..to want him to tell MIL to go home

[Resurgam2016]

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

OP, there is absolutely NO WAY to achieve that. Someone is going to be upset and disappointed. So far it's been you. Unless you can change your DHs priorities, it will continue to be you. Can you live with that?

Ok. So we accept that he will upset them. What does he say that isn't really upsetting?

I'm honestly asking for suggestions because I just don't know. It's telling people they are not welcome (which is true) but I really don't want them to hate him or me for ever more.

Ok. So we accept that he will upset them. What does he say that isn't really upsetting?

Maybe try the shit sandwich technique - wrap the bad news - we don't want you to come on holiday with us - between two pieces of good news.
Decide what you are prepared to offer - visiting them or them visiting you for a weekend / Christmas / lunch or meeting at a nice venue for a day trip - it doesn't matter.

So, " the kids really look forward to seeing you at X- event, it will be such fun. ## now they're getting older we really need to have more active vacations, just pottering around doesn't work for us these days, we were thinking our next holiday should be a biking / climbing / hiking trip, so it obviously won't work for you to join us for our summer holidays in future ## we will all have such a great time at X-event though, the kids can't wait"

That the children are older and want to do more activities, and this wouldn't be compatible with what his parents want to do.

Is there any way in future you could keep your holiday dates confidential so that the PIL don't know when you will be at the holiday home, and so won't be able to join you? Be really vague about dates if they ask you, say DH's job means he has to work at short notice sometimes?

Jenny's suggestion is good. If they are as thick skinned as you say, they won't necessarily hear that you don't want them there, only that they would find joining in with the super active days you have planned difficult. But the trade off is that you will need to offer other opportunities to see and be with the DGC, if they can't join your holiday in future.

Just tell them that now the children are older they want more activity, and you will be spending most days out, so you won't be able to cater for them and perhaps they should sort out their own activities and entertainment. You might be able to pop in to see them where they're staying, with the children, one day, but most of the days are full on and very busy.

You think that this is likely to be so for most future holidays there, but you're sure that you can all arrange to spend time together when dh is not working, at other times of the year.

I feel your pain OP - have you thought of telling ILs (often if necessary) how much you are looking forward to having the kids all to yourself for a whole week in your childhood holiday place. How you're excited about being about to share some of your memories with the kids and do (things they will hate). Ask what they are going to be doing that week. They may have booked their accommodation - but at least they can do their own thing and you can do yours....

you'll just have to learn to keep coming up with 'unavoidable' scenarios...or learn to be more assertive.

Arrange to see them when it works for your family unit.
How do you deal with clingy/needy/difficult people in other areas of your life?

Where do they live OP? If they live close to you and you see them regularly, I don't see why they would want to come on holiday with you. However, if you see them infrequently because of distance and their age/infirmity/inability to drive, then it is understandable that your DH and DC would want them to come on holiday for a week. How old are your DC?

What do they like do apart from going to cafes. Could you all go to a cafe or pizza place a couple of times, so there is something you can all do together, and it saves on the cooking and washing up? Could the DC go to the cafe for a couple of hours whilst you have a nice walk by yourself? Could the DC go for a meal at the pub and spend a half day with them, whilst you have time off?

I am unclear whether you want to put a stop to this and any future holidays because you - rightly - feel put upon at having to cater for so many people, or whether you simply can't stand your PIL at all. If it's the former, then you should be able to change the dynamic by changing the way things are done this year. If you just simply don't like them, I feel that you should be polite, for your DH and DC's benefit, but try to minimise time with them.

I note that both you and DH are self employed and that the holiday home belongs to family. That being so, could you not simply re-arrange the final week to a different week in the year; that way there is another holiday to look forward to, and hopefully your PIL won't have paid for their hotel. That might well be the best solution, as I expect they do realise that you aren't keen on them, so it is probably easier all round if DH joins the holiday. I expect they also want to spend time with their son, as it sounds as though they have a close and loving relationship with him.

Good luck!

If you're determined that you won't say anything to them, then I would try to at least put down some boundaries.

Explain that as you are on your own with the DCs and trying to do some work during the day, you do not have time to prepare evening meals. You plan to have your main meal out at lunch time, and then a snack in the evening. Completely natural thing to do - your DCs will likely be very happy with this - and means much less work for you.

Likely if ILs are traditional types, this will not suit them at all and MIL will be driven crazy by a MAN not getting meat and potatoes for his dinner. But she can't really argue with it as it totally makes sense.

In the mornings if they arrive before 9am, I'd make a special point of still being in my night attire with dishes strewn round the kitchen and living room. Bonus points if the DCs are still in their pjs. I'd welcome them in and point them to the living room, tell them to make themselves at home and get a coffee if they want one and then have a nice relaxing bath upstairs and take your time getting ready.

Or - if you have work to do, then you tell them when you're doing that and either they stay downstairs and entertain the DCs or they come round after that.

Regarding the holiday situation, is it possible to offer them an alternative?
It sounds like this destination has special resonance for you and also that ILs have got into a habit of tagging on. Also - to be fair - the original plan was for 3 weeks, 2 of which were with DH and one with the ILs - that doesn't actually sound so bad. Particularly when they are not actually staying in the same accommodation as you .

But maybe offering somewhere else may break the expectation that they can tag along.

It's them coming in the last week of the holiday that makes it worse too. If they came in the first week, you could grit your teeth for that knowing you would be able to relax afterwards. Is there no possibility of shifting them to one of the other two weeks, at all? This has been asked but I don't think it's been answered.

Butterymuffin - I think up-thread the OP said she didn't want them coming on first week as she isn't working and wants an enjoyable week with DCs and then second week is the only week they will now be all together so doesn't work for her either.

I feel for you, I really do.
I doubt your DP will be able to stop them coming.
I think that your only way forward is to do exactly what you wanted/planned to do when you thought DP would be there to deal with them - he's not going to be, but that is Not Your Problem.
They want to come, let them do what they want to - you do what you want to. IF what they want is to be with the DC, then they'll have to step outside their comfort zone OR accept that their time with them will be reduced to the times that you are available, having run the DC off their feet during the day.
Do not cater for them. Cater as you would normally, for yourself and your DC. Explain that you don't have the time or resources to deal with fussy eating and if MIL can't have what you're doing then she'll have to do it herself or eat elsewhere.

You've already said that they're blunt, insensitive and bigoted with rhino-skins, so just be completely plain-talking with them and they can just deal with it. Or not. But that, again, is not your problem - it's theirs.

Good advice thumb. Thanks.

I genuinely don't understand the angst on this thread. Just tell them that you want to spend some quality time with your dcs on your own. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to do that. It doesn't have to be about excluding them, just focus on your relationship with you dcs.

Or book somewhere else for that week.