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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to want him to tell MIL to go home

215 replies

Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:32

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 03/08/2017 21:11

OMG how can you call that a holiday??! When we go away, we have a rule of one cooks, everyone else tidies up. We all clear up our own muddle so that no one person gets it all, and one meal is cooked - if it's not acceptable, there is no drama and you cook something yourself. They are joining your holiday, not a SAGA trip and they either do what you are doing or they sort themselves out. You've been too nice for your own good. Family time is lovely, but it's not fair for it to land on one persons shoulders.

Foxglovesandsweetpeas · 03/08/2017 21:15

I know exactly how you feel. When my in laws are due to come and stay it puts me in a bad mood for weeks in advance. It also makes me very grumpy with my husband. Luckily my teenage children find my MILs fussiness really annoying too so I no longer feel so isolated. Full sympathy to you.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/08/2017 21:18

I second M2R2 with bells on.

Do what you want and they can join in or do their own thing.

And why on earth do you have to cater for your fussy mil? Can she not cook? Can her DS not cater for her? What would happen if you were not available or inclined to cater to her culinary needs?

I wouldn't do it. You can be perfectly pleasant and do what you want and refuse to play skivvy to her.

She can't make you cook for her or take her for a drive. If it's so important she can do it to for herself or your sh can or your FIL can. Why are you the only person out of four adults capable of doing anything?

You've got your DC and job to keep you occupied. That's more than enough for one person to manage.

gillybeanz · 03/08/2017 21:19

We had one holiday with ils joining us, never again.
You need to talk to your dh and tell him to man up and tell his parents.
If he still wants them to come then he cancels his work, simples .

counterpoint · 03/08/2017 21:19

But it might benefit your children to have grandparents around.

ecuse · 03/08/2017 21:20

Just have two weeks and tell them the holiday's off, all come home together. I know that cuts your holiday short by a week but it sounds like you won't enjoy the third week anyway.

Maelstrop · 03/08/2017 21:21

Jesus, aren't you allowed a family holiday with just your own family? It's up to your DH to tell them, but I really think you need to tell them no.

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 21:21

Foxgloves thank you. I think I am permanently unreasonable about PIL but they have such thick skins no matter how rude I am they keep on coming back for more. They want to be with DC but actually DC want and need to be out running around and doing things. A lot. This causes tension too. I am dreading it without having DH to moan to about it all.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 03/08/2017 21:23

I am dreading it

So put your foot down. Sheesh.

ecuse · 03/08/2017 21:24

Like, I know you are well within your rights to uninvited them but they're family, your children's grandparents. By the sound of it they won't be around for long anyway. And whilst you're perfectly entitled to tell them to bog off it will likely upset and/or hurt them and make it very obvious you don't want them around. And if you can white-lie your way out of it by cutting holiday short, it might be a kinder way. Better yet if you can get away with saying that's what you're doing and secretly staying anyway, but if you were me your ILs would catch you out by skyping home for a chat or something Grin

underneaththeash · 03/08/2017 21:29

Just all come home....you have three weeks away anyway, which will only be cut down to 2...your DH can just tell them he needs to go home to work.

Tess123 · 03/08/2017 21:31

It would be very rude to ask them to leave with him. Really, it would.

However, I would let them know you are all cutting the holiday short this year, so as to go home together. They are very unlikely to only want to come for a day or two, then leave. You can then change your mind, 'at the last minute' and stay on after he's gone back to work. By then, they're still at home. Win win.

rookiemere · 03/08/2017 21:31

I'd present it as a fait accompli. Presumably one of the major reasons they come is so they can see their DS and DGC, therefore if DH not coming- no reason for them to do so.

Can your DH come the previous week instead and the ILs could come that week too?

Tofutti · 03/08/2017 21:32

YANBU. Stop being their maid!

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 03/08/2017 21:33

YANBU.

YouRat · 03/08/2017 21:45

I agree with GreenTulips.
Also maybe Tell DH to tell IL not to come this year. If its an annual thing im sure missing this year out wont be an issue.

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 21:59

Every year DH agrees to tell them not to come. Every year they make it so difficult that he bottles it and they come. This year it was on the promise that he would deal with them. DC love them very much. I do not Confused

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 03/08/2017 22:02

Tell your DH he tells them or he has to stay and cater for their every whim until they leave. He can't leave if they're there, end of.

Make him do the heavy lifting of catering and entertaining ... it's YOUR holiday, and being the maid for his parents is not a holiday.

Honestly, he needs to put on his big boy pants and tell them what is and isn't acceptable, and coming on your family holiday isn't acceptable without an invitation - they don't have one, so they shouldn't be coming.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/08/2017 22:04

Stand your ground, this year he has to man up.
You have enough on your plate, without the added stress.
Nip this in the bud OP, tell him it isn't a debatable issue.

llangennith · 03/08/2017 22:45

I'm a MIL and I suspect they have no idea how stressful and annoying you find all this. I bet your DH keeps telling them how much you all look forward to the family holiday.
You need to absolutely put your foot down and make him man up and tell his parents that this year you'd like the holiday to yourselves, especially as he won't be around for some of the time. Do it now OP or you'll be putting up with this for years and years.

justkeepswimmingg · 03/08/2017 22:47

Don't know how you put up with it OP, I'd never go on holiday with my ILs.
YANBU, your DH needs to respect your feelings on the matter and put his foot down with his parents.

My ILs don't seem to think that we can do anything remotely 'fun' without them. I have to tell DH not to tell his parents if we are having a day out (beach, farm, etc), otherwise they invite themselves. It makes the day unbearable, and stressful. If they find out that we've been out, and not invited them, then they're generally upset and miserable for weeks. Sad thing is they have no interest in our DS, it's all for 'show'. I think MIL is more concerned with spending time with my DH (which is fine - but I'd rather her not cut into our very rare family days out to do so).

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 03/08/2017 22:50

Tell them yourself that plans have changed, your DH won't be there and you want some time to yourself with your children so you cannot accommodate them. Tough if they don't like it. I wouldn't be doing anything for other people on my holiday!

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 22:51

I think they think we like having them. How or why they do is beyond me. They've been inviting themselves for 10 years and every year I say not this year. Every year they end up coming. I do have a DH problem but how do you tell your own parents you don't want them? Luckily for me I really like mine plus they respect my space so I've never had to do this. Weirdly DP loves his and doesn't want to hurt them.

OP posts:
ALittleMop · 03/08/2017 22:54

Tell your DH straight, as he's plainly not hearing you
Having his parents there with him turns it into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise. Without him, nightmare.
Is that what he wants for you?
Either he tells them or you do.
Or he jibs the work. It's only money.

Helendee · 03/08/2017 22:59

You think it's weird that your husband loves his parents and doesn't want to hurt them?

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