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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think making friends at work should be easy.

20 replies

Singyourheartout · 14/05/2017 23:35

I know this is not an important thread but i have bad anxiety and it's starting to make me worry. Started a new job at pub/restaurant with a big work force. I have only had 3 shift but been to 2 staff events as well. But I am finding it hard to connect to anyone and more often then not i am left sitting there watching. I have tried to corner into the convos but they have all known each other for a long time and find it hard.
I don't want to appear cold or rude or unsociable. Is there anyway to get into these clicks as it's quite isolating. I'm a bit of an intervert and maybe reserved so finding hard to get into this extrovert environment. How do I cope with this Or any other advise on what to do?

OP posts:
NonStopDisco · 14/05/2017 23:49

I always find it difficult in established work places until I've had chance to talk to people one on one, and even then I struggle in the large group situations.
Sorry that's not much help.

Original poster
Singyourheartout · 14/05/2017 23:51

Nonstopdisco it's actually a great relief it's not just me! I was beginning to feel abnormal 😪

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/05/2017 23:51

you are just a bunch of people employed by the same company - if you have something in common above that then you can possibly make friends. Great when it happens of course but it's okay to tolerate colleagues too

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 14/05/2017 23:51

It just takes time, and even more time if you're quiet or anxious.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/05/2017 23:54

And you won't get into the 'cliques' until people get to know you. Although by calling them cliques, you don't sound like you like them a lot anyway.

Original poster
Singyourheartout · 14/05/2017 23:57

The thing is they are all friends and seem to snapchat and message eachother a lot so appear quite close. It just makes me feel like an outsider.

OP posts:
Original poster
Singyourheartout · 14/05/2017 23:59

I will try and be more open with myself. Oh I do actually like them, they are nice and do ask me questions but they don't seem to lead into a full convo. Clique was just the best word to discribe it.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 14/05/2017 23:59

Sorry that sounded harsh - it's just that I think a lot of people associate the word 'cliques' with the mean girl type groups, excluding people.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/05/2017 00:01

If they are all friends it sounds like they are trying to include you, but they are getting to know you first. A lot of people are wary about newbies, particularly at work. And it may have taken a long time for their friendships to develop or they may know each other outside of work etc.

Be pleasant but not too open - let things develop naturally

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 15/05/2017 00:02

Singyourheartout I started a new job a couple of months ago, OP, and they're all in group chats and so on together.

It really is just going to take time. Just hang out with them when yo can, chat to them, eventually you'll be seen as one of them.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 15/05/2017 00:03

Not being unkind, but at the moment you ARE an outsider, because you've not been there long. Over time this will change.

Firstly, my advice is don't expect work to be your social life. If it ends up being, then great. But you're paid a salary, so concentrate on earning that. If friendships come later, then that's an added bonus.
For now, focus on doing your job well, and be friendly and approachable. Don't expect more for a bit.

Work dos - most of us (esp me!) feel like a spare prick at a wedding.

Until you fit in and it's natural, I'd say go to approx 1 in 5. That way you're not being stand-offish. Make excuses as to why you can't be there for the rest.

Things will change.. the longer you work there the better you'll know people, so the more you'll have to talk to them about. Good luck!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/05/2017 00:06

And try not to get too involved - as PP said, go to say 1 in 5 at the moment and take it from there

purplecollar · 15/05/2017 00:06

It's much harder when you're there sporadically. But as pp says, focus on doing a good job, being fair. The rest will come in time.

BackforGood · 15/05/2017 00:07

If you've only done 3 shifts - and, I presume most of the time most of the staff are interacting with customers - then you wouldn't expect to have become great mates with people. Some of them might have known each other for ages. You've said they are nice and talk to you. It's not a singles meet up, it's work. People sometimes become good friends with colleagues over time, but it's not the prime reason for being there, and friendships take time to develop.

Original poster
Singyourheartout · 15/05/2017 00:10

Thank you so much! It helps a lot to know! I will try just being friendly and making small chat from know on. And you right I should focus on earning money! I'm a bit of a people pleaser and I worry what people think I will try and be a bit more relaxed

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/05/2017 00:11

My one golden rule when I change jobs is to keep fairly quiet for a couple of weeks to see how the land lies, what people like/don't like etc

Original poster
Singyourheartout · 15/05/2017 00:19

Liviadrusillaaugusta that is really good advice!!!!!! That will be my plan. I'm just hoping they won't begrudge me being quite but I'm sure they won't. I think they could proberly tell I'm nervous or shy... hopefully haha

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/05/2017 00:25

They won't begrudge you being quiet at all! In fact it's better than being loud and full on Blush which I used to be Grin

Tbf you sound lovely and I'm sure you will be accepted in no time!

Original poster
Singyourheartout · 15/05/2017 00:28

Thanks you!!!!
You have all made me feel so much better!!!! Especially you liviadrusillaagusta!!! I think my anxiety just got the better of me for a moment Blush I will work on it

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/05/2017 00:29

Fwiw I have terrible anxiety too - I can guarantee that you are being far more harsh on yourself than they will be Flowers

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