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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to want him to tell MIL to go home

215 replies

Resurgam2016 · 03/08/2017 20:32

Background: DH self employed, I am self employed. DH has potential to earn more in an hour than I can in a day. I am the primary carer for DC (I work around them).

I am taking DC away on holiday next week. I'll actually be working during this time but only a couple of hours a day (means getting up early). DH is joining us the week after. His parents have invited themselves to join us week after that. I really didn't want them to come as they turn a relaxing family seaside time into a high stress catering & entertaining exercise for me. However every year DH can't bear to tell them they are not welcome and they come.

DH now tells me his work means he may have to leave me on holiday with his parents and DC whilst he comes back home. It's something that couldn't be planned for and is worth ££ to him.

WIBU to insist that if he isn't there they are asked to go home. I probably am but it's already destroying the thought of the holiday for me

OP posts:
diodati · 04/08/2017 02:34

Maybe you should threaten DP to tell them exactly how you feel if he won't. You've put up with this for ten bloody years, enough is enough. If he refuses, tell them yourself. You say they have thick skins, so let rip!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2017 03:09

You haven't actually explained why they are so terrible. I go on vacations with extremely... challenging... FIL and DM and we manage. Mostly by my giving no fucks. TBH.

JennyWoodentop · 04/08/2017 03:28

OK, long tiring day at work, not feeling very tolerant.........

I would tell them not to come as DH is not going to be there - I think that's OK - would he go on holiday with your family without you and be the recreation & catering coordinator? Probably not. Suggest they visit you/you visit them/you go somewhere else another time when DH is available. Set the boundary - if he's not there, visits don't happen, then it's up to him to be available to facilitate them.

Or..........if they come, this is your chance to set some limits. They are not staying with you, they do not have to be with you all day every day, you do not have to cater for them or pander to them. Tell them what your plans are for the next day, do they want to come? Yes, fine, they do what you and the kids have planned. No, not their thing - fine, you and the kids go and do it anyway, they sort themselves out. You are not cooking every night for them, they can eat at the pub or elsewhere - invite them round for x number of meals and the rest is up to them. If they are being really awkward, get up early and go out with the kids before they come looking for you. Have caller ID on your cell and don't answer if you don't feel like it.

JennyWoodentop · 04/08/2017 03:31

Forgot to add - if they moan to DH about how unwelcoming and unhospitable you were - that's a bonus - he has to be around for any further visits or holidays

dingodon · 04/08/2017 03:34

Why are you entertaining/ catering!? It's your holiday as well!

Ceto · 04/08/2017 06:11

Changednamesorry, they've had years of having OP cater for and entertain them on what should be her holiday. It really won't hurt them to have to sort themselves out for once, and for OP it makes a lot of sense to get away from the expectation that this is going to happen every year.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2017 07:14

Changedname
I think you have no concept of how awful it can be. Your comment was horrible. I love my mother. But it is a biological love. Not one due to a wonderful and happy childhood or loving relationship with her. She is vile to me a lot of the time and being a compassionate person until now I have accepted her behaviour. Now the worm has turned.

Resurgam
You are an adult. You have the right to spend your holiday how you see fit. The deal was that your dh would be there to shield you from the shit. If he will not tell them, you can. Don't lie. Tell them the truth. They've been totally inconsiderate of your feelings. You don't owe them a nice life and holiday.

They don't seem to understand when they hear things verbally. So perhaps write them a letter. Simply tell them you are really sorry, work means your dh won't be there and due to their mobility and health you are unable to look after them. You already have 4 children to look after for the week and you cannot look after them as well. It will be too much. If you are ok for them to come and Assuming your dh will be there for the weekend, tell them you will be available as a family for the Saturday/Sunday. If you really don't want them there at all, then tell them they cannot come at all.

Stop being guilted. I've been guilted by my mother for far too long and I posted a letter yesterday telling her I'd be having a break from her for a while. It's going to hurt her. But I cannot be hurt in her stead for any longer as it is deeply affecting my health. I have ME/CFS and pretty poorly ATM. It is recognised as a disability, which she and my brother deny and has led to him physically hurting me and instead of supporting me, she has taken his side. Not that there should be sides.

Velvian · 04/08/2017 07:25

Dh will have to not work. Sounds like you will have to make it a lot clearer to him. Announce loudly that you will not be catering this holiday.
My pils are a bit like this, but not as bad. I remember one camping holiday; dh worked away during the week, our holiday was 1 of 2 weeks a year we had together. Pils announce they are coming too & every morning when i was in my pjs eating breakfast mil would come in to announce what i should make for lunch & what she thought we should do for dinner. I was utterley miserable. It was worse than being at home.
That said, i have no qualms about saying i won't be making any lunch and i don't want to decide what we're doing for dinner at breakfast time now. Be polite, but firm.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 04/08/2017 07:41

You could Tell them plans have changed and they can only come in week 2 now.
Sure it means your DH will not get any time alone with his family on holiday this year.. But that's between your DH and his parents, if they are happy to do that to each other let them. Don't let either of them make it your problem for their convenience.

flumpybear · 04/08/2017 08:16

Goodness how awful - get your DH to say holiday plans have changed and suggest the make alternative arrangements as it's up in the air at the moment

Can't you go elsewhere ?! I actively avoid too much holiday time with my IL too (I would also with my own parents but they're dead) I also find it's difficult, anxiety provoking and they also get really difficult
About watching our kids for an evening so my DH and I can have a date night occasionally we see their friends regularly who often say lucky you, baby sitters on tap ..... never actually told anyone they don't want to lol I never ask them
For anything anymore ... unfortunately if I'm away for any reason my DH doesn't go it alone like I do so asks them for help and apparently that's 'my' fault because I'm swanning off to work away or see friends for a weekend etc ...... but of course it's
Fine for my DH or his brother
To buffer off skiing, holidays etc with their friends and leave their kids with me or exSIL

Get your DH to sort it so you can rest and enjoy your hols

MorrisZapp · 04/08/2017 08:26

To the suck it up brigade, would you expect the DH to cater for the OPs parents on his own for a week?

Really?

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 04/08/2017 08:31

If you absolutely have to cater for them, tell them in advance you're doing easy basic meals for the kids to lessen the workload for yourself. And you will eat what the kids are eating

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 04/08/2017 08:31

Tell them to come earlier when DH is there!

LakieLady · 04/08/2017 08:36

Sounds ghastly.

Couldn't DH tell a diplomatic fib and say that you also have a lot of work to do and with that, plus looking after the kids as well, you won't have time to go on trips out, cook etc for them too; as they'll be left to their own devices and eating their meals in the pub, so it might be better if they just stayed the one week?

I also wonder if each year he thinks this might be last time they come away with you all if they're getting on a bit and in poor health.

Original poster
Resurgam2016 · 04/08/2017 08:42

It is good to hear that I am not alone in thinking dealing with them without him is not ok.

It's not possible to move the visit as at this point I don't know exactly when DH will not be around. Also week two is my holiday week ( no work). I'm not spoiling that with PIL for anything.

I will be as rude and unwelcoming as possible and they really won't change a thing. Sadly I fear this horrible holiday scenario will only end when they are not well enough to come. The only think that makes it bearable is DH fronting it all. Hence wanting him to uninvite if he is not around.

There's no resolution but I feel better having posted. Thanks.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 04/08/2017 08:44

If they're so thick skinned why do you let them decide what you do each day, and what you eat? [confused}

Personally, I wouldn't uninvite but neither would I bend over backwards to accomodate them. So let them come, you do your thing with the kids then tell them you'll see them for lunch/tea (which if you are making it will be X). I'm not surprised that you are burning with resentment if you plan the week around them but you don't have do this.

At the end of the day your children love them and they won't be around for ever.

diodati · 04/08/2017 08:49

Don't be rude, that reflects poorly on you. Be firm, set boundaries and times.

allegretto · 04/08/2017 08:53

Yanbu but being rude is. It's so pasdive aggressive. Either tell them outright or accept with good grace!

happypoobum · 04/08/2017 08:57

Are you saying you have the exact same holiday every year? Why is that?

Could you not go abroad or just somewhere where PILS wouldn't go?

It's totally unreasonable for DH to put you in this position. You will have to tell them that sadly you BOTH have work commitments that cannot be avoided, and when DH goes home, so do you.

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 08:58

they might be a bit difficult. they might be a bit demanding. if the OP was saying they were horrible and abusive that would obviously be different but I get the impression they are just hard work.

Honestly to those trying to make this a sexism issue.....my partner would never dream of "sending my parents home" if this situation happened to us in reverse. He would cook for them and do his utmost to take care of them....yes they all get in well and I get on well with his parents but honestly....even if we didn't we would still make sure out partners family were welcomed and taken care of at the least out of love and respect for our partner. If my partner treated my parents in the way you suggest I would be furious and vice versa. It's unthinkable unless they are actively really nasty or dangerous.

I could MAYBE understand off it was for your whole holiday (although I still wouldn't do as you suggest) but it is only a portion of it. OK.....so a portion of your holiday is family time....by which I mean whole family not this odd British concept of just mum and dad and kids.....everyone. You still have the other 2 weeks ....or one if you discount the time where you have to do some work.

My partner and I would both be very very upset if the other did this ....we are both close to our parents and treat them with respect. The attitudes on this thread towards the grandparents show a deep selfishness that runs through society and it's sad.

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 09:00

"I will be as rude and unwelcoming as possible "

wow. lovely. Why don't you try being as friendless and welcoming as possible? you might get a better outcome.......I feel really quite sorry for your husband and his parents.

Changednamesorry · 04/08/2017 09:01

should read "friendly " not "friendless"

vikingprincess81 · 04/08/2017 09:01

There is a resolution though OP - your husband finds his backbone and tells his parents no.
I get on great with MIL, because we respect each other and our boundaries. She's very welcome to come to certain things (and I'm very welcome to come to certain things she's doing) but some activities - such as family holidays (or her holidays with her fellow widowed friends) are not up for grabs. She doesn't want us around with kids when she's having fancy dinners and loads of wine Wink with her pals, and our family time away is just as sacred. If she did come it would be fine as we can all compromise, but it's your holiday - with 4!!!!!! Kids! You NEED the down time. Tell DH to sort it - there's nothing more unattractive than a man who won't be assertive Flowers

PlaymobilPirate · 04/08/2017 09:09

What's the worst she can do if you pay things out clearly before you go? Huff??

Just ring them and say ' the kids and I will be doing xyz, it's planned and promised. If you don't want to join in doing xyz then I have the number for a local taxi company who can take you to cafes.

We can maybe do abc together but my main priority is tiring out the kids and making sure they have fun. I'm sure you can remember wanting the same when your kids were little"

Job done

Helendee · 04/08/2017 09:10

Why on earth would they even want to come on holiday with you? Poor people!