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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

so embarrassed Year 2 son!

213 replies

Ohcrapbag · 17/05/2017 18:56

I have two sons, one is now in secondary and the other year 2.
September born so one of the eldest but has always been quite immature compared to his peers, preferring to run around playing football or out on his bike than to playing complex games on computers and so on.
He's just under where he should be academically which has always been put down to poor concentration and not really having an interest in reading for instance.
He's very lively and since starting reception has had many tellings off for boisterous behaviour within his friendship group ( 4 of them all very similar ) however it's all come to a bit of a head now as the teacher has called me in for the following reasons -
Him saying " I don't want to / I already know this / I'm not interested in this / my parents won't care about this ( when she told him we wouldn't be happy with him not listening ) " and generally just being very cocky and rude to her.
Also being silly in class to get people to laugh however most are not laughing and just think he's stupid
Not concentrating in class whatsoever so doesn't know what work he's meant to be doing when it's time for independent learning
Reading level is 2 below the books he reads at home as he doesn't focus at school when she reads with him
She said there seems to be a lack of respect
I'm really embarrassed. We've been more positive parent types I suppose and we're always proud of our children for having an opinion and a voice, for not following the crowd or trying to fit it and being happy an individuals however she said it's not being assertive, just rude and wants us to agree on something he loses of an evening for poor behaviour in class.
At home he is kind and considerate, very active which we've always just accepted so spend lots of time trailing through woods and so on but no bad behaviour as such.
She asked if we had noticed anything at home but other than not wanting to read with us and telling his football coach he already knows how to play football a few times when doing his lessons I can't think of anything at all.
Is this just a phase? She seemed really annoyed; usually very smily and jokey but not today.

OP posts:
DisappearingFish · 17/05/2017 19:01

I don't think there's anything immature about wanting to be out on a bike or playing football rather than playing computer games.

He sounds like one of those kids who don't get the point of school.

Dogivemeabreak · 17/05/2017 19:02

Don't think it's just a phase. If he's already telling two different adults that he already know how to do what they're trying to teach him, he's not being assertive, he's being a brat.

You teaching him he doesn't have to fit in and can have his own opinions isn't helping, he's just rude.

Iloveanimals · 17/05/2017 19:06

I would personally be inclined to go and volunteer in his classroom and discipline him myself when he played up, right in front of his peers! But I am sorry you're going through this.

Plastictattoo · 17/05/2017 19:06

I don't think you need to be embarrassed... you need to be angry. From what the teacher has told you, he sounds incredibly rude. In your shoes I would be working with the school to improve his behaviour. Sanctions for having a bad day - missing football training, no playing outside etc as well as rewards for a good day. Is this just a phase? Yes, if you tackle it now. If you don't, you could have years of teachers complaining to you. Good luck

Alanna1 · 17/05/2017 19:07

You need to support the school and talk to him about his behaviour.

Original poster
Ohcrapbag · 17/05/2017 19:09

I agree he's being rude, I don't think calling children brats is very necessary though personally.
He's 7 not 17

OP posts:
Embolio · 17/05/2017 19:11

I'm not sure I'd agree with losing privileges at home - I think in-school behaviour should be dealt with in school really. However, he's old enough for you to talk seriously to him about what constitutes acceptable behaviour in school and to make clear to him and the teachers that you will be supporting any in-school sanctions.

You need to make it clear to him how he needs to behave - in life we all to some extent have to tow the line at times and learn to adapt our behaviour to different situations. Better to address this now - He's got another 12 years of school ahead of him, it's going to be hard going for all concerned if you don't!

I'd say rudeness isn't acceptable under any circumstance!

usefultoken · 17/05/2017 19:11

It sounds like your parenting style plus his natural character had led to crossing a line at school, and you need to work with them on this and it sounds like you are very willing to. I do find it unusual that hr is better behaved at home than school, mine are the other way around! Sounds like he could be bored, maybe situations could be handled better by the teacher?

Squishedstrawberry4 · 17/05/2017 19:12

You need to support school and reward him at home for good school behaviour. But not punish him at home for poor school behaviour. They should have a handle on him in class and have variousness strategies to hand.

Original poster
Ohcrapbag · 17/05/2017 19:12

I've spoken to him of course but he's logical beyond belief and really didn't think he was being rude by saying he already knows things. In his mind he did ( even when he doesn't )
He says the other children are all like grown ups, don't run or play or be silly, they are serious and play games like chess.
I know he's misbehaving but I can't help but feel quite sorry that he's either supposed to pick from that group or the group or kids he's with and get into trouble.

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 17/05/2017 19:15

The cockiness and rudeness I'd come down hard on; DS1 is the silliest child ever but knows I come down hard if he dicks about in class. At home I tend to pick my battles more but he knows I won't tolerate rudeness at school; it shows a complete disregard for the fact that his teacher is trying to give him an education.

Give rewards or incentives for 'good' days at school; a trip to the park, swimming, a nerf gun battle round the garden, and liaise frequently with his teacher so he sees that 'bad' days in school aren't going to go unnoticed.

I'd back the teacher, though, and show him that you're willing to give consequences for his rudeness. DS1 lost his Xbox in January of last year because he'd taken to back chatting DH. I said to him he'd earn it back when he managed a full 24 hours without mouthing off. It took him til mid-April. It almost killed him, knowing every time he answered back or lost his temper he'd go another day without it but despite the fact he took almost 57 years to learn his lesson he's never been so rude since.

Notonthestairs · 17/05/2017 19:15

Have you had his eyes checked? That might be completely off target but what leapt out from your post was the resistance to reading. Spectacles have made a massive difference to my DD willingness to read.
FWIW my son is an avid reader but that only really happened in Year 3 - started with the How to Train Your Dragon books and went from there.

Aside from that make an appointment with the teacher if you can and have a longer discussion.

miraclebabyplease · 17/05/2017 19:16

He isn't having to pick from one or another. He can be friends with his current friends and not be rude and badly behaved.

Lunde · 17/05/2017 19:17

Has he ever been assessed? My DD1 was a little like this at around this age and has ASD/ADHD

Fairenuff · 17/05/2017 19:20

As long as you keep making excuses for his behaviour he will continue to misbehave. His rudeness will get him into a lot of trouble and people will start to dislike him.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/05/2017 19:21

You have the luxury of spending quality one to one time with him at home. In class his teacher doesn't have that option. "Lively and boisterous", is that your description of him or the teacher's?

elkegel · 17/05/2017 19:21

Also go to an optician that does visual stress tests when you get his eyes tested.

www.irlenuk.com

witsender · 17/05/2017 19:22

I don't think having an opinion is a bad or unusual thing, don't we all want our children to? I also think it should be ok for a child to voice them, politely, in a school setting. They're not raising automatons! Sadly though many adults don't like children expressing unasked for opinions, and depending on his personality you may or may not be too early to start explaining the nuances of what annoys others, even if he doesn't the think he is being rude.

Some kids do find school hard, especially if they have been 'parented' in a way that treats them as equals.

RunningjustasfastasIcan99 · 17/05/2017 19:23

Agree that you should be supporting the school but if there is a massive difference between home and school behaviour I would want to know why. I'd think about getting his hearing and eyesight checked just incase there is an underlying cause that is making it difficult for him to concentrate. Maybe also a home/ school communication book trying to focus on positives might help. Also wouldn't want him sat in class with friends that might be encouraging the behaviour. HTH.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/05/2017 19:24

All the other children are like grown ups and like chess? I don't believe that for one moment. Sounds as though he has labelled them simply because they don't want to be silly and run around the classroom back-chatting the teacher.

I'd sit him down, tell him that, yes, you do care very much what you hear back from school (somehow he may have the opinion that you don't, from what he's said). Reinforce that school is for learning, home is where you can be silly, and, if he thinks he already knows something then he should be quiet and let everyone else catch up! He sounds a bit cocky - or simply scared and masking his fear by being cocky.

elephantscansing · 17/05/2017 19:24

we're always proud of our children for having an opinion and a voice, for not following the crowd or trying to fit it and being happy an individuals however she said it's not being assertive, just rude

This might be the problem. Have you also taught your dc that it's important to repect adults and sit still and listen to them, and that there's a time and a place for various types of behaviour? eg at school no answering back, sit still, listen to teacher, hands up before speaking.

Does he listen to you at home when you ask him things, or does he have the same attitude? Could be because you only ask him to do things he wants to do...

His behaviour is obviously not a phase if it's been going on since reception... Some kids are just not that interested in learning and want to be outside running around instead.

RedScissors · 17/05/2017 19:24

Has he ever been assessed? My DD1 was a little like this at around this age and has ASD/ADHD

This is what gives people with ASD/ADHD a bad name. FGS. If it looks like a dog and barks like a dog, it probably is a dog.

I agree that parenting style and personality aren't helping your little one. It is absolutely not on to speak to an adult in the way your DS has. I would ask the school for a daily update and let him know that there will be sanctions for bad days.

Original poster
Ohcrapbag · 17/05/2017 19:26

I wouldn't say we've treated them as equals, just been allowed to have an opinion and not be " seen and not heard "
My eldest was never like this so maybe our approach just hasn't suited the " spirited " youngest
I'm not making excuses and " lively and boisterous " was her description
I am just embarrassed - asking if we had noticed anything at home seemed to insinuate I should have and I've missed it somewhat when I haven't I don't think

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohcrapbag · 17/05/2017 19:28

He's never been rude to the teachers at all until now!
So it hasn't been " going on since reception "

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 17/05/2017 19:28

Don't agree at all that he should be punished at home for what goes wrong at school...imo it's a crap school that suggests that

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