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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to want him to tell MIL to go home

215 replies

Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:32

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 04/08/2017 09:11

Make your DH tell them he will be dropping them home when he goes, as it is the not possible for you to cope with the children and adults on your own, type it on his phone if you have to but tell him if he leave without his parents you will be going home with him as well.
Even if it means you pack up and drive off only to turn round and drive back later.

Bizzyashell · 04/08/2017 09:15

Let them know that since they are coming this frees you to work every pm whilst they spend quality time with DC. Win-win - lie in for you and childcare while you work. Also allow them to pitch in with the chores - ask, they are unlikely to refuse and if they do then do likewise and eat out.

waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 09:15

Yep this ^^ totally just tell your dh they can't come as this year it's just him you and the kids.

End of.

If they turn up to stop at the hotel and knock on your door tell them what you are doing with the kids and just please yourselves.

We family holiday with kids partners and grand kids and it's fine because it's a base for us all and then we all do what each couple choosss.

Holidays are too precious to be spoilt. Just say NO!

waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 09:18

Op has already said she can't leave the kids with them as they are infirm.

Why are posters giving her a hard time? My parents have health issues and altzimers and are infirm and I spend hours caring for them and my grandchildren so need a holiday away to relax as surely the op does too.

juneau · 04/08/2017 09:20

No, YANBU OP, but I don't see a solution. It's too late to cancel for this year, as we're talking about something happening in three weeks' time. Not only that, but it's an annual arrangement that has stood for 10 years, so the time for putting your foot down with regard to them joining you for the third week has long gone. It is always better to avoid these kind of things that happen every year, because an expectation is quickly established that it will continue indefinitely. Do it once or twice, but then you have to say 'No' on the third time or you'll be stuck with it forever more - as you now are.

As to how you can make some changes - I agree that you should put your foot down with regard to catering. You're not everyone's skivvy and this is your bloody holiday. No wonder your PILs love coming - they get a week of being ferried around and catered for - but fuck that. If you're sick of running around after everyone then your spineless DH should tell his parents 'This is Res's holiday - she can't be expected to serve up hot meals for 8 every day and she's not ferrying everyone around either'. If changes are going to be made then he has to be the one to announce them and he should do it NOW.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 04/08/2017 09:21

You can tell them how it's going to be without being rude. If your dcs hear you being rude they'll think it's ok too.

I can't believe you won't put your foot down? No way would I put up with this.

CockacidalManiac · 04/08/2017 09:21

I really can't believe that the OP is getting a hard time from some here; it's the usual projecting from some posters, I suspect.

prettybird · 04/08/2017 09:34

You don't need to be rude per se: you just need to say a) please don't arrive before "x" time (and if they do, don't rush to get dressed, just do what you were doing having a lie in and relaxing ). If they judge you, that's their problem. It's your holiday

b) don't factor them into your plans for the day. This is your children's holiday too. If they want to tag along, then that's up to them.

c) Prepare what food you and your children want to eat. If your MIL is that fussy, she can either prepare it herself for everyone or go back to the pub to eat.

You can't stop them coming at this late stage but you can make them see and experience that this is your family's holiday. If they don't like it, they don't need to come or they can go off and do things on their own.

If they genuinely loved wanted to spend time with their grandchildren, they'd want them to be happy doing things they enjoy.

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 09:39

no projecting here. just think it is all a bit odd and selfish.

Helendee · 04/08/2017 09:41

No projecting here either, just not understanding why it seems the norm to be so horrible to ILs!

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 04/08/2017 09:44

It's not a situation that will resolve itself in the short term. I will do my best to set boundaries i.e. Don't turn up till x etc but historically they ignore pretty much all this sort of thing because...because they have zero social skills.

MIL is racist, homophobic misogynist and bossy. She believes women shouldn't work but cook, clean and serve 'the men'. I dislike her intensely. My rudeness usually manifests itself by me disagreeing with her rather than anything else.

Anyway thanks for all the suggestions.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 04/08/2017 09:46

just not understanding why it seems the norm to be so horrible to ILs!

Interesting point - do you turn up on holiday and expect 1 person out of 7/8 people to do all the work? Or do you pitch in and help? I'd certainly help a parent with 4 kids - entertain them or take them out - cook a meal buy a take out - tidy round -
I'd never expect waitress service on to be catered for - I'd pitch in

But then I'd never even consider DH doing everything on holiday with my kids and my parents while I went home!!!

She not being mean - she doesn't want the extra work on holiday

itshappening · 04/08/2017 09:51

You haven't really spelled out why they are bad people OP. Annoying to you, yes, but that does not mean they should be treated badly. Just going from what you have said here, I think you are being selfish and unreasonable. They are your DH's parents and precious grandparents to your DC. They deserve to be able to spend time with their grandchildren and hosting them during days only for one week seems not too big an ask. I think it is quite offensive that you find their physical limitations so inconvenient. Perhaps you should be a bit more thoughtful and empathetic on that front.

They need to meet you halfway on this and be prepared to perhaps arrive a little later or spend a bit of time relaxing while you take the kids out for an hour or so. But you can stil build in quality time for them. Since they don't seem good at taking the hint, you or more your DH will have to be assertive. Also don't make a rod for your own back thinking you have to plan entertainments or big meals. It is much more important to be caring and welcoming than to do all that.

itshappening · 04/08/2017 09:53

Cross post, they do sound difficult, but I still think try to rise above it for the kids and try to pressure them to make more effort to be reasonable and aware for the kids too.

ollieplimsoles · 04/08/2017 09:56

I think your dh sounds awful op, why would he put you in this situation?

Inertia · 04/08/2017 10:00

If you want anything to change, you're going to have to do it. You could always call them and say that the third week of the holiday is cancelled, but they are welcome to stay in a b and b near your house. Dh would then have to entertain them when not working.

Or tell PIL in advance that you're on your own with the children and work to do, so won't be able to cater for them or take them on days out, so best to rearrange a different visit for a time when Dh is around.

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 10:04

I noticed the bit about then being infirm too. it makes it all the nastier. they might not be ABLE to "pitch in" .
I agree . Hating your PIL seems to be socially acceptable and normalised. Not the case in other parts of the world (thank god)

BarbarianMum · 04/08/2017 10:05
waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 10:08

i don't see why it's the norm to be horrible to inlaws

It's not! I am a mil and have dils and we all get on perfectly well because we support each other,love each other and respect each other's boundaries and feelings.

It's really not hard.

I wouldn't dream of inviting myself anywhere or expented to be waited on.

Being infirm shouldn't make you unpleasant and rude.

Fishface77 · 04/08/2017 10:11

But op if they turn up when you've asked them not to, dont open the door!
Shout out the window that they can come back at an appropriate time.
Or Be out when they get there.
If you don't answer they can't come in!

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 10:11

but . they are just going on a holiday with them! for SOME of the time!! they even stay in a different place!

bloody hell. they are family FGS.

waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 10:12

Lot of projecting here.

Can we stop the bollocks of British women being nasty to inlaws where other parts of the world it's so different!!

What you mean is in other parts of the world women are expected to suck it up even if inlaws are vile.

Again infirm doesn't make you unpleasant. Two very different things

waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 10:14

My parents are infirm and perfectly pleasent. My inlaws were infirm and lovely.

The ops are unpleasant so why would she want to spend precious holiday time with them.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2017 10:16

bloody hell. they are family FGS.

And some family are nice and some are not.

Some are a pleasure to be with and some are not.

You can choose your friends...

PhuntSox · 04/08/2017 10:21

If there is no solution and it comes to the worst could you get up and out really really early? Next day stay hidden in bed with a note on the door saying you are out? Could you make them a cup of tea then breazily march out for a walk and not return until tea time? I hope they dont come this year. What would happen if you phone them and say DH has to work so I have cancelled your booking?