AIBU? My children think so (light hearted)

[Muthafunker]

In the last couple of weeks i have actually said:
"Please don't lick the lamppost"
"Your willy is not a pistol. Please don't shoot your brother with it!"
"I've told you not to eat the straw. It might have donkey wee on it"

All totally unreasonable in the eyes of my 5yo. What are your finest 'you never thought you'd hear yourself saying'?

YANBU. "take your finger out of your bum"
"don't touch the poo"
"spit that soap out"
All said in the space of a few minutes to 2.6 year old. My days are full of making unreasonable requests to a maniac toddler.

Dd, take that sponge out of your bum.
But mummy, I'm laying it like a chicken - here, eat it