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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel hurt at being left out?

18 replies

lill72 · 20/07/2017 14:54

I don't know if I am being super sensitive which is possible as I feel I have signs of menopause coming on - one of them meaning I a teary a bit.

A new family just moved into our building from the same country I am from. Another family already here are also from the same country. I was quite friendly with the family already here, especially since they had a baby. However am feeling rather left out as the other two families have seemed to hit it off and now have each other over a bit. I dont know whether it is just because they both have babies and have a school aged child. Or whether they are just closer in age. Could quite possibly be they have more in common because of this. I have lots of school mum mates and we all share the same gripes etc about our 6 year olds - it is hard for people wit babies to relate and vice versa. Just feeling a bit left out , even though really I have enough going on and are not lonely for their friendship.... just not quite sure what is going on...... thoughts?

OP posts:

Foniks · 20/07/2017 14:58

I think it is just as you say, that they have similar aged children. It might not even be that they have more in common, but just that they like their children to play together.

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 14:59

So... you're annoyed because some people have made friends with people other than you?

YABU. Not everyone has to be best friends with you! Maybe they have more in common, maybe their kids get on better, maybe they see each other during the day with the babies, or maybe they just like each other more!

You are definitely being over-sensitive here I'm afraid.

AnneBiscuit · 20/07/2017 15:01

Do you have a partner OP as I've found that many couples like to socialise with other couples.

Original poster

lill72 · 20/07/2017 15:09

Yes I have a partner. We are both a bit older. Not sure if they just couldnt cope with having a 6 year old over as they dont really know what they are all about yet. They have babies under one. and a 4 year old between them.

I know i am being sensitive but it just hurts a bit as we are all from the same country so really already have a lot in common.

Thoughts on people with younger children wanting to hang out with people with older children? I have so much in common with my dd school friends mums. Is hard talking about same things to people with younger children as they just dont get it

OP posts:

swingofthings · 20/07/2017 15:29

I felt the same when I introduced to of my good friends and I then discovered that they had been meeting without me. Not behind my back, just circumstances, but I expect a bit like siblings feels when a new baby arrives and they feel left behind.

I said nothing though and I soon realised I wasn't being excluded. Since then a 4 member (a friend of one of them I didn't know before) joined the 'group' and we often meet in different numbers. Sometimes all 4 of us, sometimes 2, and sometimes 3 with one excluded. Always because of circumstances. There is no more pressure, we all get along great, but indeed, the get togethers often evolve around the things we have in common, especially activities.

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 16:02

So you're admitting that you find it hard talking to people with younger children - but you still think this family should be your friend above a family with children of the same age? I don't understand what you're annoyed about!

NotAnotheChinHair · 20/07/2017 16:07

She didnt say she's annoyed peach

TheFlis12345 · 20/07/2017 16:26

Why don't you make the first move and invite them all over to yours?

Original poster

lill72 · 20/07/2017 17:06

Thanks swing - as you say it could have just evolved.

I don't find it hard to talk to anyone - just I guess you forgetstages once the are past if you know what I mean.

I now wish I maybe had invited the first family over - it has been a funny one as when we moved into the building the couple had not had a baby yet, so were a young couple. When you have children you dont necessarily hang out or make friends - it has only been since she has had a baby that we have made friends. I am not one of those people that dives into and invites people over straightaway - I get to know people slowly I guess. I did invite the new mum round for coffee but she had family . I will get in touch and invite her or we were talking of a singing group together.

Maybe I feel a bit hurt as if I were to organise something I probably would have been more inclusive - but they have not done this for whatever reason. I would just be interested to know why... feel like a failure for some reason.

OP posts:

Original poster

lill72 · 20/07/2017 17:08

theflis - I will. thank you.I dont feel like aborn entertainer and dinner is tricky with little ones bedtimes. they seem to do it with a young baby - why cant I mange it?

OP posts:

trilbydoll · 20/07/2017 17:12

I have a 4yo and a 2yo. Honestly, older children are a total unknown to me a slight exaggeration admittedly but I would be very worried if they came round that they thought all the toys were babyish and got bored etc. This can happen with a 4yo too but it's a bit less likely!

WhataHexIgotinto · 20/07/2017 17:20

But just because you are from the same country, it doesn't mean that you have 'lots in common'.

Original poster

lill72 · 20/07/2017 17:54

trilby - yes well I have a spirited 6 year old - and i think sometimes if you dont know how they behave it can feel a bit unknown. I now I felt that when i had just had a baby. If my 6 year misbehaves, most mums with kids at least that age get it - but try explaining to someone with a one year old why there is a lot of yelling every morning to get shoes on for school.

whatahex - true. But we do actually have a lot in common - at least i do with the first family. The second family i have not got to know so well.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 20/07/2017 17:58

Stop basing friendships around the kids - you should be able to talk about anything else - food clothes to local amenities politics anything

minipie · 20/07/2017 18:34

When you have a baby it often seems easier to hang out with others with babies, since they will understand if you have to leave or if you have to cancel due to a terrible night or if you've turned up with sick all down you. Of course others might be understanding of all this too.

Or it could be that their

Original poster

lill72 · 20/07/2017 18:34

Green ahhhh yes thanks for that - I do talk about lots else obviously!!!

We dont only talk kids but when we do here is a big difference. kids factor in a big way in terms of what you can do ie working around naps, picking up school kids and ferrying to activities.

OP posts:

BifsWif · 20/07/2017 18:40

Why don't you just invite them all round for dinner one evening? I'm sure they'd accept.

It doesn't sound like they've excluded you, just that they get on well.

minipie · 20/07/2017 18:41

It might be that they both have babies and so are going through the same stage together (and can talk about nappies and teething etc)

Or it could be nothing to do with the children's age. It might be that they just have very similar personalities to each other and so have "clicked" more with each other than you. I click with some people more than others, don't you?

I understand being hurt at being left out but it doesn't mean they dislike you. They just have more in common with each other

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