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AIBU?

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Original poster

About talking about our wedding when not even engaged?

31 replies

PixieChemist · 16/10/2017 12:14

DP has been married previously and says he should never have married her. She proposed after a couple of weeks and he said he rushed into it (naively) hoping everything would be okay. They were divorced two years after getting married.

I told him this time around I'd want him to propose to me when he's ready so I know he's serious.

Lately he's been wanting to chat about weddings, what we'd like to do etc. He says he's serious but he hasn't proposed.

AIBU to think I'd rather be engaged before talking that seriously?

Is it normal to talk about your own wedding and what you'd like if you're not even engaged?

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 16/10/2017 12:16

I don’t see anything wrong with it tbh. Lots of people talk about the wedding they’d like etc long before the engagement or anything happens.

Me and dh spoke about our wedding, long Before any engagement or anything

ASDismynormality · 16/10/2017 12:17

DH and I didn't get engaged at all, we had been living together for 11 years and had three children before we got married so getting engaged didn't seem necessary.

Ilovecoleslaw · 16/10/2017 12:17

Me and DP talk about what we'd like at our wedding and we're not engaged. It's just ideas, not serious planning.
We both know we want to get married to each other when we can afford it. And neither of us want a really long engagement, so DP has said he'll propose when its the right time and we can afford a wedding

ThePants999 · 16/10/2017 12:19

IMO, if you're both in agreement that you're going to get married, you ARE engaged.

scottishdiem · 16/10/2017 12:21

DP and I talked about childrens names fairly early in the relationship. We are now married for 5 years and have no inclination to have kids, ever. Chat about things doesnt mean planning for things.

KoalaD · 16/10/2017 12:21

IMO, if you're both in agreement that you're going to get married, you ARE engaged.

That's pretty much how I see it.

gunsandbanjos · 16/10/2017 12:22

We talked about getting married before we were engaged. We’re both grown ups and have both been married before.

Welwyncitydweller · 16/10/2017 12:24

I find engagements a bit out dated now that most people co-habit as a sign of commitment. I’m not sure of the point other than it seems like an excuse to buy jewels.

thecatsthecats · 16/10/2017 12:26

My OH and I got engaged on our tenth anniversary a week ago. We have been to so many weddings that of course we have chatted about what we do or don't like!

My friend made noises about 'ooh, getting serious' when we talked about our rough ideas for getting married, having babies etc in the past. I think it would be very weird if we'd been together so long without knowing that sort of thing about each other!

Tilapia · 16/10/2017 12:28

I think casual chat to make sure you're on the same page is fine / normal. But if he wants to start making actual plans then he needs to put his money where his mouth is. Or you could propose yourself. I know you've agreed it should be him, but things change!

pigeondujour · 16/10/2017 12:30

We talk about ours loads but we aren't formally engaged as in wearing a ring, going on a diet and talking to venues. I agree that it is mostly an excuse for jewellery though (fine by me!)

PerfectlyPosed · 16/10/2017 12:34

My DP and I often discuss our "wedding". We know where it will be and even roughly when but he hasn't got round to proposing yet. I know getting engaged isn't the most important thing but I want a ring!

sooperdooper · 16/10/2017 12:34

If you're talking about getting married I don't see the point of a proposal - next time you talk about it just say let's get a date booked, a proposal is irrelevant if you've agreed you're getting married

user1485342611 · 16/10/2017 12:36

I don't understand how a couple planning to get married at some staged are not 'engaged'. Do you mean you haven't bought a ring and made a formal announcement? Or that you don't consider yourself and your partner to be engaged/

Catwithglasses · 16/10/2017 12:37

IMO, if you're both in agreement that you're going to get married, you ARE engaged.

Yep -doesn't need a ring and announcement to make it so, does it?

Scribblegirl · 16/10/2017 12:40

We talked about our wedding before DP proposed - we both knew it was where the relationship was headed but we had a few things we wanted to do first (buy a flat, sort ourselves out financially etc).

But then, we're now engaged and mid wedding planning and we talk about lots of things that we aren't 'there yet' on - kids, names, where we want to live in 10 years, what we'll do with our retirement...

To my mind that chat is all 'what we'd love to do in the future', what our wedding would look like was part and parcel of it.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 16/10/2017 12:41

Engagement = promise to marry. Not a ring and a party.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 16/10/2017 12:47

Hm, I don't think it's overly weird. My DP and I talk about what our wedding will hopefully be like, and we're not engaged. We can't afford the wedding we want right now, so we're not officially engaged.

2014newme · 16/10/2017 12:50

Keep it low key for a second time around wedding

Ifailed · 16/10/2017 12:55

A wedding is just a legal contract with a party thrown in, it's all over in a day. Far better to be thinking about lies ahead and how you will live together, sharing the work-load out, finances, responsibilities, children etc.

Original poster
PixieChemist · 16/10/2017 12:58

I don't think DP would actually class us as engaged even though we talk about our plans a lot. I can't see him wanting to announce to the world we're engaged as he just doesn't see it that way.

I did ask him at the weekend if you're serious then what's the point of a proposal and he said he didn't know but then he doesn't actually class us as engaged. More just committed partners who at some point in the next two years will get married.

OP posts:
Tsundoku · 16/10/2017 13:22

IMO if you're talking seriously about a wedding, you're engaged. The ring, party, fancy proposal, announcement etc are symbolic of your engagement, but the reality of an engagement is that you're two people planning to marry.

If there was a legal status change upon presentation of a diamond ring then it would make sense to recognise this moment (the dividing line between being pre-engaged and engaged), but you're no more or less bound to marriage before or after the proposal. It's a statement of intent. If you're already intending to marry each other, then it's superfluous, and it seems quite superficial to insist of manufacturing this Milestone Romantic Moment.

Still, it's hardly the end of the world, and if it makes people happy then what's the harm? Sometimes it's nice to have a milestone moment, even if it's a bit fake; all the wedding discussions will eventually blur together, but you rarely forget the actual proposal.

The only time I think it's dodgy is when a guy is stringing you along with vague wedding talk because he's not entirely sure he wants to get married, and so he's scrupulously avoiding any specific statements whilst maintaining the semblance of a committed relationship. Eventually he'll pull an Ashley Wilkes/John Willoughby and claim you've got the wrong end of the stick and he never actually proposed. You're no longer obliged to revenge-marry some random or take to your bed when this happens, but it's annoying anyway and a waste of everyone's time.

Original poster
PixieChemist · 16/10/2017 13:39

The only time I think it's dodgy is when a guy is stringing you along with vague wedding talk because he's not entirely sure he wants to get married, and so he's scrupulously avoiding any specific statements whilst maintaining the semblance of a committed relationship.

So then if there's no official proposal, how do you know whether he's stringing you along or if he's actually serious?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 16/10/2017 13:55

how do you know whether he's stringing you along or if he's actually serious?

If you want to get married and is talking about nebulous plans, he might just be trying to keep you quiet. One way would be to ask him and to assume, if he says anything that is not an agreement about what (if anything) you need to sort out before setting a date and getting the important things in motion, that he is stringing you along. If he has been fobbing you off, then I can see that you need a serious think about how important it is to you.

Please be aware that the important things referred to above, are the legal stuff associated with getting married, and not anything clothes or party related. Putting you off because you essentially want a party with you as the star may be fair enough, but what does that say about his love and tolerance for your heart's desire? If you are essentially not in agreement about whether, rather than when to marry..what does that say about him.

confused123456 · 16/10/2017 14:02

We did. We just talked casually about what we'd like when we did get married. It meant that when it was time to plan the wedding, it was very easy as we both already knew what we wanted.

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