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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think FIL drinks too much.

31 replies

SweeeeetCaroline · 07/10/2017 15:01

He’ll have a bottle of beer in hand by lunchtime most days. He goes to the pub almost every day. He’s also a smoker but his drinking concerns me most as he’s now retired so he has more time on his hands. He never really appears drunk though.

Is it likely this will be greatly damaging his health? I don’t drink much at all so maybe this is more normal than I realise amoungst his generation. I just would hate to see this cause him to have poor health in future. Thanks.

OP posts:
Tealdeal747 · 07/10/2017 15:03

How many units a week?

Original poster
SweeeeetCaroline · 07/10/2017 15:05

God knows. I dread to think!

OP posts:
Original poster
SweeeeetCaroline · 07/10/2017 15:06

If they come to stay with us, we often don’t have any alcohol so one of the first things he does is goes off to buy beers.

OP posts:
Be3Al2Si6O18 · 07/10/2017 15:07

His genes will probably have a greater influence on his life and health.

My ex-FIL retired on a fantastic pension at 60, drinks four bottles of red wine a day. You see them all lined up in the kitchen by 10am. He is in his late 80's, thin as a rake, still writes journals and plays in a band very competently.

You or I might be dead, but he comes from a family of similar long living talented people including an olympic medal winner. It is all about genes.

FittonTower · 07/10/2017 15:17

My dad is like this. Makes me sad but he doesn't drive once he's started drinking and he never seems drunk. I've tried suggesting he could drink a bit less but he's a bit in denile

TidyDancer · 07/10/2017 15:19

Dangerous to say it's all about genes. I would be concerned about any habitual drinking that involved large amounts of alcohol. Not sure there's anything you can do about it though.

danTDM · 07/10/2017 15:26

Not really your business how he lives his life unless it affects you, he is abusive, nasty, appears drunk infront of children etc.

Original poster
SweeeeetCaroline · 07/10/2017 15:36

danTDM

Not really your business how he lives his life unless it affects you, he is abusive, nasty, appears drunk infront of children etc.

Not my business to have concern for a relatives health? How do you work that one out? I’m not going to approach him on the issue but with all the negative stuff in the media with regards to the dangers of alcohol, I just wanted to get an idea of how dangerous his current drinking habits are.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 15:40

He has probably developed a high tolerance to alcohol over many years so does not appear drunk. But he is drunk all the same. Apart from the smoking my retired dad behaved the same around alcohol and had an unhealthy relationship with it.

Your FIL is likely damaging his own health here and this is also insidious in its onset. Unfortunately there is nothing to you can do to future proof any health crisis. He has to be the one to himself decide to give up drinking for good; no-one else can do that for him.

My dad has now ceased drinking altogether but that only came about because of stomach problems requiring numerous tests and hospital appointments.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2017 15:43

What does your H think about his dad's drinking; has he got an opinion on this matter?

I would actually consider contacting Al-anon as they are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

danTDM · 07/10/2017 16:38

Well you have your opinion then, don't ask ours and then disagree.

IMO it is not your business, no. This is your FIL not your DH or your DF. Ask your DH what he think about it.

Do what you and you DH think best.

You'll always find someone on MN who will say he is killing himself. Just hang on and you'll get the answer you seem to want.
But it is really up to him how he lives his life.

JennyWoodentop · 07/10/2017 17:10

He drinks every day.
He starts drinking in the mornings.
He can't visit without making sure he has alcohol available.

That's a few boxes ticked on a checklist isn't it.

Without knowing all the details, I would be concerned he's possibly dependent on alcohol, and that the drinking by lunchtime and having to immediately get beers in when he visits might be about dealing with withdrawal symptoms - if that's the case, then yes it sounds like he has a problem.

I hope he doesn't drive as he probably always has alcohol in his system. Don't get in a car with him or allow your children to. If you think he's driving impaired, consider trying to stop him or reporting him. That of course could cause a massive family fall out if everyone is in denial and enabling him. I disagree with people who say it's not your business - if he's driving impaired, it's everyone's business.

You can be concerned, but what he does about it, if anything, is up to him. He's unlikely to stop just because you say so. I agree with the poster who suggested Al-anon.

danTDM · 07/10/2017 17:20

Obviously it is your business if he is driving your children Hmm
That goes without saying. He should clearly NOT drive.

But the OP doesn't mention that he drives, just that he doesn't appear drunk, buys beer when he stays with them, starts early and goes to the pub! He is retired and surely can do what he wants?

SweeeetDreams · 07/10/2017 17:22

He does drive. I don’t think he’d go in his car if he had consumed alcohol that day but my concerns would be that there could still be alcohol in his system from a previous day.

Original poster
SweeeeetCaroline · 07/10/2017 17:23

Sorry, that post was me 🙈

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 07/10/2017 17:25

It's not all about genes at all. Genes may be a factor but they are not the only factor. You have no idea of the damage that may be being caused by so much alcohol in his system. Anyone who drinks 4 bottles of wine a day for 20 years will have caused significant damage to their liver. There is no way you are not embellishing either how healthy he is or how much he regularly drinks.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/10/2017 17:26

It depends how much he drinks. If the bottle in his hand at lunchtime is the only one he drinks, and he nurses one pint of beer each day in the pub, then that's not much over guidelines. If he knocks back pint after pint every day, it's a different issue and might well affect his health.

FenceSitter01 · 07/10/2017 17:32

He goes to the pub almost every day.

But this is where his friends are. In the unlikely event you can get a whole gaggle of men of a certain age out of the pub, and taking up a hobby where they can socialise, then leave well alone. You really expect him to cut loose from his friends after 60 or 70 years ?

Haffdonga · 07/10/2017 17:33

Why on earth is it not the OP's business? Confused

He's a close family member that she and her dh presumably care about. She's expressed concerns about his health. Why on earth should she mind her own business. What a miserable and cold-hearted attitude some people have.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/10/2017 17:35

Well it does come across as being interfering. She needs to be careful how she approaches it, if it's advisable to approach it at all.

JennyWoodentop · 07/10/2017 17:35

It depends how much he drinks. If the bottle in his hand at lunchtime is the only one he drinks, and he nurses one pint of beer each day in the pub, then that's not much over guidelines.

I wouldn't disagree with that - however - my experience, and I work in health care, is that most people who start drinking before or at lunchtime, who drink most days or every day, and who can't visit people without knowing alcohol is available to them - these are people who are drinking a lot. They are drinking constantly, though maybe slowly and not so obviously - not necessarily several pints in succession and then being drunk.

Yes, he may just like his lunchtime pint, and that's pretty much it for the day - but that doesn't sound to me like the extent of it sadly.

Pengggwn · 07/10/2017 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretTwatyer · 07/10/2017 17:41

My Dad drinks a bottle of wine + several beers a day and always has done. Also never appears drunk.

He is 75 and has the liver of an 18 year old.

If he's not unpleasant or visibly drunk I don't see the problem. When you get to a certain age preserving your health is often just lingering on for an unpleasant old age in poor health being a burden without much quality of life. I really can't see why an early death from cirrhosis isn't preferable.

danTDM · 07/10/2017 17:43

I agree Pengggwn, totally.

Also, nowhere does it say he drinks 4 bottles of wine a day. That was someone else.

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2017 17:43

There really isn’t enough info here. A lunch time beer, socialises at pub, gets beers when socialising at theirs.

Some folks jumping to wild conclusions, which is always the case when booze gets mentioned on here.

Op, do you have any idea how much he actually is drinking on a daily basis ? If the answer is no, no one can answer your question.

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