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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to want him to tell MIL to go home

215 replies

Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:32

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

OP posts:
cluelessnewmum · 03/08/2017 23:01

I do find other people's families hard to understand sometimes ... I'm fortunate to be close to my parents and get on well with my in laws but I can't imagine either of them forcing themselves on us on holiday year after year. I just don't know your in laws are actually saying to make it so difficult to stop them from coming on holiday with you.

There are only two options really.

Either just lie and say the third week is off as you dh now has to work and you can't manage another week with 4dc on your own when you have to work too (hardly unreasonable).

Or they come but make it clear that you have to work AND you have sole responsibility for 4dc so you are unable to cook for them and days will consist of xyz (whatever you would to with your dc if they're not there).

If they decide to come on those terms they will have to sort themselves out for food (which presumably they do every day of the year when not on holiday with you) and fit in with you and your children's holiday not the other way round. If you stand your ground on this then maybe future holidays with them won't be so bad.

Cloudyapples · 03/08/2017 23:03

Is it just the third week he won't be there? Is he still joining you for the second week? If so can't they change their week to the second week and then you get the third week just you and dc to recover from their visit?

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 23:07

Halende. No of course not. Sarcasm. However it beats me how anyone can love them he obviously does.

And them coming earlier is not an option. I have negotiated a week of no work at all and even if DH isn't there I am determined to enjoy that incredibly rare time without them around.

OP posts:
Helendee · 03/08/2017 23:10

So you're still saying that you don't get why he loves them? Are they really that bad?

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 23:13

Yes

OP posts:
TheweewitchRoz · 03/08/2017 23:13

YANBU - if he's not there, then he needs to tell them to leave.

HateIsNotGood · 03/08/2017 23:14

Just stick to what you would do if DH wasn't there. Do what you would normally do. Explain if you need that you are on hols with 4 DC and can't be entertaining any extras but if they can pitch in and help well great - you did say DC love them. So, go with that. If it goes 'tits up leave it to DH to mop up.

Brighteyes27 · 03/08/2017 23:15

I feel your pain OP my MIL invited herself to us for 12 days at Easter. It wasn't as bad as I thought as their were some nice moments but it was still blooming hard work the tension between trying to amuse, occupy and tire out the DC whilst also factor in amusing considering my MIL who can't walk far likes a nice cafe and old women's shoe and clothes shops. It's ok a couple of days but beyond this it's completely wearying with nobody happy. She was tired, they were bored and weren't tired enough and I just felt like a worn out party leader (and not a very good one) and piggy in the middle who couldn't wait to open the wine. Also DC's were getting up early and I was trying to get on quietly and get organized whilst keeping them quiet whilst waiting around as she likes to read in bed when she first wakes up!!
Personally I would settle on cutting their visit down to two or three days only out of the three weeks which must coincide with when your DH is there. As this time the rest of you will be doing some much energetic things like wake boarding, sailing, hill walking, beach combing, surfing and the children want to have some of their friends families over to visit as well or something etc.

Butterymuffin · 03/08/2017 23:20

I thought of the same idea as Cloudyapples about switching them to the second week. Don't get why that wouldn't work? You'd still get a week free of the extra effort they cause at the end.

TheSparrowhawk · 03/08/2017 23:21

Eh...he can't just fuck off to work and leave you on your own with his parents. Would you do that to him?? Would any woman do that to her husband?

PickAChew · 03/08/2017 23:21

Not at all unreasonable.

And you need to get into the habit of not sharing holiday plans with them.

Ceto · 03/08/2017 23:25

Is there any chance at all of telling them that if they come, it is on the basis that they are eating in the pub and you are not cooking for them, nor are you responsible for entertaining them in any way? If your husband doesn't feel able to tell them, can you?

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2017 23:31

I can't believe you have done this for years!

Jux · 03/08/2017 23:36

Yes, they can change to the week your d is there, andyou can go back to long walks etc when they've gone. DH can tell th that as he wants to see them and that's his only chance, and as you have to work, the following week is no longer on offer. That makes it ea for him.

And while they're there, you can all talk a little bit about how in future it'll probably be only for a few days next year, but that dh'll make more effort to bring the children to visit to make it up to them.

Headofthehive55 · 03/08/2017 23:40

Will do tea tonight, mil would you do tea tomorrow?

Now, we are just off for a swim / walk, would you like to come or shall we meet back at five o'clock?

If she says oh but i don't want to swim, you say oh ok, brightly, well I don't fancy a drive / cafe...so I'll see you back here for tea.

Yvetteballs · 03/08/2017 23:42

Can you imagine if your parents irritated him but but they wanted to go on holiday with him. He wouldn't tolerate it.
And imagine if this holiday went ahead and you had to work leaving him for a few days with your parents and the children. I bet you you can't imagine it because he would t dream of doing it.

SouthWindsWesterly · 03/08/2017 23:44

10 years!

Nope - am afraid you'll have to do it as he won't. This is your only family holiday. He's working, you're not. It cannot happen this year - you need space with your kids

Donttouchthethings · 03/08/2017 23:53

Seeing as it sounds like you can't rely on your dh handling this, I think you might need to. Can you text them? If so, I would send a nice, short msg along the lines of:

"Sorry to write we're going to have to cancel the holiday this year as dh has to work. We will have to sort out something else as an alternative later in the year."

If all else fails, cancel your booking and go somewhere else that week.

Donttouchthethings · 03/08/2017 23:54

Jta, the alternative something can be dh going to see them on his own - no need to specify at this stage.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 03/08/2017 23:58

How picky is the mil? Foodwise.

Pallisers · 03/08/2017 23:58

Just tell them the week is cancelled as Dh and you have to work. They don't have to know you are actually staying. I would actually do it yourself as it sounds like Dh would probably just invite them the weekend earlier if he was left to do it.

Do this. Tell them the third week is cancelled and so you'd love them to come to lunch on August 15 (or whatever) instead.

Seeing as it sounds like you can't rely on your dh handling this, I think you might need to. Can you text them? If so, I would send a nice, short msg along the lines of:

"Sorry to write we're going to have to cancel the holiday this year as dh has to work. We will have to sort out something else as an alternative later in the year."

If all else fails, cancel your booking and go somewhere else that week.

Or this.

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 01:49

so hold on.....
you are going on a THREE WEEK holiday and your inlaws want to be there for the last week of those 3. Originally your husband was going to be there also but no he won´t and so you think that he should tell them they can´t come.

You sound horrible.

Can´t you just deal with it for a third of your holiday to avoid causing massive hurt to your inlaws, putting your husband in a terribly awkward position and potentially upsetting the children too who are no doubt looking forward to when grandma and grandad come on holiday with them?

Ok you have to cook and entertain them a bit. So what. Unless I´m missing something huge it would be appalling behaviour to tell them their holiday is cancelled because your husband has to work. I can´t understand why so many people are suggesting it would be in any way ok to "uninvite" them Hmm

IneedaMagnum · 04/08/2017 02:05

^ looks like your MIL found this thread OP.

crunched · 04/08/2017 02:26

My MIL is a sweet lady but I still find her excruciatingly tiresome when I am with her for more than a day, my problem I guess.
Since she has been widowed, 7 years, she comes away with us for a short break each year. Following the first disastrous time, I write a time table of what we are doing/where we are eating etc.and give it to her in advance and say "highlight the things you fancy joining us for". She was a bit Shock the first time ,so I explained that was how I handled events at work and I found it meant no one was going along with things just to please others.With your PIL sleeping in the pub, and there being two of them,they will find it even easier to entertain themselves.
I believe my MIL quite enjoys a chance to read the paper/ have a snooze/eat a cheese sarnie etc. and a break from noisy teens.

Maybe it is too late for you to start this now though ...

MistressDeeCee · 04/08/2017 02:28

I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me

Instantly put me in mind of a family visit to Caribbean to visit my paternal grandparents. We were there for 6 weeks and my mum was so very miserable. Having to cater for her PILs food and entertainment whilst my dad fucked off to visit long lost friends and relatives at other end of island, once for a week

I was 20 and it really made me understand the shit women are expected to put up with simply by being the woman and wife.

You will have to tell your DH its not on. HOnestly.

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