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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would you do if you were me?

12 replies

BrightonBelleCat · 12/05/2017 19:12

I have 3 dc, middle dd has add and some sensory processing disorders. Dp has 1 dc that lives with us.

Dd likes to keep herself to herself she stays in her room a lot playing or drawing. I would like her to integrate into the family a bit more. If she does against her will she is prone to meltdowns and argues with her siblings and dss.

Dp thinks I should leave her be and let her keep herself to herself. I think the more that she is shut away from the family the less this helps her have a normal family life and think she has to try and integrate somehow. She is becoming more and more isolated.

She has now said it's too noisy in the lounge and wants to eat separately in the kitchen.

Dp says if she is happy then let her I worry about her being isolated from the rest of us.

What do I do?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 12/05/2017 19:15

Surely it's best to seek professional advice here?

I think he's coming from a good place and equally I can see where you are coming from but best to see the pros imo

GeillisTheWitch · 12/05/2017 19:15

I'd let her do her own thing most of the time but have a once a week family games/movie night that everyone gets together for. I would be encouraging her to eat with the family though and ask the other DCs to be mindful of the noise levels. I think her time on her own to destress is important too though outside of planned family time and mealtimes.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 12/05/2017 19:16

We are not under any doctors anymore as she is not medicated CAMHS no longer want to know.

OP posts:
Mombie2016 · 12/05/2017 19:18

Please don't force her to socialise when she doesn't want to. My Mum could never give me even 5 minutes in my bedroom, I had to constantly be downstairs "with the family" and it was fucking awful for me.

HildaOg · 12/05/2017 19:24

Leave her be. That's who she is. It's torture being forced to be around other people all the time when you don't want to. She needs her space, let her be happy. If you want her more socialised why not get her involved in a hobby with peers who have similar interests? Friends outside the family are far more interesting than siblings who you're stuck looking at all the time.

JoWithABow · 12/05/2017 19:24

Is there a charity that supports the condition your child has? Perhaps they have a helpline or local suppport group with parents of children with the same issues?
My instinct would be to find a way of helping her interstate, be that just starting with small amounts of time together, wearing ear defenders, or something like that and then gradually try and increase it. Or try and minimise triggers etc. I think it's far better to try and find ways for your child to live and cope in the real world (in a gentle, slow way) rather than accept things and go for the easy option of letting her exclude herself.
That said, I don't have any specialist knowledge in this area, or any personal experience, so could be completely wrong! I'd definitely be reaching out to other parents with similar children and asking their views.

JoWithABow · 12/05/2017 19:25

Interstate?! I meant intergrate

MrsBobDylan · 12/05/2017 19:26

My middle ds has ASD and likes to be alone in his room for long periods sometimes. Then, he will play for an hour in the garden with his brothers. He also likes to eat separately but joins us when he wants to.

I have never forced him to do anything other than what he's comfortable with and that means when he feels ready, he knows he can join us again.

I would say to let your dd do what she feels comfortable with. I know it can be hard at times though.

MyKingdomForBrie · 12/05/2017 19:29

I agree don't force her. Maybe one of you could eat in there quietly (as in silent unless she chooses) with her, if you're concerned and she'd be comfortable with that? Otherwise just let her be and let her know you're there for her.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 12/05/2017 19:31

Thank you for all your kind replies. I just don't want to isolate her or make her ever feel isolated. She seems so unhappy sometimes I just want her to be happy.

OP posts:
welovepancakes · 12/05/2017 20:18

What a tough situation. Sounds like you and DP are both trying hard to support her and do the right thing. When it's hard, I hope you will hold on to that. Not everyone has a supportive partner who is trying to help

I'm not sure that you can rely on help from strangers on the internet. perhaps better to seek out support groups, your GP, follow up support from CAMHS, advice from school, or family or friends who know your circumstances better? On the one hand, good to meet her needs. On the other, good to encourage her to venture out of her comfort zone

jajabonks · 12/05/2017 20:25

One of my dc is the same and really benefited from
Cbt. Dc would not go out out, school was extremely difficult and was fearful of how life would be be for dc1. Please seek out some support from any local charities that could help with that, it may be a long waiting list but it can help so much. Also if you can find strategies that can help the family as a whole with routines etc that will include everyone/things you can all do. It is tough and with some support you can get through the other side x

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