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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to spend time with my exh?

22 replies

MrsMortified · 19/06/2017 07:03

E.g. father's day, kids bdays?

We try and do some family stuff still, we both had parents who divorced and for both of us the fallout made them being in the same room unbearable. I don't want to put our 3 boys (12, 8 and 3) through this. I still have a lot of affection and respect for my ex, just because I didn't want to be married to him any more does not mean that I dislike him and although it can be tough, we are trying hard to remain on good terms. I really do want this.

It causes a big problem for my boyfriend however. He says it's not normal to want to spend time together, we're not a couple any more and should stop trying to behave like we are.

I don't care what is normal for other people, this felt ok to me and exh until boyf pointed out that he finds it difficult to deal with. It now causes a row whenever I am likely to see him, I've invited boyf too to birthday stuff e.g, thinking he felt put out that family stuff happens without him but it's not that, it's jealousy. Which I don't get because I am not a jealous person really.

So aibu to want to spend time with my ex?

OP posts:
Wormulonian · 19/06/2017 07:17

Of course you are not BU. It is great that you and ex can get along especially for your DC whose needs come first. Your Boyfriend needs to explore why he feels threatened and jealous about it.

TroysMammy · 19/06/2017 07:17

You may not be a couple any more but you'll always be parents to the children you have together and it's understandable there will be times you will be celebrating occasions as a family especially given the children's ages.

LedaP · 19/06/2017 07:19

I think this is great. If it works.

Lots of people try this and it doesnt work. But it is for you.

Any new partner needs to understand they cant dictate your relationship with your childs other parent.

statetrooperstacey · 19/06/2017 07:24

I think it's a good thing and don't spoil the good set up you have to appease your boyfriend..
One of my xdh used to come round regularly and it took my oh a while to get used to it, but he did and mine and Exs dc at the time were much older teenagers.
We didn't do days out tho but I think that's ok especially for special occasions.

WinchestersInATardis · 19/06/2017 07:26

I could see why he might be bothered it if you and ex were close and deliberately making time for each other.
But this isn't making time for each other, it's making time for your children. XH and I do this too. We spend Christmas and birthdays together because it's good for DC to have both parents there on special days.

Original poster
MrsMortified · 19/06/2017 09:20

Thanks all for your views. It's useful to have another perspective from unbiased sources. I can understand it's hard for my boyfriend but it really isn't about spending time with each other, my ex and I do still get on and I don't want my children to feel the same horrorible discomfort that I did when my mum and dad were so obviously at loggerheads when I was younger.

Boyfriend has this morning been really unkind in a voice message about the situation, I think this has reached make or break point for us. Which is terribly sad as I finally thought I'd found the love of my life. This and his jealousy is going to tear us apart I think Sad

OP posts:
inkydinky · 19/06/2017 09:26

I think it's lovely that you can do this. My arsehole ex (who thinks he's lovely by the way) won't even stand next to me at school sports day. There is no "united front" because the only person he wants to appear to be united with is his girlfriend. His parents also divorced so you'd think he'd be better but sadly not. My BF, after a tricky start, spends family time with his ex and children. Which I support. I wouldn't let jealousy get in the way of a good working relationship with your ex, given the benefits to your children.

RB68 · 19/06/2017 09:36

you might not be a couple but you are both parents to the same children and this is about them not you two or your BF - he needs to grow up.

HildaOg · 19/06/2017 09:40

If you're presenting as a couple and as a united family then he's entitled to feel offended because that makes him feel like your bit on the side.

Getting together at Xmas and easter can be a good idea for the first couple of years but there comes a point where you have to move on as new partners will want their own traditions with you.

In your case you're still acting as a married woman. All the time! He comes second to you playing happy families with your ex. If you get on so well, why not get back together? It's really not fair to expect new partners to slot into bit on the side role.

It would be better for him to leave and find someone who's actually single. You haven't moved on.

notanevilstepmother · 19/06/2017 09:42

Myself and DH went for a birthday meal for DSD with his XW and her DH.

I don't see anything wrong or not normal about that. Your boyfriend should grow up, it's not all about him, it's about you putting the children first.

I don't get jealous when he speaks to XW on the phone, because it's not about them, it's about DSD.

I assume you are in the same position as my DH, you don't want to be with your ex, but you do want to co-parent.

notanevilstepmother · 19/06/2017 09:46

Love this.

Aibu to spend time with my exh?
unicorn5629 · 19/06/2017 09:55

Notaevilstepmother I've seen that before and love it !! If only all exs could behave like that

Original poster
MrsMortified · 19/06/2017 10:56

Hilda but we're not presenting as a couple though. It's only on those occasions where we think our children would feel the burn otherwise. It's only ever in connection with the children, it's not about us spending time in each other's company because WE want to. I do agree though that as time goes on new family traditions will evolve and that's what I really want with my boyfriend, him and his children and family are lovely people.

I have moved on from our marriage however- it was very hard and caused me a lot of pain as I tried so so hard to make things work and it took me a long time to make the break because I felt so terribly guilty about the potential impact on our children.

I don't hate my ex, but I don't love him anymore. I do love my boyfriend however, in a way that i didnt believe was possible-
finding him when I wasn't even looking for him was like finally being able to see in colour after only ever seeing in black and white before. I had given up on the idea of true love and believed that it was something that only happened in films and books and was all just a conspiracy theory to sell stories. The knowledge that this is hurting him is truly dreadful.

I just can't work out what is for the best because I feel like I am being asked to choose between the love of my life and what's best for my children and that's a dreadful situation to be in as a mother because either way someone is going to loose out and I already feel like I have been selfish enough by ending my marriage:(

OP posts:
jojo2916 · 19/06/2017 11:02

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who had such a close relationship with their ex I take my hat off to new partners who deal with it but describing yourself as in a family with your ex does not leave room for a new patner IMO.

Apachepony · 19/06/2017 11:09

I think it is ok for you to want to do family stuff with your ex, but is also ok for your bf not to be happy with it, and want to be in a relationship where this doesn't happen. It may be that this is just the end of the road for the relationship. How much time would you spend with your ex?

Bizzysocks · 19/06/2017 11:09

kids birthday parties, sports day, parents evening etc, YANBU.

father's day, days out, I think YABU. If you weren't out with your ex woUldale you BF have been available to spend time with? thinking he may also be annoyed that it could have been a child free day to enjoy together.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/06/2017 11:12

I feel like I am being asked to choose between the love of my life and what's best for my children

If he's asking you to choose, then he is NOT the love of your life. Sorry, but he isn't. And what you decribe- those intense feelings - I am not belittling them but that is the kind of dizzy, early-days lovebomb feeling that isn't real life. Not unless it grows and settles into something far deeper and stronger.

How long have you been with him? If your youngest is 3, then presumably not long, as in not more than a couple of years at the most-? Probably less? This is quite possibly the end of the honeymoon period -when you start to see the real him.

Don't let this person or the intense feelings you currently have override the needs of your children. You are doing the right thing for them. If you can't sit down with your boyfriend and explain that, pointing out all the instances where you and your ex spend time together and why, ALL of which as you have said revolve around hte childrens' needs... then I'm sorry but not matter how great he makes you feel right now, he's not right for you and he's not able to appreciate that your children are the priority... and that how HE deals with his children and managing his time with them is not necessarily the only way to do it. There's a lack of respect here, as well as nasty old jealousy - not only is he saying he doesn't trust you, he's saying that he thinks how you raise your children should change. That's wrong.

Your littlest is still only a baby. Don't put him or your others second to a boyfriends' pettiness for a MINUTE - you will regret it.

SomeKnobend · 19/06/2017 11:13

You're not BU but neither is he. It works for you but it doesn't work for him and that's fine, you're just not compatible. I think it's nice you can do things with your ex, but I personally wouldn't date someone who was that close with their ex.

Original poster
MrsMortified · 19/06/2017 11:13

Bizzy no there was already something going on and we knew we couldn't spend time together. Plus, its my weekend with the children (he has them every other) and one of the difficulties is that exh expectation is that I've made my bed and I can lie in it therefore I am responsible for our boys 100% of the time on my weekends even if he is there- so if I didn't facilitate a get together for him and kids he wouldn't take them out for the day. Not his responsibility on my weekends apparently Confused

OP posts:
DirtyChaiLatte · 19/06/2017 11:19

You do what's best for your children and any man who cannot understand that reason isn't all that great.

His jealousy should not trump your children's happiness and mental well-being.

NotJanine · 19/06/2017 11:44

I think your boyfriend is right to feel jealous if you are doing 'family stuff' with your ex and your kids. I don't see a problem with being pleasant to each other at the kids' birthday parties but arranging more than that is a bit strange. You're not a family any more. Father's day is for the kids and their dad, not you.

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