Owning a baby is dangerous?!

[ProudBadMum]

Opening the tin lid off the baby milk and I have sliced my thumb open. It's stings to fuck and is bleeding!

It's like the daddy of all paper cuts!

Baby's dad slipped on baby wipes packet and nearly knocked his self out on the coffee table.

I have been head butted, nipped, had my neck grabbed, ears and hair pulled by said baby.

I have burnt my fingers plenty of times by getting bottles out of the steriliser too early.

Plus I've hit older child with pram a few times as it sometimes just turns.

Now she's in a walker and my heels are terrified!

Maybe I'm just not doing it right I suppose

They definitely should come with a health warning! 😂

I was going through JustGiving and did a few donations. This one poor newborn was on a playmat and a relative slipped and fell on the baby. I thought how awful.

It made me grateful those days of them being small are gone.

I can't even remember anything apart from fishing steraliser dummies out of the steraliser that did it with steam. That's a bloomin' art!

I totally agree, I have slipped on wipes, also water that was poured from a baby cup and been head butted just this morning - bloody lethal these little ones!

I have a sore eye and a nice long scratch from throat to cleavage after DD "loved" me this morning (she thought she was cuddling me, but it actually turned out to be a head butt and a clawing, definitely time to cut her nails).

Agree.

I'm starting to think it doesn't get any better as I've nearly tripped over the 7 year olds trainers that are outside the cupboard...

Opening the door and putting them is obviously hard work

The playmat one also reminds me of the time DP came in just after DD was born, bleary eyed with shatteredness because DD didn't sleep at all unless she was on one of us and preferably my boob, carrying a pizza - and inadvertently stood on one of our two budgies :(

Fortunately he was bare footed at the time, so he felt it and didn't put down his whole weight. After a trip to the vet and a stay in a vivarium being hand fed, the budgie was, and is, absolutely fine.

My wallet was £500 lighter. Bloody budgie only cost £15 in the first place. So yes, babies are dangerous to own, and expensive!

We had a flying poo accident, that was funny. Until all the furniture needed moving to get at it.

I was easily entertained, we had a jumperoo and I just thought DD looked so funny hopping from leg to leg.

Actually my near miss was trying to get DS into a baby carrier. With a wiggly baby.

Then on holiday I picked up DS in the shower, not realising heavy toddler plus water = slippy.

The bathseat we had was lethal. I liked it when DD had a bath in the sink when she was older and started to try and wash up.

Or the time DS had a bit of a jiffy tummy, i wasn't that fond of sick back then. He'd had spaghetti hoops and was chasing me round the garden whilst laughing and being sick. That was pretty traumatic.

Oh and injections, I cried so hard for both of them. Evil Mummy.

With DS I was an anti bac fiend. I remember getting annoyed that he'd been taken to drop off a card through the letter box of a house with a bug. The first question I asked was, did you steralise the letter box!

I once leant across the landing, leaning slightly on the baby gate to put a big sheet of glass down on the floor (old glass shelf) to take downstairs the next time I went down. Baby gate gave way and I dropped the shelf which smashed to bits, splicing my hands, luckily not too severely. Later that day - putting a wash on of pooey baby grows and the bottom of the box of washing powder fell out, powder everywhere. In a moment of unthinking insanity, decided to scoop the powder off the floor with my spliced hands. I blame the baby entirely for this

They're dangerous little things for sure. The worst for me was when my DS was about 6 months old and he smacked a glass of water while I was drinking it - I now have 1 and half front teeth instead of 2... The bloody glass didn't so much as chip!

I recall the sleepless BF nights and never knowing exhaustion like it.

I have the ultimate parent / toddler bedtime trick. You 'hire' an invisible monster from the monster Nanny agency. Get DC's to name it. You assure them that friendly monster won't allow nasties in as he has magic powers. Also that said monster would let us know if the children got out of bed.

I loved DS explaining Harry to DD. You've got to be good or Harry gets sad.

Got a photo the first time DS had to wear uniform to school, he's pointing to Harry who is also ready for pre school and is going on his monster motorbike.

Maybe I'm crazy and too imaginative. But it honestly works. Harry would take part in bath times and do bubble beards.

Oh the baby gates!

When my son was small I had one at the bottom of the stairs. One day I slipped at the top of the stairs on a small car, it may have been strategically placed, and rolled down the stairs

I took the gate out like a bowling ball

DS headbutted me in the mouth 2 days ago - so hard I actually cried.

Whilst getting ready to go to Afghan, my mate limped in sporting a black eye. 'We will be fucked if the taliban are armed with Lego' was all he said.

Ha ha! It is dangerous!

I swear that trying to drive with two demanding under 5s in the back should be part of the official driving test!!

Renaissance2017 - that's hilarious!

And once they get out of the danger baby stages..... its time for the "lets give mum a heart attack" phase....
We've had trips in ambulances, and an air ambulance trip, as well as holidays cut short because of accidents. drawers pulled over because they decided to make a den and didn't believe any of my warnings (luckily the drawers landed on the bed so didn't squash them....but i was in a right state!!!)

and yes the big duplo you can spot easily is replaced by the evil tiny stuff that hides in the carpet ready to jump out and burrow itself as deep into your foot as possible. Or even better is if you manage to find it with your knee while kneeling.

oh and the "lets get a puppy, it'll be good for the kids" phase... yes the puppy now sits strategically behind me so when i turn I fall over her...she flops down on my feet and lands full on my foot with her elbow...and drops her bone on my little toe....

Oh we have had the ambulance meningitis scare a couple of month ago.

Yesterday she found the smallest piece of wrapper and choked on it then acted like nothing happened

My toddler gave me a mild concussion by lovingly smacking me in the temple with a wooden shape sorter.
The following weekend I was feeling better and took the children to a birthday party. Ds2 decided he wanted to play underneath the trampoline so I dived forwards to catch him before he got squashed.
Right at that moment another child fell against the safety net, clonking me hard on the head in the same place.
Ds2 also punched a fresh cup of tea out of my hands and it went in my eye.
Mostly its germ warfare though. Snot factories, the pair of them!