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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I give my mum money?

18 replies

countingfrogs · 22/09/2017 00:34

She's skint, most of the time she is, she's on benefits and I have younger siblings still at home. I moved out years ago and have a quite well paid job, when I got pregnant with my dd I was living at home working part time for hardly any money after transport I'd be skint she would take the majority of money I'd have left I was depressed, worried about becoming a single parent an not having any money to buy anything for dd.

I have gave her the odd £20/£30 here and there an not asked for it back. I pay all my bills myself so It's not as if I have loads of money to spare which I think she thinks I have. Should I give her money here and there? Im in two minds as I do want to help, but also remember how she was with me when I lived at home.

OP posts:
Audreyhelp · 22/09/2017 00:40

No keep your money . I have grown up children and no way would I want money of my children however hard up I was . Well done to you for getting a good job and changing your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2017 01:04

You need to look out for yourself and your child. It should be an absolute imperative of yours to put away money in savings. And I mean to live as frugally as possible, understanding the difference between want and need. You have a gorgeous little girl to provide for. What if you lost your job? Became ill or injured? As an older women who has learned a lot along the way, I know how important it is to plan for your own financial security. Your mother's responsibilities are exactly that. Her responsibilities.

OldPony · 22/09/2017 01:10

No darling don't. Give you and your child a better chance in life and lead by example. I'm so proud of you for turning things around, I was once in a similar situation.

I don't mean to sound patronising, but good for you.

MyfatheristheKing · 22/09/2017 01:11

No, keep your money for you and your child.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/09/2017 01:17

"It's not as if I have loads of money to spare which I think she thinks I have."
Sounds to me like she's been dropping hints to you to give her money? Trying to make you feel guilty?

Honestly, no, you should not be giving your mum money. You don't have loads to spare; and what you do have you should be saving for a rainy day.

NikiBabe · 22/09/2017 01:25

when I got pregnant with my dd I was living at home working part time for hardly any money after transport I'd be skint she would take the majority of money I'd have left I was depressed, worried about becoming a single parent an not having any money to buy anything for dd.

WTAF!

It is not your fault she had several children without the means to pay for them and then when you became pregnant with your own child she took everything you had from a part time job to finance herself and her other children. What a bitch. So she didnt cre if you couldnt buy clothes and essentials for a new baby as long as she got your money on top of her benefits bet she didnt declare your income to the local council

Never give her another penny. Ever.

M00nUnit · 22/09/2017 01:29

Keep your money for you and your child. You have no obligation whatsoever to give any of it to your mother.

shakingmyhead1 · 22/09/2017 04:24

i wouldnt give her money but i might every once in a while maybe buy some groceries and have them delivered, just to make sure the siblings have enough to eat, but not a regular thing as she might expect it every week, or put a few pounds on her power bill but again never regular just when the mood took me, if you are shopping and see a t-shirt on sale or something for the kids grab it etc but not cash money and only when i had extra and the mood took me to do something nice

NikiBabe · 22/09/2017 08:59

@shakingmyhead the ops mum left her with no money to prepare for her baby as she took everything the op earned! Why should ahe feed her siblings?

Loulou0 · 22/09/2017 09:02

Sounds like my mum OP. Don't go it. She's old enough to take responsibility for her own situation.

Would be different if she had helped you when you needed it but clearly she didn't

Spend your money on you and your DC.

BMW6 · 22/09/2017 09:21

Nope. Put your child and yourself front and centre. Save spare cash for future backup in case of emergency.
Sounds like you are far more responsible than your DM. Her circus, her monkeys.

Myheartbelongsto · 22/09/2017 09:27

Could you sit down with her and go through income against outgoings? See if you can help her budget or make savings.

mikeyssister · 22/09/2017 09:29

Lot of judging going around here. We have no idea of the circumstances of OPs mother.

I would totally second @shakingmyhead1. I think her suggestions are great, but your mother will probably still take it for granted and will probably expect more

Lobsterquadrille2 · 22/09/2017 09:30

You sound like a lovely daughter to even consider it but no, don't. Even ad hoc gifts of money or groceries may lead her to think that you are wealthier than you are and can be called upon for financial assistance when she deems it necessary.

My own DD is nearly 20 and her father never paid maintenance. DD does receive money sporadically from her paternal relatives and often tries to give some to me. She's a student! She needs to save all she doesn't spend - again, lovely idea but I'm an adult and my outgoings are entirely my responsibility.

shakingmyhead1 · 22/09/2017 09:46

yes NikiBabe
i did read that, my suggestions were for if she felt she wanted to help in any way to help in a way that only really benefits her siblings and only when she wanted to on a non regular basis so it doesn't become a weekly demand, again, only if or when she feels like it, I dont think she should give her mother cash money at all, as she really has no control over where it is spent ( if it is to feed the sibs or keep the power on or if mums just off drinking for the night)
rather than feel guilt for not giving her money i offered ideas that if shes had a good week or month and wants to share the wealth as it were buying 10 or 15 pounds of groceries could be a nice gesture ( im sure mum wont be grateful though)for her siblings is all

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/09/2017 09:59

OP - I agree with the others. Keep your money.

I think the standard advice is to try to have 6 months worth of rent/mortgage, bills and food costs saved in case something bad happens, if you don't have that, then you don't have a 'spare' £20/30, you really need to save it. (particularly if your DD is entirely reilant on either your wage or the benefits you could claim if you lost your job and there's not a 2nd adult to fund her lifestyle).

If you wanted to help your sibling, you could invite them over for tea sometimes, this would mean your Mum's money would stretch further.

You know your Mum wouldn't have your back if anything went wrong so save your spare cash to ensure you have your own back covered.

AJPTaylor · 22/09/2017 10:05

I think you need to stop asap
Dd is your priority.

Original poster
countingfrogs · 22/09/2017 11:09

Thank you for the replies. You are all right I should be saving, which I will now start doing! Thank you all that said well done and OldPony who said she was proud, means so much I've never had anyone say that to me. Flowers

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