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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to want him to tell MIL to go home

215 replies

Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:32

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

OP posts:
FuzzyCustard · 03/08/2017 20:33

Not in the least U.
But your DH should be doing the dirty work on this one.

IMissGin · 03/08/2017 20:34

YANBU

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:35

They look forward to coming (and I dread it) every year. It's most likely that DH will be away for some of the time they are here but not all.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 03/08/2017 20:36

Can't you tell them it's not happening because he's got a big job on then just go and tell them you had a last minute change of heart (obvs keep it secret until afterwards)

teenytinypontypine · 03/08/2017 20:38

Couldn't you come home with DH and leave kids with the PILs? Yeah it cuts your holiday short, but you can have some time to yourself while the grandparents get some time with DC.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2017 20:38

It's totally unfair that your husband expects you to put up with them on YOUR holiday every damn year. I would absolutely put my foot down on this one.

Bluesrunthegame · 03/08/2017 20:39

He has to find a way of telling them to leave when he does! Not easy, I understand, but you need a holiday.

If you still find yourself having to entertain them for the last week without him, can you put your foot down over catering? Like saying no to much of it?

Poshtottykins · 03/08/2017 20:41

Of course they look forward to it if you are the entertainment and domestic help ! So basically it's no holiday for you and your husband values your time and happiness less than he does upsetting his parents !

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2017 20:42

Absolutely not unreasonable. What's his deal?! They're his parents if he's not going to be there then they don't need to be there.

Also, stop being the host/caterer/entertainer when you see them.

He's a big capable man. He can change beds, cook, chat as well as you can. Time to step back.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/08/2017 20:43

I love my PIL but could not cope with going on holiday with them every year and they aren't anywhere near as irritating as your's sound. I especially couldn't cope without my DP there to placate them whilst I have some alone time.

Your DH needs to step up here.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/08/2017 20:44

Why do you do the domestic work and entertaining during your holiday?

Stop doing it and they may decide holidaying without you dancing attendance with them is not fun.

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:53

I am afraid the option of leaving DC with them isn't an option. PIL too infirm to cope with 4 DC. Also it's our holiday. Wouldn't want to leave it.

Also fuzzy it is more that I am expected to come up with ideas for entertaining everybody which are compatible with their demands (car drive & cafe for example) and ours (long walk, swim in sea to exhaust children) on top of cooking for them. (MIL fussy eater).

Real prob is I really cannot stand them and especially on holiday in a place which my family have been coming to for years so it feels rather violated if that makes sense. Deal was that DH would be around to deal with them and I would get on with my work/ go for walks on my own etc. That's not gonna happen now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:55

They stay in a pub nearby so I don't have to make beds etc. But they turn up every morning without fail when we are all still in our PJ's

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 03/08/2017 20:57

I would get on with my work/ go for walks on my own etc. That's not gonna happen now.

Well, it can. You need to tell your husband to tell his parents that you will be working most days and as he won't be going - neither will they.

SometimesMaybe · 03/08/2017 20:58

Too late to cancel for this year but I feel your pain. We have a similar issue (but my parents). We have a holiday as a family in the summer and the another break (cheaper , not abroad) with them at Easter 🐣 or October so I don't feel that we are loosing our family time. Everyone wins.

wordy17 · 03/08/2017 20:58

YANBU

youarenotkiddingme · 03/08/2017 20:59

Just be doing your work when they turn up and ask them nicely in faux shock "didn't DH tell you that o also have to work like he does? I'm afraid we are t doing anything else today"

M2R2 · 03/08/2017 21:01

I am probably mean to say so but why not make it their worse holiday so they would think twice before joining next time.
Example:
We will go to the cafe after the swim or walk.
Then after that will be too late for a drive and won't happen.
As for food do what you and your kids like if mil doesn't like it she can have a takeaway.
Btw i love my in laws and we get along really well but I wouldn't want them in my family holiday every year. I would accept a one off but not on a yearly basis.

ALittleMop · 03/08/2017 21:02

YANBU
Tell DH he jibs the work or jibs his parents
End of
You've your work cut out looking after your kids for a week whilst working in the early mornings without taking on the care of elderly parents. They can come for the weekend when he is around.

Bluesrunthegame · 03/08/2017 21:02

Could you ask them to turn up later? Give them a specific time? Or sneakily go out much earlier so they miss you? These options might not be good ideas.

Maybe you could be firm about what you are going to do and tell them you are spending the next day walking and swimming because you want to have a day with no driving. Also stop cooking for them, or cook for them less. You could mention that holidays are meant to be for you as well and cooking for more people than usual makes yours less enjoyable.

It sounds like they have no idea they are spoiling your holiday or being selfish. You don't need to say this, just gently and firmly reclaim some pleasure and relaxation for yourself.

GreenTulips · 03/08/2017 21:02

Why do men think this is OK? Would you foist your parents on him? NO!

WinnieWonders · 03/08/2017 21:03

Oh God you have got to get out of it.
We went on holiday with MIL once and never again. She tries to take over, has different ideas about how money is spent, insults me when DH is not listening, etc.
She also has a habit of inviting herself along to holidays as we often go on holiday not far from where she lives. I tell my DH to tell her that we really need family time alone together. Sometimes we pretend that my mother has already asked if she can come, and we said no, so it would be unfair for her to now come.

He needs to tell her that the plans for that third week have changed. Lie if you have to. Tell her you are no longer staying the third week, or going somewhere different that week, or that you have made plans that make it difficult - you are having a friend to visit, etc. Whatever.

If she's going to stress you out and take the fun out of the holiday, find a way to ensure they do not come.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 03/08/2017 21:04

Just tell them the week is cancelled as Dh and you have to work. They don't have to know you are actually staying. I would actually do it yourself as it sounds like Dh would probably just invite them the weekend earlier if he was left to do it.

Hulder · 03/08/2017 21:07

Either a) he tells them he won't be there and you have to work so it's no holiday and they can't come.

Or b) you stop catering to them. DH is not there, you are working and they have to fit in. They turn up - you work. You then go out for a long walk/swim and come back too tired to go out to naice cafe. Dinner is something they don't like much - they have option of pub.

EveEve13 · 03/08/2017 21:10

Be honest. Tell them they cannot come over before 9am or 10 am or whatever. Start a new tradition where every family chooses one activity for a day - you write it in a whiteboard and that is the focus. Same with meals - say it is get your own.

Just grow some assertiveness so you and your kids do what you want and they chose to join in or not.. given that you don't want them to holiday with you again, then no harm in really doing what you want

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