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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to want him to tell MIL to go home

215 replies

Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:32

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 04/08/2017 10:28

Sexist bollocks. The 'be nice to your inlaws' crowd don't expect men to start cooking and cleaning for their 'new family', why the hell should women do it.

Having said that op, looks like you're stuck with it. The time for making your dh step up has long gone.

I told my dp right at the start that although I liked his mum, I wasn't willing to visit her if it meant him watching sport and me keeping the conversation going. He understood and we've been fine ever since.

Clearly your dh thinks entertaining his folks is your job, and you haven't told him otherwise.

millymae · 04/08/2017 10:32

I don't think OP is being unreasonable but feel that as the PILs joining them on her family holiday has become custom and practice she will just have to put up with it this year. The fact that DH won't be there for some of the time would be the perfect opportunity for him to remind his parents that it's OPs holiday too, that she has her own work to fit in as well as looking after the DCs, and that they shouldn't expect her to have to cater and entertain them all of the time. Surely he can manage to say that to them and if he can't, then I can't see why OP can't speak nicely to them herself.
,
I'd like to think that once reminded the PILs will realise that they are not being entirely fair. I've been very lucky in that both my parents and in-laws are conscious of the fact that we have our own life to lead and don't expect to be pandered to all of the time. It may well be that OPs in laws are the same but feel that as their sons holiday is a long one and they are not there for the whole time, there is nothing wrong with their expectaction that they are catered for and entertained.

mummmy2017 · 04/08/2017 10:33

Just had great idea book them onto a coach trip mid week, as a TREAT, that way they will have a day out and you a day off.

One day have an early appointment, so tell them not to come before 11 as you won't be home.

Offer to pick them up one day for lunch, and drop them back afterwards.

waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 10:36

Morris agreed.

For me my dhs family are mine as mine are to him but that's simply because we are all reasonable people who respect each other and don't expect anyone to wait on anyone.

When my inlaws became terminally ill we all pitched in to help as we loved them because they were lovely.

Hate hate this bollocks of 'other cultures treat their old folk differently' what they mean is some poor woman is having the suck it up and do all the work whatever the inlaws are like.

EmotionalTeaspoon · 04/08/2017 10:40

I love my mum. We have a great relationship. I get on really well with in-laws too. Same goes for DH. Kids adore their grandparents and we all love each other.

Never have either set of parents invited themselves on holiday with us. If they did, we'd tell them we needed some time just us and that would be fine. Tell Dh wanting to spend precious holiday time relaxing just a couple and their kids doesn't mean you're being unkind, or that he doesn't love his parents. That's NORMAL. Older parents gatecrashing every single family holiday is what's unusual and downright ignorant on the part of the parents for not letting you enjoy your time together as a family.

Minkyfluffster · 04/08/2017 10:41

On this occasion I suggest that DH takes them home with him, just say that the holiday needs to be curtailed due to his work and you are following next day, then just stay on and if questioned say it was spur of the moment to stay longer.

I fear that for this trip its too late to cancel them all together but next year change plans, maybe change location and make it unsuitable that they join you?

BarbarianMum · 04/08/2017 10:44
nachogazpacho · 04/08/2017 10:49

If they are thick skinned you'll have to take the bull by the horns and deal with it yourself. What would happen if you rang up your mil and was honest? Could you tell her that your needs are incompatible? That you'll be getting up late, chilling out then going for long walks? Just be very clear what your plans are and that you are afraid it won't suit their needs.

If they still come then keep the door shut and let them knock. Then say you were all asleep or didn't hear them. I know it sounds rude but if you've told them not to come round before a certain time and they ignore then they will have to hang around and wait.

I think your only route is to be clear and honest with them. If they want to spend quality time with the children suggest they come to one of the tourist attractions with you.

Maelstrop · 04/08/2017 10:57

Completely feel your pain, OP. The mental and physical demands of looking after 7 others is ridiculous, it's no holiday for you.

I love a pp's idea of making a list and saying here is what we're doing-include the do not disturb til 10am for lie ins-then telling them you'll meet them back in the evening. We've done this on family holidays where one person wants to climb up over Coniston no the rest of us want to take the DC on the lake in a dinghy and eat ice cream/swim.

Make this the last year you have to take them with you. I don't think you're being horrible, I think you've had enough.

FanjoForTheMammaries · 04/08/2017 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingofsun · 04/08/2017 11:11

cant read whole thread so this may have already been said, but couldnt your husband tell his parents he wants to spend the week with them but has to work, so can they reschedule and he takes his parents and the kids away.....even if its only for a weekend. And you could work/chill at home.

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 13:04

Japanese culture also. my partner would never do this to my parents in a million years. he would 100% take care of them and cater to their every need. To do what is suggested here would be considered a disgrace and rightly so.

CockacidalManiac · 04/08/2017 13:28

Still plenty of prpjecting going on, I see.

CockacidalManiac · 04/08/2017 13:31

And as for all this 'you've got to put up with them being horrible, because they're elderly' bullshit...

waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 14:06

Why would anyone cater for anyone's every need unless the other person is a small child or old and poorly?

The inlaws are infirm not in a coma. Why should the op spend HER HOLiDAY cooking and cleaning for adults who are unpleasant????

BarbarianMum · 04/08/2017 14:22

Why would she clean for them if theyre staying at a B&B ? Confused

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 15:28

yeah OK......people tend to take care of older relatives out of respect and kindness and decency. it's really not that complicated a concept. and could someone explain how we are "projecting"? literally just saying we don't treat our in laws as an inconvenience because you know ....that's nasty.
I notice the DH in this situation doesn't really fancy telling his mum and dad they aren't allowed to be on the holiday unless he is because his wife couldn't possibly be expected to tolerate them for a WHOLE WEEK. I don't blame him. What an awkward thing to have to say!

MorrisZapp · 04/08/2017 15:31

It's not people though. It's women.

SuburbanRhonda · 04/08/2017 15:35

Why would she clean for them if theyre staying at a B&B?

Unless the inlaws clean up after all the meals the OP has to cook for them - this?

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 15:48

seriously .....stop with the "it's women" . I stated clearly that my male partner would do this for my parents without a second thought. My father does a lot of stuff for my maternal grandfather. It's not "women". It's people who are decent and see their partners family as their family.

CockacidalManiac · 04/08/2017 15:52

seriously .....stop with the "it's women" . I stated clearly that my male partner would do this for my parents without a second thought. My father does a lot of stuff for my maternal grandfather. It's not "women". It's people who are decent and see their partners family as their family.

Historically (and in the modern day), it's women who take on this responsibility. Unless you're extrapolating your personal experience to humanity as a whole?

GreenTulips · 04/08/2017 15:52

Decent men wouldn't leave their wives and kids and his parents to deal with it all.

I don't know any husband who would put up with it - so why should wives?

Motherofterriers · 04/08/2017 15:53

Hmmm...I think even if the OP thought her in-laws were the loveliest people ever, looking after 4 children and doing some work and running around after an elderly couple doesn't sound much of a holiday.
If OH isn't prepared to say that his parents shouldn't go, he should at very least explain to him that the OP will be solo parenting and therefore not free to run them around, cook for them etc as on previous holidays. And that the focus will have to be on keeping the kids happy and tired out enough to sleep well. If OH's absence means more ££, why not use some of that to eat out with the kids in the evening or get takeaways? Spend a bit on activities with them etc

Scaredycat3000 · 04/08/2017 17:08

OP you have my full sympathy. Been with OH 20 years. If I had my time again it wouldn't be with OH purely because of MIL, this year she broke me, by deciding on a free holiday for us, I'd never had a turn before, guessing anxiety attack? I can't even be bothered to explain so the nasty people on this thread can pull it apart, I mean when a clear loud NO is remembered as Yes, perfect there is no logic or sense. They'd say I was lying, just like the IL's do. Just remember your OH has had a lifetime of training from his parents, just like OH, that you don't say no to your parents. It's called FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Good luck, shit will hit the fan whatever you do, why not make it worth it and deal with things long term. There is a series of books 'toxic' and JustnoMIL on reddit where victim blaming isn't permitted.

waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 17:18

My male partner wouldn't expect me to cook and ferry around 2 other Adults who are 'unpleasent and fussy' on my holiday as well as 4 kids!

I wouldn't expect him to either.

Why holiday with unpleasenrt people?