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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

leaving 14yr old alone

22 replies

Hurleygirl123 · 15/10/2017 23:30

My stbxh has our 14yr old dd to stay over tonight. She messages me to say he's out, she doesn't know where, he's not taken his phone... She doesn't know when he'll come in??! Why have dd to stay over then leave her alone in empty house ffs?? Aibu??

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/10/2017 23:34

Well she old enough to leave on her own. She’s also old enough to leave if he’s going out and come home. Unless they’re hours away.

I don’t see the point of having them over if they’re going out. They may as well stay at home in that case.

LadyWire · 15/10/2017 23:35

Can you pick her up? Not telling her where he is and not having his phone is not ok with a 14yo at this time if night.

WorraLiberty · 15/10/2017 23:36

Is this a regular thing or just tonight?

KityGlitr · 15/10/2017 23:39

YABU, all very well saying 'why have her to stay if you're gonna go out' but she's sleeping at her parents, not a distant relative she stays with to spend time with Joe and then, I doubt you are always at home when she is? If she's at her dad's she's at 'home' too!

Also 14 is very much old enough to be left alone, by that age most of my friends and I were going away for weekends alone to festivals and staying out after gigs/parties. However he should have let her know when he would be back and given her a way to contact him as I'm sure you'd do in that situation. A little unfair to just disappear with no comment.

KityGlitr · 15/10/2017 23:39

*now, not Joe!

Original poster
Hurleygirl123 · 15/10/2017 23:41

He's pretty lax about this, wants kids to stay but not prepared for them. It's dark and he doesn't even lock the doors, I'm going to have to speak to him tomorrow.. I agree there's no point in having her to stay (oldest of 3dds) then buggering off to pub quiz!!?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/10/2017 23:42

How do you know he's at a pub quiz, if he hasn't said where he's going?

Is this a one-off or does he make a habit of going out without his phone?

Original poster
Hurleygirl123 · 15/10/2017 23:43

I do leave her on own, but she knows where I am, has means of contacting me and wen I'll be back...I wouldn't leave her to go to pub.

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 15/10/2017 23:44

How do you know he is at the pub if he hasn't said where he is going?

stopbeingadramallama · 15/10/2017 23:46

If he hasn’t said where he’s going, how do you know he’s gone to a pub quiz??

stopbeingadramallama · 15/10/2017 23:47

I might be being stupid but... surely pub quizzes don’t last until 11:45 on a Sunday night?

5foot5 · 15/10/2017 23:48

I do not think it is OK to leave a 14 yo alone at this time of night. Apart from anything else It is a school night and she should be In bed not texting her Mum.

And the poster (gamerchick) who says she is old enough to leave on her own, get real, at nearly midnight!!

Original poster
Hurleygirl123 · 15/10/2017 23:49

I know he was at quiz as he's subsequently returned, saying to dd he was 'held up' at pub quiz....wot...at gunpoint lol? I've no issues with him leaving her in house, so long as he takes phone and let's her know where he is etc..I do have a bloody issue wen I then get the worried messages from my dd, asking where he is etc..

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurleygirl123 · 15/10/2017 23:50

In Scotland, pubs open later, schools on hols too Smile

OP posts:
5foot5 · 15/10/2017 23:53

Sorry I have just re-read. I thought you meant "leave the house to go home on her own" . I realise now you didn't say that you just meant to be left alone.

I agree 14 yo can be left alone but I still think this is too late

KrytensNanobots · 15/10/2017 23:59

Oh, thank goodness some sense crept into the thread at the end there. Was reading like Confused
I've a 14 year old, no way would I leave home alone until nearly midnight!

supersop60 · 16/10/2017 00:00

What's the point of her staying over if he isn't going to spend time with her? Can't he go out when she's with you? Shoddy.

GabsAlot · 16/10/2017 00:14

so its his visiting tim and hes fucked off to a pub quiz

charming

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2017 00:18

I think your ex sounds both irresponsible and not very nice. If you r dd doesn't wan to go and stay I'd not be encouraging her to go. Does she feel confident enough to say to him that she was unhappy being left alone. Why can't he lock the doors, take a phone and tell her where he is and when he will be back?

pinkyredrose · 16/10/2017 09:08

Why couldn't he take her with him?

corythatwas · 16/10/2017 09:39

Title slightly misleading: this isn't actually about leaving a 14yo alone in the dark (which many of us would happily do): it's about behaving shittily towards someone you're supposed to love and want to spend time with. It's about not letting her know where he was going or when he would be back. It's not acceptable behaviour towards anyone who is staying in your house: 14 or 44.

Original poster
Hurleygirl123 · 16/10/2017 13:43

Had words today, hopefully will not happen again. Thanks for posting all, it's good to get other folks perspective on these things Smile

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