It is DP about 4 year olds behaviour?

[cupofwine]

DP thinks I would be silly to go to the health visitor for some advice and says ‘it’s just a stage he’s going through’.

Our DS who is 4 is becoming really destructive. He breaks things by picking and fiddling. Examples of this are- he’s picked my chunky knit cushions to pieces so that I’ve had to throw them away (he unthreads then chews the thread), I’ve replaced them and he’s started doing it again, he picks the sealant around the doors in the kitchen so it now looks terrible, he will bite and rip toys (that he is able to), if he has a drink he will put his hands in it then shake his hands so juice goes everywhere, he is really messy with food and likes to use his hands and gets in so much of a state that he needs to be bathed after eating, he flings food around and the list goes on. I’m wondering if he might have something going on (but no idea what?!). He’s very stubborn and will have a meltdown but only about certain things such as- if I put the toothpaste on the toothbrush he will wipe it off and do it again himself, if I put his seatbelt on he will un clip it and do it himself, if I do his trousers up he will undo them so that he can do it. Most of the time I can let him do it but if we are running late and I need to do it for quickness he will scream and cry about it.

DP thinks he will grow out of it and I hope he will too but I don’t remember my other DS being like this at all. We don’t allow bedtimes stories, make him sit on the step etc but he doesn’t seem to care at all.

AIBU I’m thinking there’s more to it?

Possible sensory issues op. It doesn't sound like he's being 'naughty'. I'd definitely talk to your HV.

As a total non expert, it sounds unusual to me and not something that i would trust would improve on its own. I would want it checked out I think. Have these behaviours just started or been present in some form since he was younger?

YANBU and could be a sign of sensory processing disorder (SPD). Are there any other behaviour issues and what is his speech and communication like?

What's wrong with asking a HV? What exactly does your DP have against it? It's good to ask advice when you're worried about something. It doesn't sound like 'just a phase' to me because it's unusual behaviour. The independence issue in doing own teeth and clothes is more understandable that the other stuff which sounds sensory.

Some of your DS's behaviour is much like my almost 3 year old ASD DD.

Is in he in any kind of childcare? Preschool?

Have you had any input from someone 'outside' so to speak? Teacher / childminder?

Would seek out some advise here OP sounds very much like frustration from his point of view, ADHD or something like that, definatley go to your GP.

Sounds very much like SPD - sensory processing disorder. Many things can be phases or schemas, but it won’t hurt to start investigating as soon as possible, as it takes so long to get seen that you can at least be on the list. It may get better or it may get worse, you needed to find out and start dealing with it though.

does sound like sensory issues, what harm can it do to talk to the health visitor? i wonder why your partner is so against it? Is he worried that there may turn out to be a problem?

I would definitely raise it with the health visitor, that's exactly what they are there for.

The independence stuff sounds normal.

The breaking/picking things sounds sensory. How is he with clothes? Does he get upset with labels, tags and seams (even now, DD will scream bloody murder at any uncomfortable clothing)?

I am not sure, but is he unusually inquisitive? Doing seat belt himself, tooth paste and trousers... my ds has done something similar, he ripped toys apart to see the structure of it, stick fingers in to the drink to feel it... list goes on.
He is now 9 and exceptionally gifted in certain area, with bits of suspected asd traits. He has lots of sensory issues as well.

Honestly, he sounds like my younger brother. My mum had meetings with his primary school and child psychologists, he had a battery of tests for autism/aspergers, sensory issues, ADHD, dyspraxia... nothing. He is completely neurotypical. (Ironically, I have AS which was totally missed and my mother sees any mention of it as a slight against her parenting )

He was such hard work. He had meltdowns about things like the seams of his socks or people looking at him. He was messy and hideously destructive for no reason - he broke EVERYTHING. That part went on until he was well into his teens; I remember my parents paid thousands for new windows and frames and within a matter of days he had pressed a hard bristled hairbrush into the window sill, leaving rows of deep holes. He was about 14 and had no explanation as to why he'd done it, even when my mum started crying.

He's 21 now and totally past all of that. He has a great job that he loves and is the most laid back, understated, quietly funny person I know.

The un-doing things and doing them himself sounds normal enough to me, my DD was like this about lots of things, she just wanted to be independent. She also would unpick some things til they broke, she went through a stage of breaking nearly every toy just to try and put it back together, she's outgrown it now she's 6yo. The mess with food, I have no experience with.

Is your DH objecting cos he used to himself there for it normal to him

It’s possible he has a high IQ. How is he in other areas? My bro (at 3) used to smash his rattle against the wall to break it so he could see how it worked!

No not 'normal' behaviour and asking for help and advice is the most sensible thing to do.
Maybe your DP sees it as a negative reflection on his or your parenting. Not the case all. Your son needs help and you need help dealing with his issues.

Yeah-the tooth paste thing happens in our house (almost 5yo).

But the destructive stuff isn't ok-have you bought him fiddle toys and chew toys to see if he can scratch the itch with appropriate things?

And wrt to the mess with food and drinks, that sounds like a nightmare. Have you thought about buying bigger bins and telling him that until he eats without causing such a huge mess, he needs to wear a bib, which is a shame because he's such a big boy now.

But I think seeing your health visitor is exactly the right thing to do if you have any concerns with your child!

Good luck

*bibs

Definitely speak to your Hv. If it is something, the sooner you get support the better. If it isn't then you are reassured and can use conventional methods to manage his behaviour without worrying that you are making things worse.

It can't hurt to ask for advice and support with his behaviour even if it's a phase or something he'll learn to get through. Your GP could offer some advice too, as can his school or nursery.