with him...

My dad loved gardening, did yours? I like to think of him tending his roses somewhere.

ferriswheel · 29/10/2017 23:20

I cannot even imagine your pain..I'm so sorry.

katieferg81 · 29/10/2017 23:20

My dad died suddenly last November aged 63 I think it was about March before I could get through a day without a tear or two or several. I still have times were I'm quite weepy and I aren't a particularly emotional person. In my dad's eulogy I said "if grief is the price you pay for love we'd stand the cost a million times over" this is very true for me and I like to think of myself as lucky to have had my dad for as long as I had him even if it wasn't as long as I would've liked. There's no time limit on grief, no quota on tears, no right or wrong, it just is what it is some days will be better than others, other days not so good just try and take each day in your stride

Sara107 · 29/10/2017 23:20

Maggie, I've lost both my parents in the last couple of years and I don't think you 'get over it'. But it becomes easier to live with, and the intensity of the grief becomes less. The stage where you suddenly get tearful anywhere and everywhere lasts up to a year I would say. Have you other family members you can talk to about your dad? How have people around you been? I found I was treated like a leper at work, people seem very uncomfortable around bereavement.

sheldonesque · 29/10/2017 23:24

There is no time limit on grief. It is the price you pay for loving someone.

I hope you find peace and that it gets easier to think of your dad with a smile instead of tears.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2017 23:25

I lost my DF over a decade ago, it would have been his birthday this week and I still think about him frequently. I still have moments of 'I must tell Dad'. It was a very long time before I reached a point where I hadn't thought about him in the day.

I won't tell you it gets better - people told me that and it was the last thing I wanted - but I will tell you that you learn to live with it and that this is ok.

I look in the mirror sometimes and I can see his eyes. I look at my children and I see aspects of him in them. There is a big part of him living on in us, his children, and grandchildren and as time goes by this is more apparent. My eldest is now spookily like him in many respects. My DM says the same about me.

Accept that it will make you sad for a long time but also talk about him with other family members - don't keep it to yourself. And if you don't have family to talk to and its really still upsetting you then find a bereavement group to share it with because there is nothing wrong with your sadness, but sometimes it feels that way.

Feilin · 29/10/2017 23:27

You never get over it but six years down the line for me i ache everyday insidebut ive found a bearable way to live. Things have changed and i have new things to live for but i never ever stop missing and loving my dad. I dont cry so much as feel the utter loss of a very capable person who knew a lot and was gone too young and soon. I miss the advice. I always say no matter the age or circumstance we are never ready to lose our parents. Much love to you. Youll find a way some way in amongst it all .

Daisymay2 · 29/10/2017 23:33

Maggie
My mum died 11 years ago- she was ill for 6 months before she died and was fully aware of everything until she died. I miss her and think about her and smile most days. It took a while.
Dad died 3 years ago, after having dementia and being semi-consious for about 3 years before that. I thought I had done my mourning for the person he was before he died. I was wrong - it was devastating, and I lay awake night after night thinking about him and missing the great dad I had before he became ill. It does get better with time and it is still early days. You will feel better with time, just look after yourself.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 29/10/2017 23:40

I lost my dad when I was 21. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. He was 11 when my dad died. our dad was only 54.It is no consolation and such a cliche, but it does get better with time. I swear.

He only seen my eldest sister get married.

He never seen his other 3 daughters live our lives, get married, see his amazing, wonderful grandchildren.

He only walked one of us down the aisle.

He didn't see my brother move to Thailand and make an amazing difference to people's lives.

I am not going to say it's not hard, but you do come out the other side. Eventually.

Much love to you and your family right now

DownbutnotfullyOut · 29/10/2017 23:41

I'm so sorry for your loss but do try to look at it as someone said above - you wouldn't feel this way if you hadn't loved him and had a great life because he was in it. It's an emotional price. If he'd been a terrible father you wouldn't feel like this. Would rather have had your actual dad or a crap dad who you felt nothing when he died?

To answer your question, someone told me it takes 7 years to fully regain emotional equilibrium. You never get totally used to it but it gets easier to cope with.

I wish you a little easing of your pain each next day.

nakedscientist · 29/10/2017 23:43

The spaces between your tears expand until you just cry occasionally when something just catches you unawares. Hugs and

Acrosstheuniverse123 · 29/10/2017 23:46

My father died seven years ago and it took quite a long time to really get over it. It's a huge trauma, especially if you are dealing with your relative being in pain and watching them suffer before they die. Be gentle with yourself and find ways to nurture and support yourself. It will get easier, but one day you will realise you have come to terms with it, even if you feel sad at times.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 29/10/2017 23:47

Also, you will begin to notice loads of stuff in everyday life that reminds you of him. A song, a phrase, something on the news.

You will also go about your daily routine on autopilot, watching everyone else doing their daily crap and you will just want to shout 'how can you be so normal!!! Do you not know my dad has died?'

It is a very odd feeling for a while.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 30/10/2017 00:03

It's horrible, isn't it My dad died 2 months ago and I still have nights where it just hits and I end up getting out of bed and staying up because I'm crying and it hurts, I'm not able to see anyone so have had no comfort - not even a hug - so I could really let it out. I just went on autopilot and organised everything.

So many times you hear or see something and think 'I'll have to tell dad', or seeing a program that was on everytime you visited him, a favourite song on the radio..

I have to admit that when I'm missing him sometimes, I text his mobile telling him that or whatever I wanted to let him know about (daft stuff excited my dad!!).

He wasn't a great dad, but he was better than my mother will ever be and he was MY dad, and I love him

Blinkingblimey · 30/10/2017 00:06

21 years ago, I was a late teenager... I find it flabbergasting that it was so long ago when it seems so recent. Time does not heal but the pain does ease, I'm very sorry for your loss💐

Apileofballyhoo · 30/10/2017 00:15

Sorry for your loss TripTrap.

My Dad died 10 years ago, OP, and my darling beautiful godfather 3 years ago. I'm sorry for your loss too, and I remember the awful pain. Time helps. Some days become not as bad days, and then days that are ok become good days and the bad days become ok days. And the gaps between the bad days get longer. The first year is the worst and it's a bit blurry afterwards, like having a newborn or something, you just go through the motions of life while carrying this huge thing around. Crying is great.

EBearhug · 30/10/2017 00:17

It does get easier in time - memories will make you smile instead of cry. But life will never be the same again; you just find a new type of normal. And it does take time.

ginplease8383 · 30/10/2017 00:32

My dad died suddenly and for no apparent reason 18 months ago he was 62. I was 4 months pregnant at the time and the grief has rocked me to the core. I think of him constantly and cry a lot. Such a massive part of my life.
My DM had a new ‘serious’ partner within a year after 35 years of marriage which I find so odd. I guess everyone is different

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