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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum is being unreasonable

25 replies

thesoundofyourheart · 14/06/2017 19:44

Hi guys

I'm not sure if this is the right thread but don't know where else it would fit!

I'm not really sure if this is controlling/normal/jealous behaviour.

I'm 22 years old, I live at home, and I've recently gotten into my first 'serious' relationship. Unfortunately he lives an hour away and works long hours, so whenever I do see him I stay overnight/two nights. I always go to his because he doesn't live with family (plus I have the box room, lol)

Every time that I tell my mum I'm going up to stay with him, she freaks out and says that she "doesn't understand the attraction" of going - and that she "doesn't agree with it" and I'm "being stupid".

This evening when I've come home she's exclaimed (very loudly, in public) that the only reason I go is because I sleep with him. I don't believe that this is normal behaviour from her, am I being unreasonable in thinking she's been... unreasonable?

OP posts:
SunsOutPlumsOut · 14/06/2017 19:46

Yanbu of course. Find your own place asap

lorrimay · 14/06/2017 19:48

She's reacting really oddly. Do you think your mum is lonely when your always and might be a little jealous your leaving her

misscph1973 · 14/06/2017 19:49

Your DM is obviously having some issues about you being a grown-up. Explain to her that her behaviour is not acceptable. Of course you are sleeping with your boyfriend.

Original poster
thesoundofyourheart · 14/06/2017 19:54

I've tried to discuss it with her many many times but she just says "I don't agree with it, don't you dare invite him back here" and it just ends in an argument.

I don't know why she's acting the way she is - she's not alone when I leave her, she's got my dad and my four other siblings here :(

OP posts:
Mulch · 14/06/2017 19:55

Your not responsible for your mother's feelings, maybe you should look For new place and be clear that she needs to keep her opinions of your relationship to herself

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 14/06/2017 19:57

Does she have any reason to dislike your DP? Does she have an strong religious or moral beliefs that would explain this behaviour?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 14/06/2017 19:59

Has she ever met him?

Perhaps she feels you are doing "all the running" ie making all the effort to visit him and he's not doing any of the travelling or incurring nay of the costs.

Original poster
thesoundofyourheart · 14/06/2017 19:59

Moving out is on my list but it's expensive and I don't earn a lot of money haha

We're not religious at all, no. She's perfectly fine with my brothers girlfriend staying and he's only 17. She's never met my boyfriend, and at the moment I really don't want her to!

OP posts:
Original poster
thesoundofyourheart · 14/06/2017 20:00

I do appreciate that it looks as though I do "all the running" - which I do I agree, but he pays for a lot of the things we do, the food I have, etc etc. And she knows that too

OP posts:
howrudeforme · 14/06/2017 20:01

My dm was the same.

She really felt she was losing me. This is not abnormal and zero odd about it if it's your first time staying away with a partner (but makes you feel uncomfortable).

She's finding it hard that you're spreading your wings. But you have to.

Be patient but keep spreading your wings.

MrsJayy · 14/06/2017 20:02

Your mum isn't coping with you having a grown up relationship she is terrified you want him to stay at yours and you and he have sex in "her house" just say im a big girl mum i can stay with whoever i like. I have Dds around your age they still live at home but come and go as they please,

MrsJayy · 14/06/2017 20:03

Btw it is not normal to behave like this you must gave wanted to curl up when she said that to you.

ijustwannadance · 14/06/2017 20:09

So it's ok for your 17 year old brother to have sex in her house but not for you at 22 to go and stay with a boyfriend?Confused

Your mum is being ridiculous.

HundredMilesAnHour · 14/06/2017 20:18

Your Mum's little girl is grown up and she's struggling to deal with it, especially the sex side. It might not feel like it but it's because she loves you. Try to be patient with her and not let it get to you.

My parents were the same - my Dad was horrendous! I left home at 18 to go to uni but I'd be home in the holidays (working at 3 part time jobs). When I was 21, he used to refer to my boyfriend as "that bloody [boyfriend's first name]". My Dad just hated the fact that the BF was obviously sh*gging his daughter. Ironically, that BF went on to make millions and is a massively successful and a lovely person. The kind of BF my Dad should have been pleased I had!

By 22, I had a new BF. Just after graduation, my BF took me out for dinner and drove me home (to my parents). As I learned across in the car to kiss my boyfriend goodnight, my father came marching out of the house, straight across the front garden and over the wall, and yanked me out of my BF's car (it was a convertible). It was massively embarrassing. But that was my over-protective Dad. Annoying as hell but he was just worried for his "little girl". I think your Mum is the same, and you living at home still does sort of give her the right. Just be patient. She'll get over it eventually (although it took my Dad until I was about 30 to get over it with me!)

FurryLittleTwerp · 14/06/2017 20:25

Completely unacceptable to let your brother have his girlfriend to stay, yet have a fit about your nighttime activities Shock

Original poster
thesoundofyourheart · 14/06/2017 20:32

I'm just really struggling to be at home at the moment Sad

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/06/2017 20:36

The glaring double standards are ridiculous. I'd be really upset in your place. If you can't say it to her, I'd text her along the lines that you are and adult and in a loving relationship. If she can't accept you are a sexual being and invite your dp into her home, what chance does she think there will be of her having a good relationship with you and your partner when you have children? Does she see herself being a doting grandma because there's fat chance of this happening right now with her childish behaviour. And leave it at that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/06/2017 20:37

What does your dad say?

Original poster
thesoundofyourheart · 14/06/2017 20:39

She says that she doesn't like him because he's "changed me" - he's not, I just spend more time away from home now!

My dad is very... under the thumb, so won't tell her she's being ridiculous and does agree with what she says (or at least says he does)

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 14/06/2017 20:42

Are you the eldest sibling?

Original poster
thesoundofyourheart · 14/06/2017 20:42

I'm the eldest, yep!

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 14/06/2017 20:44

You need to move out.

MrsJayy · 14/06/2017 20:49

Och yeah hopefully you can move out soon it is so expensive though your mum just doesn't see you as a woman tbf on her slightly it can be hard for us sometimes.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/06/2017 20:54

I think she's OK with your DB's gf staying because that's within her control. You being away from home, having a relashoinship and making you own way in life isn't. It definitely sounds like a control issue. Don't jump into moving in with your boyfriend to escape it, but definitely look into a flat share or something.

Original poster
thesoundofyourheart · 14/06/2017 21:10

I agree I do need to move out, but I don't earn a lot of money and it's expensive :(

OP posts:
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