..to want him to tell MIL to go home

[Resurgam2016]

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

Take some time to find some 'outs'. What do you want?

Just some ideas: You need to find a couple of activities lasting a whole day where the GPs can't come. IE the kids are older and now they want to do exciting things you're going to x one day and y the other. Shame they can't join you but it would be too much. And you'll meet for dinner at z restaurant at a certain time or you'll pick up fish and chips/take away on the way back etc. No catering. Normally your dh wouldn't be spending time working so he will earning money, which I understand you need
But you also need your sanity so 2 days of the holiday at least will be without them. They can potter and do their own thing.

And ask them which day they are taking you all out for a meal. If you're catering for them, they need to do it for you. It works both ways.

Anything else you'd like? They can treat your kids to something remember.

STOP BEING A DOORMAT

I think this is really sad reading.

Whilst I appreciate you can't stand them and this is your holiday please remember that they are elderly and infirm (your own words) and this is probably something they look forward to all year long.

You say your DC love having them around and quite frankly they might not be around for very much longer and this time with your DC is important.

Depending on how old they are, their outlook on life will be different to yours. I'm sure there is a way to compromise. Can they come a different week or can your DH talk to them and explain that as he won't be around things will be done differently this year and set down some ground rules about what time they come everyday, who cooks etc?

I'd look for compromises rather than telling them they can't come at all. I think that would be crushing for them and detrimental for your DC.

They sound awful. It is possible to be elderly, inform and awful.

If they genuinely bloomed forward to it, would they not make more effort to be pleasant?

I agree that uninviting them might not be doable, but just don't pander to them.

Let them know your holiday itinerary and tell them that they are free to join you if it suits them, otherwise you will see them later.

Give them a time that they can call round, and if they turn up earlier just do what most mumsnetters do and don't answer the door.

As your children get older they won't want to be driven to cafes when they would rather be at the beach and you need to emphasise this to your in laws. What worked last year or the year before isn't going to work this year. And repeat ad infinutum.

So, for the last number of years you have asked your husband not to invite your pil and he has ignored you.
So this year you said, fine bring them but YOU look after them and then as if by magic he 'has to' work so you once again have to be responsible for making sure his parents have a good time?
By all means play the martyr, but while you think that deep down your husband and pil really appreciate all you do. Think again if they really appreciated you they would respect you and not treat you like a servant.

Witsender - I didn't read anywhere that they were unpleasant (maybe I'm wrong), just very different to the op with different expectations which I would assume is a generational thing.

If they are rude, unpleasant people then I take my advice back.

I think it depends on what you define as unpleasant. I would say that they are abrupt, insensitive and bigoted.

I laugh at the idea of being referred to as a doormat. I'm really not. However I don't go out of my way to upset people and PIL are a very sore subject. DH knows I really cannot stand them and it upsets him. However he also would rather they didn't come but can't tell them. Pp have demonstrated that this work thing is a potential out for us to re negotiate terms so I'll work on that. Thanks

Is it possible to not host them? As in don't cook for them? I know you were saying being rude doesn't work...but don't go to any effort for them. Explain that you won't be doing dinners because or work or whatever. When they turn up in the morning, don't answer the door, or do so but don't let them past and say you will be ready for the day on 2 hours?

Also say to them the day before "we're going for a 6 mile walk tomorrow so will understand of you don't want to come"

Hope it gets sorted op. I think most people see your position and it's not easy to change things that have a precedent.

I ended up having my parents Christmas Day and inlaws and unmarried sil Boxing Day with 4 kids for years and years. They were all lovely unlike your inlaws but it made me long for a quiet family Christmas and in the end I dreaded it.

I say to my kids and dils now come to us st Christmas if you want but do what you want.

Honestly op you can make the change going forward but you have to be firm and brave.

Good luck

And to anyone just starting relationships here don't establish precedents on Christmas and holidays. Mix and match

OP this situation sounds awful. I hope you decide what to do. Sounds like you have in laws like mine who expect you to be running around after them and a DH that can't face up to his folks.

I hope your holidays are not ruined.

If someone is racist, bigoted, misogynistic etc then I class that as unpleasant.

I do think you'll have to put up with them for part of the time. Not for your sake, but for your DCs.

But be quite upfront (actually your DH should do this). You WILL be doing your own thing part of the time and you WON'T be catering everyday. The meetup days can be mostly when your DH is there.

And if they turn up on non-meetup days, just don't answer the door.

You are resigned to putting up with this. It's a very difficult situation and I've found myself in a similar position. Change is difficult but if you don't do something, no matter how small, you'll be in the same position again.

My oh won't address issues and I feel like he tries to please everyone but mostly every is pissed off and short changed. I now put the consequences back on him. In this case I would say he needs to be there for his parents and if he needs to go back for work you cannot/will not entertain them in his absence and he needs to explain this to them. I've stopped stepping up and letting him off and as a result get on better with all concerned. I'm definitely thought I as the bad guy and I don't care. If it weren't for me my oh would see his DPs once a year at Xmas.

bakewelltarty you said what I was trying to say better than I managed.

I think you have to tell the PIL that as DH has to work the final week of the holiday there has been a change of plan and can they come the week before instead? Otherwise they will not be able to see the DGC because you will all have to go back home. If they choose to do this you can take yourself off for a couple of separate days alone and leave the PIL and DC to DH. Make it clear that he will be cooking dinner on both those nights. At least that will give you a break from the PIL. You could then rethink once the PIL have gone home whether to surprise the dc with an extra few days just you and them.

If the PIL get wind of this, well, you were all set to pack up, and then DH said that it seems such a shame to drag the DC home when they are having such a good time, why not stay on, so you did.

So which option would DH prefer, that you all go home early from the holiday, or he tells his parents they will have to come a week earlier?

I absolutely agree that the DC are older and need more active days than going for drives and sitting in cafe's. The unpredictability of the weather means you cannot plan with any certainty what you will be doing on any given days. There may be some days when you are out all day and will not be cooking when you come in. So PIL just turning up every morning will be a waste of their time. Much as you hate them it might be better to invite them specifically for an afternoon one day, a morning another, a meal out another, then they have not been excluded, but they won't be allowed to encroach on other activities that you have planned. And don't allow the PIL to be waited on hand and foot, it's a self catering holiday, they can make pots of tea or sandwiches, and help wash up.

Can you shift your work to another time of day while DH is there, so that you can get up and out before PIL are likely to pop round on the off chance? Also means you don't have to talk to them while you work.

I see you're determined not to take anyone's advice but for what it's worth, I'd just go home on the third week saying I felt ill/ had diphtheria / chicken pox/ legionnaires disease or etc. Have a nice relaxing week off with the kids in my own house without the PIL to worry about.

But no, you'll just say nothing and have a horrible week as that's easier.

I don't understand why you'd drip about being a miserable martyr for a week rather than just speak out and make your DH face facts. But it's your holiday, and your choice.

If they genuinely bloomed forward to it, would they not make more effort to be pleasant? (I assume you mean looked forward to it)

My mother looks forward to seeing my dd. She looked forward to spending 2 days with us on our holiday and her presence really ruined it for dh and me - never again btw. She is still bossy, racist, bigoted, nasty (to me) and mysogonistic.

Well quite, so why would someone else looking forward to something mean that they get a free pass to be unpleasant?

In your position I'd be telling DH either the PILs don't go or I won't be going.

He doesn't have to uninvite or upset them, he can tell them something has come up and you are not going that week, you are going to go a few weeks later instead.

What really needs to happen is him telling them we don't want them on main holiday with us ever. This is the real problem. But how/what does he say that doesn't offend them? As I stated up thread he does love them and doesn't want to hurt them. What would you say that would stop them for always?

He needs to be more bothered about upsetting you than upsetting them. He isn't, and that's your problem in a nutshell. You need to consider what would make him prioritise keeping you happy, and if you're prepared to put that on the line to him.