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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate it when DH isn't here at bedtime

24 replies

Iloverichtea · 27/05/2017 22:48

DH has gone to cinema with his mates tonight - I'm home with DS. No probs with him going out at all but I really hate it when he isn't here when I go to bed!

I really can't sleep properly until he's home. I don't labour the point too much with him though otherwise he wouldn't go out and I don't want him to feel he can't!

AIBU to feel this way about a grown man??

OP posts:
YorkieDorkie · 27/05/2017 22:52

Sorry YABU!

JollySmelly · 27/05/2017 22:54

Sorry yes - YABU.

PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2017 22:54

Yes, I agree you're being unreasonable.

What is it that you're worried about?

alltoomuchrightnow · 27/05/2017 22:56

yabu... my DP is away for weeks at a time and later this year could be 3.5 months. He's away right now.
I find it easier to fall asleep without him because of his snoring. When he's here I can lie awake for hours.
I do miss him yes..but ! I am more rested when he's not here.
I live middle of nowhere too, and people ask if I get spooked when he's not here. No is the answer.. I mean no one would ask him if HE got spooked when I'm away!

Parker231 · 27/05/2017 22:56

YABU - im sure your DH doesn't think like that when you are out for the evening and he is at home with the DC's

Haudyerwheesht · 27/05/2017 22:56

Yabu. Why? Because you're worried somethinf will happen to him? Or you? Do you worry when he goes to work? Shops? Etc?

DeathByMascara · 27/05/2017 22:58

YABU. I do 4/7 nights alone as dh doesn't finish work until 9:30. I miss him for the help with dinner and bedtime. I like him being at home to sleep with.

justkeepswimmingg · 27/05/2017 23:01

I have mild anxiety, so can relate to this is some ways. I hated sleeping alone for a long time, until I was forced to accept it when DH did night shifts. I started to have insomnia at first, and it took me hours to fall asleep. I like the comfort of having my DH in the bed with me, and I tend to fall asleep straight away when he's home. However now and then I appreciate the bed to myself, and I don't get as anxious now I've got used to it. Maybe try listening to music, or have a fan on, for some light background noise. It may be comforting.

Ankleswingers · 27/05/2017 23:03

YABU. I'm pretty much doing it on my own for five out of seven nights every single week as DH works ridiculously long hours.

It's hard working and doing everything with the children, as well as running the house but it is what it is.

I'm usually too knackered to be staying awake waiting for DH to get home and am fast asleep by the time he gets in.

Original poster
Iloverichtea · 27/05/2017 23:03

I do suffer from anxiety myself so it's prob to do with that! No, I only feel uneasy when he's out at night and I'm trying to sleep - work, shopping etc, don't give it a second thought. I've done CBT and other therapies for my anxiety btw.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 27/05/2017 23:04

YANBU. Are you worried for him or yourself?

I sleep with the lamp on when DH is away. I am still scared of the dark.

Original poster
Iloverichtea · 27/05/2017 23:06

Worried in case something happens to him - this isn't in response to Manchester or anything though

OP posts:
MaQueen · 27/05/2017 23:08

Yep, YABU but I suspect you know that.

Garnethair · 27/05/2017 23:09

I can't sleep when my DH isn't home at bedtime either. Only in this house - never had a problem in any of the other houses we have lived in over the years. If I do manage to fall asleep I invariably have a nightmare that there are burglars in the house and wake up terrified. Could never live here alone.

purplechoc · 27/05/2017 23:17

I can relate. I find it difficult to get to sleep if DP is out and is coming home at some point as I think because I'm expecting to be woken up at some point, I seem to wake up to every noise. I also do worry about him getting home safely if I think he's going to be drinking a lot. It takes me longer to get to sleep if he's away overnight but normally fine once I am asleep. I've slept in a big house for a few months alone and was fine with it. I don't get to sleep easily so think I just find it difficult to sleep in different to normal circumstance.

So I don't think YABU if you don't stop him going out or make him feel guilty to go out. Some people just find it much easier to sleep than others so would struggle to get it I think.

BackforGood · 27/05/2017 23:30

It's not really an AIBU question though, is it>

Logically, of course YABU, but the way you feel about things isn't based on logic, so it's a daft thing to ask if YABU or not.

If you wanted to know if others feel the same, or if you asked what other people do to overcome their worries, then there would be a point.

Mandraki · 27/05/2017 23:36

You may be being unreasonable but I am exactly the same so I am unreasonable too. I get a bit scared if he isn't here when I go to bed, definitely wouldn't want to do a whole night without him and I know he felt the same when I went away on a hen weekend a couple of weeks ago (incidentally didn't sleep well then either coz I was away from him). Think it is just a comfort and familiarity thing, so used to sleeping next to him. I have anxiety too, though under control right now, and it was definitely a bigger deal when I was more anxious. I think as long as we realise it's a little unreasonable and don't try and stop our partners going out (not that mine does very often) then it's a meh point and I totally understand where you're coming from.

Shoxfordian · 28/05/2017 07:12

Agree that you're not being unreasonable as you don't try to stop him going out at night. Maybe you could do with some more therapy to manage this anxiety though

LedaP · 28/05/2017 07:28

Tbh i dont have anxiety. I dont worry about dh when he isnt home. But i still fi d iy difficult to sleep when i am home alone. No idea why. I really enjoy having an evening to myself. Enjoy lounging in bed reading on my own. But cant seem to drop off.

If he worked away and it was more often i suspect i would get used to it.

I dont think yabu its just one of those things. But you would be if you expected him to not go out. Which yiu have no intention of doing.

Westray · 28/05/2017 07:31

Yes you are being unreasonable.

But if you have anxiety it is understandable.

April241 · 28/05/2017 07:36

I'm the same, also have anxiety and have worried about others for unnecessarily for forever. As a kid id worry about my mum driving to work in the bad weather etc.

When my OH is out I enjoy chilling out once the kids are in bed but when I go to bed I don't sleep till he's home, just can't drift off.

Smilingthru · 28/05/2017 07:38

OP I'm the same!! I don't care about him going out and actually quite enjoy the peace but I struggle to fall asleep without him there. It's more out of habit than anything else. You're not alone.

Like you say I don't tell DH too much as I don't want to stop him going out and don't make a big thing if it to myself. I just accept that il toss and turn for a bit before I eventually fall asleep. Once I'm asleep I'm fine! I don't think YABU x

sparklefarts · 28/05/2017 08:37

I know exactly how you feel op.

Day in day I'm fine. But when he goes out of the evening it's like my anxiety switch has been flicked to full-on and I lay there imagining all kinds of horrible things that could happen to him, knowing full well it's all in my head.

I've never said anything to dh as I don't want to ruin his nights out. I just tell myself over and I er again I'm being nuts.

It's weird because logically, I know I'm being irrational, but I have no idea t how to stop these thoughts.

TheNaze73 · 28/05/2017 09:54

YABU

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