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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to want him to tell MIL to go home

215 replies

Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:32

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 04/08/2017 17:26

OH knows it will be awful for me. However I think it is easier for him to upset me rather than them. I will (probably) forgive him.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 04/08/2017 17:30

Then that is your mistake OP. If it us easier for him to upset you than his mother, it us you that will get it every time. It us that you need to change!!

Scaredycat3000 · 04/08/2017 18:24

It's not easier to upset you rather than his parents, he's been trained to keep them happy above all else, he hasn't even considered anybody else, he's putting them above his own DC! My OH knows it's bad for at times, so he can apologise to me to soften me up and he can go ahead putting his parents first, she taught him that, manipulation. It must be lovely to have a partner who has been taught to show respect and understanding to all by their parents. It is very odd living with someone who assumes you are manipulative.

mickeysminnie · 04/08/2017 18:33

But that works both ways.
You ring you oil and tell them that as your husband won't be there it is no longer possible to see them for the holiday or lie and say you are cancelling the last week I f it makes it easier.
After all, it is easier for you to upset mil and he will (probably) forgive you!
If you decide to lie down and take it you cannot then be surprised that he keeps doing it!
Think about the fact that he would rather you have a shit week rather than have a conversation with his parents.

PhuntSox · 04/08/2017 18:44

Phone them and tell them plans ahve changes and they can no longer come as DH is working that week.

Scaredycat3000 · 04/08/2017 18:46

After all, it is easier for you to upset mil and he will (probably) forgive you!
That's not how it works as I said he's been trained to keep them happy above all else, that includes making sure that those around him don't upset them and comply. If the OP takes matters into her own hands she is now the problem IYSWIM.

mickeysminnie · 04/08/2017 18:49

So what would you suggest scaredycat?? That she just says "aw diddums it's not your fault of course I'll be a doormat for you!"
Duck that for a game of soldiers!!

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 04/08/2017 19:02

These threads always end up split between women raised that the job of a DiL is to host and care for her husband's family and suck up all the stress and inconvenience and however they treat her without a word or failing in politeness and self sacrifice because that's what a good wife/DIL does (My DM was one), and women raised to believe that the 1950s is over. The former isn't noble and morally superior.

You're entitled to a holiday too OP, you won't get one if you're facilitating, serving and caring for your ILs alone and unaided plus wrangling kids and trying to work too. It'll just be a tough, stressful week, you'll dread it and you'll resent it. I've just seen my very lovely SiL come back from a similar situation with wrangling demanding, difficult family on a 'lovely' group family holiday while partner worked; she's the smile through and put up with it type and she's come back in tears. It was a miserable time for her, and it was her one family holiday with her kids and partner and a decent break from work this year. That's not a woman's lot to suck up, it's an unspoken family decision that it's ok to put upon one member as the workhorse and treat them with less consideration than everyone else.

I think a pp's suggestion was the best one: book somewhere different, or take the kids somewhere else for that last week, and tell ILs plans have changed. Whatever you do someone will be upset - it should not by default have to be you.

LakieLady · 04/08/2017 19:21

Decency and respect doesn't come into it when dealing with people who are racist, homophobic and misogynist imo, and why should OP act as cook, chauffeur and entertainment manager for 2 people who can't respect others?

BarbarianMum · 04/08/2017 19:26

Then maybe her dh needs to turn down the work. Because you don't agree to someone holidaying with you then turn round a couple of weeks before and forbid them from coming.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 04/08/2017 19:43

If you're close family and you have plans, and then suddenly a much needed work opportunity comes up that changes things - surely you understand and support that work and income for your family instead of have a strop that you don't get your holiday exactly as expected?

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 04/08/2017 20:57

MissHaversham who is stropping? Me? Probably you are right. As I have said upthread I am sure it will go ahead and also that I will take on board some of the wise advice as to how to manage it.

Ultimately though I never wanted them to come, now or in the past. It's bloody awful. The fact that I'll be left dealing with it all just makes it more bloody awful than usual. I don't think that just because you love your husband you are obliged to love his family. And I do think that mine are worse than some.

So in conclusion I think IANBU to be mightily pissed off but IABU to ask them to not come because although they invited themselves they've planned to come.

It will be horrid though. 😢😢

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 04/08/2017 21:00

It's pretty crappy, OP. You deserve a decent holiday, and I'd be pissed off too.

Mum2jenny · 04/08/2017 21:04

Just get out with the kids before they turn up in the morning. After a few mornings, they may get the hint.

starfishmummy · 04/08/2017 21:22

My pips are the sort who always like to be part of a big group on holiday - be it wider family or on a coach trip with friends. D's childhood holidays were always with his aunt uncle and cousins.

For several years they used to come and join us for a while...staying in a hotel. Theyd never give us an arrival time and usually managed to forget their mobile phone...so I guess we could have managed to avoid them!

First thing they would say would be that they were going home earlier than originally stated (hooray) as fil.always put his voluntary work first. No problem to me, quite the opposite, except it would upset ds.

They haven't been for a few years although ds asks them. I'd like to think that myn"We go on holiday to get away from everyone" eventually sank in. But I think it's our choice of the same UK beach holiday destination - fils knees can't manage the steep cliff path any more

They don't come now.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 04/08/2017 21:37

If neither of you will tell them that plans have changed, then I would insist that dh turns down the work.

Yes he would lose ££, but the ££ you are spending on the holiday will be wasted if you are tense and stressed the whole time.

Maybe the prospect of turning down work will focus his mind on speaking to his parents.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 04/08/2017 21:53

Sorry OP, my post was in reply to Barbarian's that your ILs as close family should be able to understand and cope with a necessary change of plan when you and dh need him to accept work.

Definitely not accusing you of stropping!

HeebieJeebies456 · 04/08/2017 21:54

You sound like a martyr.....how much longer are you going to let everyone walk all over you?

in 10 yrs you've not had a holiday with just your dh and dc - and you just accept it.

your dh has no balls and is quite simply SELFISH....and i think he's using work as a convenient excuse to renege on his deal with you!

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 04/08/2017 22:02

Heebie I have had holiday without them. Just they always invite themselves to some of it. It's a house in a holiday place that has been in my family for decades. With x4 DC we can't afford to go elsewhere and also don't want to. I love it but they spoil it. Just frustrated because we need the cash but I'd forgo it for a future of non PIL infused holidays.

Also without DH it is hard work and not at all fun for me to be with them.

OP posts:
Alanna1 · 04/08/2017 22:04

Not read the whole thread but

  • could they come the week your DH is there?
  • could yoy buy help for the week they are there, so you aren't doing it all?
HeebieJeebies456 · 04/08/2017 22:08

I find it incredible that, despite more in an hour than I can in a day, he 'can't' set aside one extra week of income to spend it with his wife and dc Shock

you manage it despite earning much less

It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him
More than his family (and i'm including pil) too?
If that's what he values most then you're better off without him.

Why do you put up with this?
i don't get why, given all this angst, you still can't just pick up the phone and tell them "NO."

You've had a decade pf precious memories ruined.
Don't you want to salvage some as the years fly by? Confused

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 04/08/2017 22:10

My kids love having them. That is not the issue.

OP posts:
sweetbabboo · 04/08/2017 22:20

She believes women shouldn't work but cook, clean and serve 'the men'. I dislike her intensely

Show her the kitchen and chuck her a pair of marigolds, let her crack on!

Pallisers · 05/08/2017 01:41

I'm highly amused by the (presumably) women posting on here about how much better other cultures are at treating in laws.

Wonder how those cultures stack up on treating wives and women.

I wouldn't want to be a Japanese woman. Might want to be a Japanese man or Japanese elder but no, not a Japanese woman. Happy being who I am in my own culture and also happy that my culture minds older people without requiring ultimate sacrifice of a (woman's) life.

OP just tell your husband that he can't work that week - end of story. I really feel for you.

Changednamesorry · 05/08/2017 03:10

why wouldn't you want to be a Japanese woman? Am I missing something?

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