so called 'help' from SBEXH

[pinkingshears]

A year ago I moved, with Dh agreement, me & kids to a diff educational area to see if they would get more help (SEN - they have)
Things were v rocky anyway and I have been happier Separated.

In the year since he has not paid maintenance. Not done EOW.
Does a bit of Disney Dad stuff but was always this way anyway.
Earlier this yr he wrecked my car by driving it without fluids whilst it was pouring smoke. He didnt mean to. It was old and might have broken anyway but he didnt pull over when I asked and now it is not repairable.
Today he was to help me source another (I have no car, mobility probs and live rurally). There were 3 cars to see. He was unwell and didnt show up - Fair dos- but I could not get there.
He just called me about a (n admittedly perfect) car he has seen online. It is 100m away. (need adapted car and price is an issue so am quite limited in suitability). I am not happy about paying for it by phone without seeing it so ask how we would get there to view it. I am trying to feed kids and do laundry and he is being arsey (as per) and says he is 'doing me a favour'. Puts phone down twice.

I think that as I have no transport for his kids (no public and I cant walk far) and am obvs disadvantaged about viewing cars it would be the correct thing for him to assist (not even financially!) to get this sorted without childish tantrums.

(if ANYONE else to help / it made sense to get a mobility car I would!)

Yanbu, he sounds awful. Imagine being childish and stroppy with someone who has mobility issues, how self centered is he usually?

Ach it doesnt sound that bad reading it back I suppose but FFS.
He has no responsibilities at all and he is being a twat with me?? Grr.

No, it really does sound bad reading it back! He is awful.

I have mobility problems but don't drive. DP drives everywhere and actually does most of the shopping. I cannot imagine being stuck rurally with no car and him refusing to help ever!

I dont suppose he'd see it as 'refusing to help' but it is all on his terms.
He gets really moody if I dont see him as my 'amazing rescuer' all the time (actually I am the stronger one if anything). He DOES suffer from anxiety and depression. I sympathise as I had this many years ago (before I met him) but he can be really aggressive with it.
He was in the huff last week as I didnt want to buy the van he'd suggested (couldnt afford it!) and now because I didnt leap at the chance of his next suggestion (which I'd LOVE) he is huffy again.

Is it sensible to put down a phone deposit on a £2K car without seeing it? It is from a garage but not one I know and I couldnt get it back there if something went wrong with it.

God what a wanker!

Oops! Sorry. As I was reading that, he broke your car, and isn't willing to help source another one, that would benefit his dc?... SMH

No it does sound awful! He sounds ike a nightmare.

In some ways you'd almost be better off if wasn't around at all rather than partially around yet also screwing things up for you - intentionally and by being willfully dim it seems.

And it would be madness to buy a car without seeing it first (unless you'd have the right to return under some kind of distance selling regulations? Doesn;t sound like somehitng I would trust though.

Am assuming you can't get a Motability car as obviously that might help you with the free servicing and adaptions etc - though I know it isn't a cheap perfect option by any means.

Wish I could help you out but having car issues and health issues ourselves so am also stuck. I really feel for you

Sorry x post

No I woudnt give a phone deposit. You wouldnt want them to end up with your card/ bank details.... who knows who they are.

Quercuscircus ah, that's really nice of you thanks!
Plenty of folk having as hard /harder time than me so didn't mean to be a moaney baggage just it messes with my head all this sulking and passive aggressive stuff.
Apparantly it is 'my fault' that I can only drive an automatic (health reasons) and there is 'less of a choice'.
He IS crappy though.
eg I did ALL of the cooking.For 17 years.
Apparently he doesnt as he 'wont get it right and I will moan'.
So, a few years ago I mentioned to him, away from small ears, that it would be nice if he could sometimes say: 'thanks' in front of them to encourage them to appreciate dinner etc. Cue him then putting his cutlery together at the end of the meal saying: 'Thank you for a lovely meal please may I leave the table'.

I would strongly advise you to look into car rental schemes.
You might find it works out a lot cheaper than buying, taxing, insuring MOTing, servicing and repairing a second hand car.
A lot less risky than taking a chance on a second hand car.
Definitely do not pay a deposit on a car you have not seen.
If you don't know much about cars you would need to get someone knowledgeable to check it over and your ex does not sound like the best person to do that for you.
You can rent a decent car for around £10 per day with insurance at £10 per week.

Of course it does depend on how much you plan to pay for the car you want to buy, so it is all relative.
Can you claim any mobility allowance?

endofthelinefinally I have worked out costings and I think it's my best option but thanks for the suggestion as I'd not been aware of that.

I've been sitting in tears all afternoon. I am so glad I dont have to deal with his constant sulking any more. I'd like to go home though.

Oh blimey! You definitely are not moaning pinking. You have genuinely challenge shit to deal with!

Sounds like he has really ground you down over the years to the extent that you think you don't have the right to even acknowledge the real difficulties you face :( There's a looooong way between being frustrated and being self pitying or moaning about nothing.

He sounds like an arsehole. Ok so maybe the depression is a big part of you he has become (and maybe reflect how he feels about himself), but even so... my god, some of those things he has said are just really horrible.

We have similar concerns about where/ how to get a car. I think maybe local garages are best if you have that kind of local atmosphere where dealers care about their reputations. But that seems to be rare these days :(

Sorry I missed the bit in your OP about the mobility car thing. The scheme is pricey and of course it is very hard to qualify these days.

Bah. Wish I knew what to suggest :(

thanks quercus
I guess it's just, on top of any actual difficulties (as I say they are all 'first world' but sometimes it seems a bit too much to deal with) I have to deal with his dramas about them too, and trying to decide in my head AIBU or is he being a pita (and if so then I am a huge mug as this kind of stuff has been going on at least a decade). Its all really tiring!
I hope you can find a car too. I dream of living somewhere with loads of public transport but then I visit somewhere and see all the steps etc and dream of a reliable car (and a reliable H or at least a helpful ex to co-parent with) Ah well!!!

Yanbu, he sounds like a twat. It's hard enough parenting sn children, without all this shit too. I hope you find a solution op.

I think you can safely assume from now on that he is being the PITA and stop wondering. You sound very nice and normal!

Re the past many relationhips break down and it takes time to know what to do and get out. MH issues complicate things, as does disability. I think you can say it is a challenge even in the first world!! Especially with this government!

You have a lot on your plate so give yourself a huge pat on the back!! And a virtual one from me :)

Maybe we will win big on the lottery and then can invest in teleportation devices to solve all our problems! Or hoverboards if more practical... magic carpets maybe?!