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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and his headaches. AIBU

52 replies

Whatthefudger · 23/09/2017 16:57

I'll give the back story here. DH started having headaches months ago. I've suggested a couple of things mainly that he should go to opticians, based on myself and DS both having crappy eye sight and crippling headache if we don't wear our glasses. Cue lots of comments about his eyesight being absolutely fine blah blah and him saying he wasn't a "speccy 4 eyes " like DS and I- but yet still headache. Eventually just booked him into the opticians and he sheepishly rung to say that actually his eye sight was pretty crap and that he needs glasses which must be worn all the time. The optician said this is most likely what's causing the problem and that he'll find the headaches should abate with glasses if not he needs to see GP.

He decided not to get glasses then and there as he thought they were too expensive and he would instead order them on line. 3 weeks later and still no glasses. So I asked when they would arrive. He finally admitted he hadnt actually got some as yet, but would order some soon. This is at the same time as spending every evening after work in bed as his head was so painful. He works on a screen all day, but doesn't get the headaches when away from work.

So 4 months on, he has finally ordered some from China which aren't here yet and he is spending another bloody weekend in bed with the curtains drawn whilst I entertain 3 Dc

The thing is I find myself absolutely furious with him and I can't genuinely decide if I'm being unsympathetic or if there is some base to be pissed off. I know he can't help it but on the other hand he hasn't exactly helped himself. It's just his constant refusal to so anything about it that grinds my gears. Should I be more reasonable about this. I just can't decide

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 23/09/2017 16:59

YANBU but he's an adult and no one can force him to buy / wear glasses if he doesn't want to.

Sirzy · 23/09/2017 16:59

When there is an easy probable solution then yanbu to be angry.

And on a side note if he knows his eye sight is that bad and is doing nothing i hope he doesn’t drive?

Squirmy65ghyg · 23/09/2017 17:00

No you shouldn't. What a twat!

stitchglitched · 23/09/2017 17:01

He sounds like an utter knob, both for languishing in bed with a self inflicted problem whilst you juggle the childcare, and for calling his child a 'speccy 4 eyes.'

AChickenCalledKorma · 23/09/2017 17:01

Sounds like he has some sort of issue about wearing glasses. He reminds me of my FIL who took literally years to accept that he needed hearing aids, despite causing magic frustration for everyone around him. YANBU to be frustrated, though.

Are ordering glasses from China sounds bizarre. What's wrong with going to Specsavers like everyone else??

Butterymuffin · 23/09/2017 17:01

He sounds both tight-fisted and not a nice person for using names like 'speccy four eyes'. I'd find it hard to be sympathetic to someone like this. You haven't mentioned him having any good points.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 23/09/2017 17:03

I wouldn't be getting into a car with him. . Or letting dc either. .

keeponworking · 23/09/2017 17:05

Every time he does it, go out with the kids somewhere expensive (you know, theme parks, attractions, events, meals out, cinema) and see how long it continues.

Any laundry not done, (that he could have done whilst you were out) when he does get up out of bed, tip it all there and tell him it's his to do but until he's done it you won't be cooking for him.

Maybe the cost of the specs will pale in insignificance to the costs you could rack up!!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/09/2017 17:05

You are treating him like a child and he is acting like a child.

How about you treat him like and adult, expect him to behave as an adult and stop playing at being his mum.

Shut up about the glasses. He's an adult he can book his own eye test, order his own glasses. He isn't 9.

Don't do his work for him. He doesn't get to decide to stay in bed all weekend. He's not 12. Dump the kids on him and go out for a few hours.

When you have to meet your responsibilities, you quick smart fix the things that make it harder, like getting glasses.

Original poster

Whatthefudger · 23/09/2017 17:06

He is actually a really good guy. We've been together a long time. He's just bloody tight. I know he's in lots of pain and it's not nice for him but I'm just irritated that he won't help himself. Well he has now but this could have been sorted months ago.

OP posts:

ginnybag · 23/09/2017 17:10

Forget 'shouldn't drive, OP, he's probably not insured.

He knows he needs glasses now, and has done for months, that should be worn at all times. If he drives without them, he likely invalidates his insurance policy. I would, and so would my DH.

So, in addition to causing himself considerable pain and you and your dc inconvenience, he's possibly breaking the law. He's certainly putting people in danger, because his eyesight isn't roadworthy.

All for the sake of his pride. I'd be a fair bit more than annoyed with him

ArthurShelbysTash · 23/09/2017 17:11

I get crippling headaches due to chronic migraine. If wearing glasses constantly solved this, they'd be super glued to my mush. Plus, I'm a speccy four eyes already.

He's being a dick. Glasses will fix headache. Wear the fuckers. 4 months? Jesus.

Also, I'm not convinced that cheap knockoffs from China are the way to go.

silentsigh · 23/09/2017 17:12

"Speccy 4 eyes"?! How rude

He could just try contacts if he doesn't like the look of glasses?

AdalindSchade · 23/09/2017 17:15

Glasses cost £30 from specsavers, nicer ones for £50. What's the speccy four eyes comment about? That's really shitty. What a baby.

Butterymuffin · 23/09/2017 17:15

I have real trouble with the idea that someone who calls others, including a child, 'speccy four eyes' is a 'really good guy'. It's not what really good guys do.

ArthurShelbysTash · 23/09/2017 17:15

Why does everyone assume that all adults drive? Not all adults drive. I don't drive due to my medical condition. Some don't drive because they don't want to or can't.

Maybe OP's DH isn't a driver (although if he is he certainly shouldn't be!)

RedDogsBeg · 23/09/2017 17:19

I would have lost the plot with him ages ago, OP. He is checking out of family life and responsibilities because he is what - too vain to wear glasses? too lazy to go and find out what the problem is? playing the martyr to his illness?

I have zero patience with anyone who has a problem that can be fixed and chooses not to do so, they receive no sympathy from me and I won't have their problem inflicted on me or anyone else - make the choice not to sort it out if you wish but there is no free pass, shut up and get on with it.

As for his being too tight to buy glasses at the time from the optician and to order them from China instead my respect for him would have vanished.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 23/09/2017 17:21

"Too tight" to buy something that enables him to see everyday? Ugh, what is wrong with him?

Glasses are cheap as chips if you get a basic pair of lenses and frames. It only starts getting costly if you go for designer frames, or you need your lenses thinning due to a really strong prescription.

I would be dragging him to the opticians myself and refusing to leave until he'd ordered and paid for some glasses. Why on earth have you let it go on this long? Yes, he's a grown man, but his children are suffering due to his ridiculous behaviour. He needs to grow up.

He can always get contacts if he has issues wearing glasses, although he's probably too cheap to pay for those too

Ilovetolurk · 23/09/2017 17:26

Just wanting to speak up for glasses delivered from China!

I order these as I like expensive rimless ones and they are less than half the price of specsavers et al. I have had no problems with quality and they usually arrive in less than 3 weeks, which can be the same length of time as a UK optician where you have a prism like I do

I have recently bought glasses with a computer prescription and they have solved my headaches that I have had for many years, what's more is they were free as work paid due to them being only for computers.

I never got headaches lasting into the weekend though as there was no eyestrain on days I was not looking at a screen, that sounds odd to me

Cheripie64 · 23/09/2017 17:31

Bit confused, if he does not get the headache when away from work, why does he need to spend all weekend in bed, sounds like he is a bit depressed, has he not heard of painkillers?

Original poster

Whatthefudger · 23/09/2017 17:34

Sorry just catching up. We also run a business from home which involves being on a computer. He did a good Three hours this morning and then ended up back in bed in agony. Silly shit

OP posts:

Blossomdeary · 23/09/2017 17:34

I would be more worried about him calling your DS a Specky-Four-Eyes - stupid git.

I have always worn glasses and so has my DD (and her DS) and my OH and I made a point of telling her how lovely she looked buying the most expensive glasses we could afford that she liked and generally being upbeat about it.

Your OH needs a kick up the arse frankly - does he really need it explaining to him how damaging putting his son down like this is? Has he no brain at all. Let him have his b headache and lump it - that's what I say.

Hassled · 23/09/2017 17:35

I'd be spitting feathers if I were you. Especially if he's martyred himself in the bedroom while you're dealing with 3 kids.

But is it financial tightness or is it vanity? Reluctance to accept the ageing process? His refusal to just buy the bloody glasses for so long is so weird and ridiculous that it makes me think there must be more going on than being mean with money.

Kardashianlove · 23/09/2017 17:36

He doesn't sound like a 'really good guy'. He sounds very selfish leaving you to look after 3 DC while he goes to bed becuause he is too tight/lazy to fix the problem.

It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you

cluelessnewmum · 23/09/2017 17:37

Is there any reason why he can't wear contact lenses if he is so vain about wearing glasses?

You need to stop enabling his childish behaviour, stop letting him stay in bed all weekend whilst you look after dc.

Seriously if his headaches were that bad he would get the bloody glasses - as ArthurShelby said, I have chronic migraine too and I would trade a kidney for a solution to them as simple as wearing glasses. Plus I regularly have to look after my dc without help when I have a migraine, it's called being a parent.

By the way, another reason to just wear the glasses is because it could be the case that glasses may not solve the problem in which case he is just delaying the process of trying to find a solution, which believe me is not easy. Better to rule out the simple reasons first.

If he does drive remove his car keys - as he wouldn't be insured knowingly driving without glasses when he needs them. Without the fact that it is dangerous for him and his passengers as well as other road users.

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