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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend & future

22 replies

Crazycatladyx5 · 24/09/2017 22:57

AIBU to ask my boyfriend of 3 months if he sees us having a future?
I'm 49, he's 53. We met online in June. Things moved fast. We have had a weekend away together & took our kids away on holiday together in August...they get on brilliantly. We have even booked a family holiday for next August But....hes a widower of 5 years & I'm not sure if he will ever love me. He's said he wants us to be together forever.....he looks after me well & is very thoughtful & caring. We have lots of plans for going out etc over the next few months. But having read loads of stuff about widowers I'm not sure if he's done all that because he's missing having a wife or if he really likes me. ( I'm not his first gf, I'm his 3rd & the others were last year so a few years after he lost his wife.) I know I love him. But having read way too much online about widowers tonight I'm unsure about his feelings ....is it too soon to ask? I don't want to scare him off.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 24/09/2017 23:01

I don't think it is too soon to ask the question. Why waste time if neither of you want the same thing? The question is - what will you do if you don't like the answer?

slbhill42 · 24/09/2017 23:05

He said he wants you to be together forever?
How much more of a future do you want?? Confused If it's about formalities, marriage or whatever... give it some time.

WorraLiberty · 24/09/2017 23:07

3 months?

Fuck me. You need to slow down.

Just enjoy dating and see what happens.

GreenTulips · 24/09/2017 23:09

It's been three months, can't you just enjoy the moment? Why the rush to have things planned out? Things change, move and mould in relationships and nobody really knows what the future holds!

Just be happy without 'labelling' things

lunar1 · 24/09/2017 23:09

How old are the kids in al this?

meltdownsanonymous · 24/09/2017 23:11

3 months?
Hmm

womanbehavingbadly · 24/09/2017 23:14

If it's been 5 years I doubt it's in the "rebound" (sorry, for want of a better word!) stage.

Original poster
Crazycatladyx5 · 24/09/2017 23:33

Kids are 8 & 10. I have grown up kids & grandkids too. Guess I was married for so long (till last year) I'm out of touch with what I should be doing. I am enjoying the dating....& have no wish to marry again anyway, we have both been married 2x before. When he said he wants us to stay together forever not sure if he meant it. Like I said, things have moved fast.. .feels like we have known each other ages. But then I read this bloody article about widower s just saying things

I guess I'm struggling a bit with wondering if a widower will be able to love me. There's been things we have been unable to do cos it was an anniversary....at Xmas he will be with his mother in law, I know he does these things for his son & I totally get that, but I know he still misses his wife too....& I imagine always will. I guess I'm wondering if there's any mumsnetters who have had relationships with widowers & can offer advice about how they coped with the ghost of the wife.
I know it's early days for thinking all this....its just the way my mind is working at the mo.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/09/2017 23:35

You keep saying 'things have moved fast' like it's a good thing? Confused

You're kids are still very young.

Slowing right down and taking things as they come, would be a good thing here.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/09/2017 23:50

You have made plans for next year, he says he wants to be together forever. So he's not treating it like a casual thing. I'd have the 'exclusive' talk (because I don't do 'sharing') but beyond that, see how it goes.

He's a widower, so yes, it'll always be a bit more complicated. He didn't stop loving his wife, she died. Of course he will always love her & miss her and you have to be able to accept, without jealousy or bitterness, that if she hadn't died he's still be with her. It's not a situation to put yourself in if you lack self confidence.

You were only single a short while. Slow down. You have children to think about, it's not only you that will get hurt if you hurtle into this. Your kids have been through your marriage breaking up, they don't need to be playing happy families with a new man & his son for quite some time yet.

I think it would be daft to ask him because words are cheap. Take your time, see how it goes, p actions speak louder than words. 3 months is no time at all. It's FAR too soon for 'forever' chats, you barely know each other.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 24/09/2017 23:54

If you want my brutally honest opinion, I don't think you have the right personality or outlook to be in a relationship with a widower and if you were my RL friend I'd advise you to walk away now. For both of your sakes.

Disneybump · 25/09/2017 00:00

RE: 'moving too fast'... when it's right, it's right!

My DH and I started dating in summer, were pregnant by Christmas, married the following spring and have a wonderful family and are in love!

If it feels right then there's no need to 'slow down', enjoy the honeymoon period because that's what it's for, if you want to talk about forever and get some reassurance why shouldn't you?

It can help everyone involved to feel more secure and comfortable to know you are on the same page. And if you're not... best to find out now right?

Enjoy being loved up =)

Original poster
Crazycatladyx5 · 25/09/2017 00:07

Thank you Disneybump. Most of the other answers were making me remember why Ive never commented or posted on mumsnet before. Especially the one telling me my personality is not right! How anyone can know that from a couple of posts......baffles me. Constructive criticism & support/advice is fine but telling someone they have the wrong personality to do something after reading a few words they have written is pretty judgemental.

OP posts:
Disneybump · 25/09/2017 00:14

Very judgemental... I think the fact you have sought advice on how best to handle a delicate conversation with someone you love about something as important as your future proves you are very committed to this man and your relationship.

I would assume that means you have exactly the right personality to make this work, you show willing and that's all any of us really have in a partnership to begin with!

Good luck to the both of you, remember how powerful love is, if it's for real it will get you through anything, despite the circumstances!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/09/2017 00:27

DisneyBump. There's a HUGE difference between doing that when you don't have children & doing it when you both have children, one of you is only just out a marriage & the other is a widower. There are children here, on both sides, and they should come first. One has already lost their Mum & seen girlfriends come & go, and the other has just gone through their parents separation.

Cat. You asked for opinions. If you only wanted encouragement to ask him, you should have said so.

There are several things you yourself have written that make it pretty clear that being with a widower isn't going to work for you, but if you'd rather stick your head in the sand than discuss it...go ahead.

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2017 00:42

Oh come on, wake up OP.

You took your young children on a holiday with a man you hardly knew from Adam and booked another for next year and you're surprised people are concerned about how fast you're moving?

Righto....

Nikephorus · 25/09/2017 08:06

3 months when it's just the 2 of you is fair enough but to be taking youngish kids off on holiday with him that soon is too fast for them, particularly as your second divorce was only last year. They don't need so much change so quickly. Not sure if 2nd husband was DC's father or not but either way they're either getting used to DDad not being there or have already had DDad replaced and then lost the replacement. You need to put them first.

Crowdo · 25/09/2017 08:11

It's another MN trope that relationships always move too fast.

However, I do think that it's too early for this particular conversation. Try to relax and see what happens.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2017 08:24

So you know him well enough to introduce your young kids to him. But not well enough to have a chat with him about the future? Priorities seem pretty skewed to ms

Disneybump · 25/09/2017 16:21

@annieanonimouse I agree things are different with children, but everyone is different and so are situations/circumstances. I think all anyone can do is let things be and see how they go.

I don't think it's fair to tell someone they 'don't have the personality' to be with a widower! That's not what the OP was asking.

She could find in 10 years time they still talk about how lovely that holiday was... then would it have been so wrong? Perhaps after a divorce the best thing for a young family is some time together seeing their mum happy!!

To each his own, what's feels fast for some people is an age to others and vice versa. I'm more of a go for it person, so that would be my advice.

JennyHolzersGhost · 25/09/2017 16:28

What exactly is it that you're not getting from him that you'd like to hear OP?

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 25/09/2017 16:33

I'm not sure if he will ever love me.

Why would you want to live like that?

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