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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have expected him to meet her sooner

30 replies

summerbreeze15 · 20/10/2017 12:41

My 30 year old brother has never met his niece. She's 7 months now. He never sent so much as a congratulations when she was born. I've invited him out I meet her and to her baptism and he didn't respond to any of my messages. With Christmas coming my mum keeps going on about how she can't wait for us to pop over so that my brother can meet the baby. AIBU to think that if he was really that bothered he would have made the 30 minute journey over himself at some point in the last 7 months? He drives and owns a car.

OP posts:

Phosphorus · 20/10/2017 12:46

Are you normally close?

Because if not, you can hardly expect him to be interested in a baby he happens to share relatives with.

Original poster

summerbreeze15 · 20/10/2017 12:52

Not close but I know if he had kids I wouldn't wait 7 months to meet them and I'd send him a congrats. I even sent him a card and a few quid for his birthday a while back and didn't get so much as a thank you.

OP posts:

Bobbiepin · 20/10/2017 12:53

I have family members with children I've not met. If you guys are usually fairly close and see each other regularly then yes, he should have met her but the way you talk about popping over for Christmas suggests that your brother wont be celebrating with you so maybe not that close. It sucks a bit but unlesa you are desperate for them to have a close relationship I think its something you need to let go of.

BubbleAndSquark · 20/10/2017 12:54

My brothers not remotely interested in my DC, we get on fine but he will chose to see me when they are asleep and never held either of them as babies. He just doesn't have any interest in children and doesn't want his own, its nothing personal.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2017 12:57

Wow, I don't think I'd be able to not laugh out loud at that and say something like 'I wouldn't get too excited about it, he clearly doesn't give a toss about meeting her and hasn't even sent congratulations or responded to any of my messages or invitations, why on earth would you be looking forward to him finally being in the same room with her totally by chance?'

It's his choice totally of course and he's not obliged to do anything, but don't let your Mum turn it into something it's not because she wants to feel better about him. He's been rude to not even reply to texts so point that out!

SleepingStandingUp · 20/10/2017 12:57

30 minutes away????
I assumed Scotland to London distance or abroad .

However hives 30 minutes away and you've not seen him in that time, not for his birthday or parents stuff? I think that's really sad. Even if you aren't close, unless theres a massive backstory I think its really sad things have drifted so far.

Not surprised he hasn't seen niece as it doesn't sound lime he's interested in you let alone her but I wonder how interested you are in him in return.

Babies can be a catalyst for change though. But you need to decide if YOU want a relationship with him first

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2017 12:58

Jesus don't bother with his birthday next time. He's clearly not at all interested, fine, but leave him to it! And set your mum straight.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 20/10/2017 12:59

I shall undoubtedly be told differently, with many anecdotal stories, but I've yet to meet a bloke who was remotely interested in any child but the fruit of his own loins, irrespective if it is his sisters, cousins or best mates.

CoughLaughFart · 20/10/2017 13:00

I live three hours from my sister. I got on a train when I heard she was in labour. I can't imagine having waited seven days, let alone months.

thiskittenbarks · 20/10/2017 13:02

You aren't BU at all. My brother is like this too. It makes me feel sad for my baby, but mainly sad for my brother who is missing out on so much. Try not to dwell.

BackforGood · 20/10/2017 13:06

I have to say, reading your OP I assumed you lived in a different country from him

He was rude not to reply to specific invitations, and I would have phoned him and asked him for his reply.

He is, of course entitled to not be interested in babies, and not interested in his sister's life at all, but I guess that's where you were before children ? Did you ever get together 'just because' before then ? Spend an evening together or go round to each others for a BBQ, etc?

NoCanoe · 20/10/2017 13:09

Your brother lives at home with your parents? Or you just all going to be there at same time over Christmas?
A lot depends on your previous relationship. And I do agree with SloeSloe - may sound sexist but most men aren't interested in babies. But he may be a great uncle once they grow up a bit....

thiskittenbarks · 20/10/2017 13:10

I agree that if you aren't close it might just be an extension of that. But the baby is his niece - regardless of your relationship with him, he and his niece can have their own relationship, if he chooses to engage. Even if there has been some huge issue between him and you, I would expect him to come and meet the baby. Especially if you have invited him to special events.
My brother is the same though and I have no idea if it's intentional or he is just too emotionally illiterate to realise..

buckeejit · 20/10/2017 13:15

He's a dick. Even if he's not interested he should just pretend and pop by twice a year or at least in the first 6 months at some stage. Is she the first granddaughter and have you any other siblings?

Sounds like he's quite infantalised. He lives with his parents and doesn't say thank you for presents? In my family we all send each other the same amount of money for everyone's birthday - its totally pointless but we all still do the 'thanks very much for the gift, far too much...' text

SecretSmellies · 20/10/2017 13:19

Don't let your mum turn it into your responsibility for your brother to meet your baby. It's his if he wants to, and for him to 'pop' over to you, not you pop over to him.

If your mum is anything like mine then she desperately wants to play happy families and pretend relationships are there that just are not, and she will lean on the most amenable child (aka- you) to make that happen rather than tell DB to shape up.

2rebecca · 20/10/2017 13:22

Agree about many men just not being interested in babies. It also sounds as though he's not that interested in you either which I find more upsetting although if you've never been close having a baby isn't going to change that. I'm surprised you didn't tell your mum that he's an adult with a car who has been invited round and has chosen not to see his niece not a housebound 90 year old.

thiskittenbarks · 20/10/2017 13:30

SecretSmellies I agree re mums playing happy families- my mum is the same. Part denial, part wishful thinking.

Steeley113 · 20/10/2017 13:31

He sounds like a dick. My brother is 30 and lives with my parents. Each time I had a child, he dutifully came with my parents to meet them asap. He wasn't particularly interested but it is what siblings do. He would see them when they were at my parents, make sure he got them cards and presents for birthdays. Now my eldest is older, he actually spends a lot of time with him playing computer games and has babysat for me a couple of times. Hopefully as your child gets older, he takes more interest.

Underparmummy · 20/10/2017 13:31

My mum is funny about my brother and my dc too. He's obviously not majorly bothered, send them bday/xmas pressies and will lay for a bit the 2 times a year he sees them. Its all fine, but my mum will go on and on about how much he loves them. I find it odd.

Underparmummy · 20/10/2017 13:32

lay=play

littlebird77 · 20/10/2017 13:41

You can't change the fact your brother cares neither for you or for your beautiful baby, and if it were me I would not be going to my mother's for christmas if you don't want to. It is your special christmas, your first one with your new baby and if you feel he could ruin it (and this could happen simply with his presence because he has been so neglectful) then I wouldn't see them.
Invite your mum over for christmas eve drinks and presents and do your own thing on the actual day, you need to be surrounded by people that know how special this is for you, you won't have your first christmas ever again so it is not worth being upset. Don't waste any more time thinking about him, your mum needs to be managed so she doesn't expect to play happy families when it suits her, and you need some serious distance from him. Put your energies into being with those that love you and care about your dd.

Underparmummy · 20/10/2017 13:44

Christmas day with a child under the age of a about 18 months is slightly underwhelming though, I personally wouldn't put too much emphasis on not visiting your mum on xmas day because of your brother.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/10/2017 13:49

Some blokes just don't 'do' babies, relatives or not! Sounds like it means more to your Mum than it does to your brother. Chances are he'll just take one look at her and then look back at the TV.

Suggest you just say to your Mum that you've made it clear he's welcome anytime but he doesn't seem interested.

littlebird77 · 20/10/2017 13:54

underparmummy

I loved christmas with my babies, it was so special, and now they are older I wish I could have that time back. I didn't find it underwhelming at all, it was precious time then, made more precious now they are older and I can not hold them in my arms.

Life is too short to worry about a wayward brother

MoistCantaloupe · 20/10/2017 14:04

So you will dismiss evidence to suggest otherwise as anecdotal, and firmly believe no man is interested in a child that is not their own. Very open minded of you.

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