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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL and rude / sexual comments

25 replies

LovelyBath77 · 14/05/2017 19:21

Apparently he upset a previous girlfriend by some of his comments and not sure if he patted her on the bum in passing or something. But he is very rude and says sexual things. The family just seem to let it go.

For example. At the dinner table. Family gathered- often says "oh Knickers' (not that bad). To me and young 20s niece "Oh you're having an orgasm over that!" (we looked at each other mortified).

Last weekend, was bad, I was commenting on a local farm doing chicken golding sessions for people with dementia and he said something about "preferring pussy stroking sessions".

It's just grim. In fact he often turns things round to sexual innuendo. I feel sorry for MIl...but no-one says anything!

AIBU to put up with this without saying anything...but what would you say?

OP posts:
AfunaMbatata · 14/05/2017 19:22

Has he always been like that or is it new? Just thinking it could be a sign on dementia if new

AfunaMbatata · 14/05/2017 19:22

Of*

ShoutOutToMyEx · 14/05/2017 19:24

Oh God. How utterly grim.

I'd probably ask him if he meant to sound like such a dirty old man. And tell him he'll get himself arrested if he keeps going round speaking to women like that.

But subtlety is not my strong point!

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/05/2017 19:25

It seems to have got worse recently and have noticed some memory loss..he was asking the age of one of the DCs at the weekend, which I thought was a bit odd.

He has always been a bit this way but has worsened recently.

I noticed MIL looking over worriedly at the not remembering the DCs age. He has dementia in the family (his sister and mother had it) and is in early 70s.

Do you think it could be that?

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/05/2017 19:26

Shout out those are good ideas, I could say those things perhaps. sweetly and with a smile.

OP posts:
ShoutOutToMyEx · 14/05/2017 19:28

Your update changes things OP. Yes, could definitely be that.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/05/2017 19:30

Oh dear, that's a worry. I didn;t realise it could be that. Why do they get all sexual then? A sort of lack of awareness or something? I hope it doesn;t get worse and he starts doing dodgy stuff...poor MIL.

OP posts:
maras2 · 14/05/2017 19:33

What is your DH going to do?

FlossyMooToo · 14/05/2017 19:34

Its due to lack of inhibitions and propriaty dimentia erodes it as well as affecting memory. Sad

Your mil needs to take him to the GP asap.

AfunaMbatata · 14/05/2017 19:35

Encourage him to go to the doctor, saying inappropriate things is very common in people with dementia as well as memory loss.

Best wishes

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/05/2017 19:40

He's totally stubborn and even when had a chest infection would not go to the Gps until developed pneumonia, they had to send him to hospital. Also very proud. Cannot imagine MIL getting him to the GP.

Oh dear.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 14/05/2017 19:44

Then maybe their adult children need to step up and support mil.
Your fil probably wont think there is anything wrong with him so wont seek help.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 14/05/2017 19:47

Hmm. Methinks adult children will be in denial. He has always been a bit like this, they would probably just say it's how he is. I guess it may get worse though. He is still working and they have a business. Still managing that full time. And he has always been a bit like this. It might not be. Not sure.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 14/05/2017 19:54

Nah he sounds like a dirty ole man . I would avoid him like the plague

Ceto · 14/05/2017 19:57

Can they ask the doctor to go to visit him if he won't go to the doctor?

Hulababy · 14/05/2017 19:57

Could be the early signs of dementia; especially if it is worsening.

Symptoms specific to frontotemporal dementia:
www.nhs.uk/Conditions/dementia-guide/Pages/symptoms-of-dementia.aspx

FlossyMooToo · 14/05/2017 19:58

Well you know him better than us so use your judgement OP.

Avoid him if he is just creepy.
Encourage his family to take note of his possible ill health if you think something fould be wrong.

QuietNameChange · 14/05/2017 20:01

If he's always been like that? Then it obviously isn't dementia.

I have some relatives like that... And some of them simply got bolder when they got older. Not because they had dementia but because nobody ever had ever said anything before... So it emboldened them.

It's grim. And I wouldn't feel comfortable having him around my DD. She shouldn't have to hear things like this from her own relatives.

LilaBard · 14/05/2017 20:01

Either way I think, if you have a good relationship with her, you should talk about it with your MIL. Maybe you could say you are worried he will say something to the wrong person and get in trouble, or ask if she feels he is getting worse or has noticed his memory going a bit and offer to go with her to the GP to discuss it if she is worried too?

AddToBasket · 14/05/2017 20:18

It does sound like it could be dementia. What does your DP say? Your MIL? I think you need to discuss it as a family.

GnatsChuff · 14/05/2017 20:18

My FIL has dementia. It has completely removed his filter and he makes a LOT of filthy comments now that he used to be able to restrain himself from. He has no idea he is being inappropriate. On the now very rare occasions we eat out with him, we always have to take the waitress aside and warn her that he has dementia and try to prevent direct comments etc. It can be awful, but he genuinely does not see that what he is saying is wrong any more.

In view of his age and the worsening, I would definitely suggest he needs a check up. It may be not be dementia, he might just be an arse, but it is easier to forgive if there is a medical explanation.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 14/05/2017 20:31

My mum had this problem with her FIL (my grandfather) when she was first married to my dad. He used to pat her bottom rather than make lewd comments. She told dad she wouldn't go to the PIL's place any more if he wasn't asked to stop. FIL did not have dementia in any form. Dad must have had a word as we did used to visit them as a family and Nan was a dream cook! This was the 1950's, BTW, when this sort of thing was much more common.

If your FIL is checked out medically and found not to have dementia, I'd tell your husband you are not going to see your PIL's again unless someone does some hard talking to the man. These comments are totally inappropriate and you shouldn't have to suffer them.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/05/2017 21:20

Increased sexual statements/interest is definitely a sign of dementia. When my mum was in the early stages she became completely obsessed with the idea that men were 'sneaking in her room' at night and 'sexing' her (we think she meant rape) and she'd lean over and say to me that my brother was 'sexing' every woman he spoke to in her presence. When we moved her into a care center she kept complaining that the male residents were 'touching her '.

This is a woman who was too embarrassed to explain the 'facts of life' to me when I was ready for the birds and bees talk.

If it is dementia there really isn't much you can do about it as they really aren't cognizant of the inappropriateness of their statements.

My suggestion is that you google the signs of dementia/alzheimer's and have a long and serious talk with your MiL.

Newark · 14/05/2017 21:30

Agree that it could be dementia. Either way, I think you should be having a good hard talk with your DH rather than your MIL, at least in the first instance. It's his father and his mother, you're his wife = his duty to ensure that his father is receiving any necessary medical check and you're not receiving any unavoidable inappropriate comments.

Pickofthepops · 14/05/2017 21:35

My FIL was like this bless him. Not always, towards the end used to talk about his girth and a girl he knew before MIL 'I kissed her and I thought she was going to have an orgasm'. How he couldn't perform and explaining to DH what buggery was and in a lot of detail. Poor soul, for him it was a symptom of prostate cancer drugs and a second cancer
, maybe dementia too. Was excruciating tho. He chose me for lots of these explanations.

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