To feel really sad for DH?

[PhDPepper]

So my DH is 30 this year and his twin brother has arranged to see their parents and siblings in the city he lives in.

We’ve been invited but DH has really bad middle child syndrome everyone talks over him and no one really listens. There is always an argument when the siblings get together. It’s like they can do normal conversation one on one but anything else and it just spirals.

It’s a constant game of one upmanship.. anyway! I think he feels a bit pissed off we’re having to go to a different city for a chinese on his 30th.

Would we be unreasonable to not go? We already feel like outcasts when his siblings are there, to go through that on your birthday will be really shitty! Or would it just be easier to get it over with show our faces, keep quiet and do something the week after for his birthday?

I feel so sorry for him.

As a twin myself, I say don’t go. It’s his choice what he wants to do on his birthday.

I’ve not spent my birthday with my twin for tr last 2 years and this year I didn’t even see my family on my birthday.
If his family feel it’s that big an issue, perhaps suggest a meal somewhere that’s in the middle of you all on another night?

Without knowing the details of how your DHs siblings behave it's hard to say, but my gut instinct tells me you should do whatever he fancies for his birthday and not worry about anything or anyone else!

It must be awful for him (and you to see him) being made to feel small by his siblings.

Stand our ground. Don't go for the sake if it to "keep the peace". It might even make oy dh more confident in the long run.

Apologies for the typos. Bad phone.

It is his 30th, have a party and invite his friends.
I have DTs in their mid 20s. This year they did their own thing. I went and saw one for five mins, dropped off a cake, gave a hug and left him to party with his friends.

Funny isn't it, my middle child is the most dominant.

Question: if DH doesn't go with everyone in the family think he's sulking?

Point: he could have organised something himself if he set so much store by his birthday. He didn't and his brother did organise something.

Does he normally see family on his birthday? I only ask because I don't live anywhere near my family and can't remember the last time I saw them on my birthday. Crack on and arrange something that he wants to do and don't worry about it.

No, not unreasonable - it's his birthday too after all. Presumably, the family are visiting the brother as he invited them, so I'm not sure that it's sad as such. Would they not just be assuming that your husband is doing his own thing without family and let him get on with it?

I think he feels frustrated because his older sibling got a meal in a Michelin restaurant for their 30th last year.

Also the tension between the 4 of them is palpable, there are constant arguments and the older and younger stick together and the twins stick together. The twins went to uni and are now professionals my DH is a solicitor and one of the stupid arguments they had at Christmas was about employment law? And no one listened to him even though it’s what he does for a job.. It’s all really petty but it doesn’t make him feel any better.

Think I’m rambling. Don’t think we’ll be going. Peace or not!

@FenceSitter01 yes they would think he was sulking!

Also his mum asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and 2 mins later twin bro says they’ve decided on chinese

Sorry - I'm thickly lost.

DH is one half of the twins? who 'stick together' but there is angst over the other twin having a birthday party in his town?

Life is too short for angst.

I'm a great believer in people finding their own place in the pecking order of their own family, every one has a role to play - your DH isn't happy with allotted role, so you might just as well do your own thing.

Will the others miss him? is it just a 'lively' family who squabble and over talk but actually love each other very much?

@FenceSitter01 yes they’re all very loud and talky and my DH is an introvert to the extreme.

Agree with fence - can you be a bit clearer about the dynamic between your DH and his twin?

You say the two of them "stick together", but go on to imply that his twin is actually the one causing the problem. Which is it?

So his parents had 3 under 2? What is the age gap with the fourth? Sounds like the family dynamic could have been exhausting!

It's hard to tell who is Bu but this is definitely one of those threads where I would like to hear the other sides!!

@DeadGood so if there is an argument between the 4 the older and younger will usually argue against the twins which is weird. However I think this particular issue is that his twin hasnt spoken to him about the family gathering for their birthday which is in his twins town and everyone will have to travel for it. Everyone apart from his twin live in the same city.

@TheAntiBoop yes there is a 15 month age gap between the twins and their older brother, think they were about three months early though so a bit closer than expected! and a 5 year age gap between the twins and the younger. I think their parents need a bloody medal!