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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel I'm missing out on so much at ds school

19 replies

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 08:34

Hi
First time I've posted so be gentle lol

We have one son who started school last august and is in primary 1 ( Scotland ) previous to him starting school I worked 5 days a week Monday to Friday earliest start was 7.30am latest finish 6.00pm 9hr shifts between those times.

I applied for flexible working and recieved it. Now i know I am extremely lucky to get school hours in the job I've been in for ten years which is 3 miles from my house. I drop him off everyday and head straight to work and I pick him up 4 days a week ( one day I stay on till 6pm )
However....
AIBU that I can't attend anything during the day? My sons school do have alot of things on in the week and I feel like I miss out on them alot. My parents attend alot and my husbands mum. They both say there isn't a high turnout so that does make me feel better a bit but its hard when he asks me why I didn't come.

I know I can't have it all ways. What is everyone elses situations?
Just on my way out the door so will reply later I havn't disappeared

OP posts:

Waggamamma · 15/05/2017 08:41

It's hard. As you work locally can you use your lunch break to nip out and do school things? Or offer to make up the time later?

I have an hour commute either way so it's a real pain when school put something on for parents at say 2pm or 10am because that's pretty much a full day out of work. Sometimes I can work from home around it but other times I just have to miss it and explain to my son I can't always be there because I have to work and make money so we can have food/clothes/house/nice things.

Your son is lucky that he has grandparents who can go - our sets of grandparents still work full time too.

Original poster

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 08:45

I don't get a break cause I only work 5.5hrs a day. Also the business hours are 7.30am to 6.00pm and it isn't open weekends. I applied for flexible working because I had no one to drop off and pick up my ds so there isn't an option to make up anytime i take plus I do no overtime so don't have time back sitting either I could take

OP posts:

Original poster

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 08:47

Yes he is very lucky that his grandparents can attend.

My parents are both retired. Dh mum has just gone back to work after quite a bit of time off so she won't be able to help anymore and his dad works full time.

OP posts:

ANiceSliceOfCake · 15/05/2017 09:31

In the nicest possible way, try to look at what you have got, Not what you haven't got. You work school hours so can be there to drop off and collect, you child has grandparents. That's amazing!! I work 5 days a week full time. I'll have to do breakfast club and after school clubs. My boy has very little extended family as my patents passed away. BUT we make the weekends super fun, he loves nursery and is so happy.

Don't beat yourself up as there's always someone who is worse off. Look at all what you can do. And just enjoy it.

Original poster

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 15:31

Very true its just hard trying to explain to him why i havn't made it yet another school event

OP posts:

228agreenend · 15/05/2017 15:37

Can you book holiday, or go into work late and work later?

Trb17 · 15/05/2017 15:46

I work school hours so I just try to take a couple of half days each year to attend an assembly or concert or whatever. DD knows I can't attend everything so quite often I find another mum who is going that DD knows and ask them to give her a wave and take pics. Life's a balance and it's good that DD learns that imo.

Original poster

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 16:25

I have booked all my holidays for the year which is requirement at my work as its a first come first served basis. I can't work later unfortunately as I need to pick my son up from school.

I will just need to get over myself and be grateful for what I have.

OP posts:

Laiste · 15/05/2017 16:32

It is hard. I had 3 at primary all together, and needed to work so ended up getting a job as a TA there for 8 years to get more involved!

(i'm not flippantly suggesting that you should do the same, i'm just saying how much i get how you feel)

sailorcherries · 15/05/2017 16:32

It is a pain and yanbu in feeling the way you do.

I teach and know that after mat leave I will miss a lot of school events for DS1 and DS2. DS1 is in Primary 2, and during this time I've been very fortunate with my leadership. One head allowed me to start late on the first day of school to take DS to his first day. They also allowed me to swap my non-contact to attend sports day and the nativity. I managed to see DS nativity this year too as a result. I did miss stay and play afternoons, open afternoons, assemblies and so on.
However, after mat leave I'm in another school and I know this will be the end of that. I've been so fortunate and seeing those small snippets was very generous but I still feel upset knowing that I'll be there to see other children do those things but not my own child.

SpiritedLondon · 15/05/2017 16:35

I think it's tough for working parents. My DD 5 goes to an excellent school but they expect a lot of parents. There is an almost weekly expectation to contribute to something or to attend something. Last week was an open class between 3 and 5 which was manageable but the next one is to have lunch with your child. Now I'm guessing there are a large number of working parents who commute into London where we live so I can't imagine many will be able to make it. We also don't have grandparents nearby so no-one can step in for us. Although I appreciate that it's this type of interaction that contributes towards the schools outstanding grading I wish they would rein it in s bit so that children's whose parents work don't feel disadvantaged or let down.

Original poster

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 17:42

Our school has soft start every Wednesday morning and soft finish every Friday afternoon. Theres a school picnic and sports day coming up this month. Does seem like alot sometimes

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 15/05/2017 18:03

I'm a teacher and only part time but i still miss out on things. If I had a different job i think i would make a decision to take holiday once or twice a year (or me once and DH once) but you will miss some things. It would help if they published the calendar so that you could make a decision and let work know well in advance but we get letters a couple of weeks before the event which is annoying.

Just seen your update, does soft start mean they can leave early or start late? Every week!? That is annoying. We have sports day and another event in July and my husband is taking one off and the other is on a day i don't work but otherwise it would be grandparents.

Original poster

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 18:06

No sorry soft start means parents can go in for half an hour in the morning and join in with a planned activity. Same on a finish one

OP posts:

yorkshapudding · 15/05/2017 18:07

I can sympathise.
DD is still in preschool and I'm never able to attend open days, concerts, special events etc - it feels like there's something every week and there seems to be an expectation that a parent WILL be available to attend. I work in a school so although I have lovely long holidays, I can't take any annual leave in term time. My contracted hours are 8.30- 4.15 so she's in breakfast club and Afterschool club as well. Her 4th birthday is coming up and I feel really guilty that she's going to spend it in preschool from 8am til I pick her up at 4.30pm

Then I remind myself that i'm lucky to have the holidays with her. Like pp said, you have to focus on what you have got rather than what you haven't. Its difficult sometimes though.

Original poster

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 19:49

Yeah I am very lucky that I managed to get school hours and I am very happy that I don't have to fork out for out of school care

OP posts:

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 15/05/2017 20:07

I think it's worse when they are P1 as you feel there is certain expectation to attend everything but you soon learn that actually very few parents can/do attend these thing regularly and as they get older you stop feeling so guilty about it. My eldest is P3 now and I work 4 days. I rarely drop off, pick up or attend things as her little sister has quite a few health issues & appointments that use up my day off and all my goodwill time off at work... But she is less bothered nowadays and I try to attend evenings fundraisers/weekend summer and Christmas Fayres and she is happy with that. So don't be hard on yourself, you do the best the you can and that's all you can do.

GaelicSiog · 15/05/2017 20:12

My work comes in cycles. Sometimes I get to go, sometimes I don't. I just explain to her that not everyone's mammy and daddy can come to every school event, I point out that plenty of other kids' parents don't make it.

With that schedule it's only going to be SAHMs or parents with very flexible jobs who make it though. I really wouldn't worry.

Original poster

Allyg1185 · 15/05/2017 20:33

Thanks guys I'm feeling better about things now

OP posts:

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