To not let DD keep the phone her dad has given her?

[RogerThatOver]

DD has just turned ten and has had a phone at her dad's house for a while, though she's never been allowed to have my phone number And I'm not allowed to speak to her while she's there.

Yesterday she informed me that he's dropping it off here tomorrow so she can call her friends, play games and use the internet. AIBU to say no? At the moment she spends her time reading, drawing and playing with her siblings. I don't want her glued to a phone. Setting time limits will just result in confrontation because she's allowed it 24/7 at her dad's.

She can use my phone to call her dad any time she likes so that isn't the issue.

YANBU. Her having a phone should be a joint decision between both parents. I would be annoyed too

As he is calling the shots about you not being allowed to contact her while with him, return the favour and tell him to fuck off, no phone.

No rule say you have to charge it. . Or divulge Internet password. .

Well obviously if she had it here then I'd get the number so I could contact her there but the difference is, I wouldn't unless absolutely necessary because I wouldn't want to disrupt her time there. He absolutely would use it to disrupt her time at home.

What santawontbelong said

It’s not unreasonable at all to refuse it in your house.

It sounds to me like he’s doing this to claim more time and power over you and her.

Nope I’d totally refuse too.

If he forces the issue turn it off and stick it in a drawer till she goes to his.

In fact as soon as she has it in her hands at your house it will be a source of conflict. “Dad said I can play on it all night” “dad said to take it to bed so he can ring me”

Definitely say no.

I get your point, but if she's 10, it's not all that far off when she's really going to need one. I would set up something like the dinnertime app so you can control her usage.

Honestly don't worry about it I had the exact same problem. My DD didn't look after her phone, she was always dropping it and smashing the screen or losing it or losing her charger.

Also, she kept using up her credit really quickly so her dad took out a contract phone which she then ran up a £260 bill on (and which her dad actually emailed me and said that I had to punish her for it!) . Also I didn't give her the internet password so she was using up her data allowance really quickly too.

Precisely that, Cauliflower. I want to just say no - when she's at secondary she can have a phone from me, with my limits imposed and restrictions set, but until then it's not something I want going on in my home. It's his choice what he allows at his house but I don't want to fall out with her over it here; if rather just do so once over saying no to it than daily when I would restrict it's use.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 played the long game. Love it!

I don't see why a ten year old needs one, Bridget.

I’m with you op. I’m sure she gets enough screen time with out having her phone at yours

I can't get past the fact that she can't call you on 'his' time, but she can call him on 'yours'? What exactly is his problem???

And, yes, you can decline the phone.

10 is too young for a mobile.

The rule in my house would be (especially for a 10 year old)- no one has a phone who cannot pay the running costs for themselves and no one goes to anyone's house if I do not know the contact details.

I had a mobile at 10 - however, as it was over a decade ago, I didn't have any apps etc, as they weren't a thing yet really. It didn't have much storage, and a rubbish camera, but as it was a flip phone it was much sturdier than the phones you get now so not much risk of me breaking it. And I doubt it was that expensive whereas I bet hers is probably £100+. I only ever got to take it if I was going somewhere without my parents eg town with my friends. It's clear that my parents gave me it so I could contact them when I was by myself somewhere, but in this case it seems to have been bought mainly for entertainment purposes.

Also, I'm a guide leader and while some girls do bring phones to guides, they tend to be older- approx 12 years and up. I don't think any of the 10 year olds do, although it is possible they have phones but don't bring them.

Is there any other way she can access the internet though? Even for a limited amount of time? Because it is very common for young people (I think especially girls) to access entertainment online eg youtube, or dress up games etc. I know some of the girls at guides do, because I've heard them talking about it, but I couldn't tell you off the top of my head how old they all are. Also whatsapp group chats are common- could her friends have one she's in? Perhaps if she doesn't have any access to the internet at your house, she feels different to her friends and slightly left out there? Maybe she's made a couple of off the cuff comments about that when she's at her dad's, which may be partly why he's thought of this. Though, I suspect you would have heard about it before now from her if she did feel that way!

However, regardless of his reasons/intentions it does seem like he's attempting to exert some form of control in your house, and is trying to play you off against each other. I think it would be reasonable enough to say she isn't allowed to use it at yours- your house, your rules. And even if you do lock it away, make sure you put your number in it, and make a note of hers, so you've got it if you want/need it - I'm sure you already thought of that though

Make sure that your number is on it (a pseudonym if necessary). Then play it by ear x

Also if you have access to her phone you have the ability to sort out passwords to stuff etc

Its amazing the amount of privacy settings and stuff you can get access to at night when child is in bed OP You can turn this around completely on your Ex and have the ability to take control of her phone use (if you wish!)

Hahaha NotSuchASmugMarried, that's brilliant. Do that, OP!

YANBU. Just tell her that her Dad bought it and it should stay at his house just in case something happens to it.

It could easily have tracking on the phone so he'll be able to tell where you all are, not sure if that would bother you but I wouldn't my ex knowing our every move via the kids gps.

Apart from that I would just say no anyways, it's a joint decision and you aren't up for it. She's just little and a phone would take some amount of parental monitoring