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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she is bu in asking this?

23 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 27/04/2017 16:43

Dp got a call from his ex gf recently saying that she wants dss to start calling her dp (soon to be dh) 'daddy' and was asking if dp is ok with this. He isn't at all but agreed because he didn't feel like he really had any say in the matter as if dss/ex wants to do it they will just do it when he isn't around.

Aibu to this she is really U in asking this? I could understand her wanting this is dss was a baby and was going to grow up thinking of her dp as his dad, or if dp didn't see dss and so wasn't in the picture but that isn't the case at all. Dss is nearly 9, dp has dss every week, pays cms every single month and is very much a part of his life. Aibu in thinking this is out of order?

OP posts:
Sunnydaysrock · 27/04/2017 16:46

Yes i think it's odd, especially as DSS is 9, how does he feel about it?! Your DP really shld have said no, he has every right.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/04/2017 16:48

Well yes it is given that your dp is still very much his father and plays an active part in his life.

Unless they intend to chivvy him into calling the new partner daddy then I'd think most 8/9 yo's would have developed an understanding of who everyone is. It'll be confusing for the poor mite and even detrimental to be confronted with having 2 fathers, as it were.

PeachPants · 27/04/2017 16:48

Oh I feel so sad for the child!! Just because 'she wants dss to start calling her dp (soon to be dh) 'daddy'' - has anyone asked the child what they would like? I can't imagine my 9yo DD to just go along with that, but then she is quite headstrong.

I really feel for your DP, this must be horrible for him.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/04/2017 16:51

Refrain from being confrontational for now. It's not as easy as declaring to an 8yo that 'X is now daddy' and have them follow suit. Yes dss might acquiesce as he's essentially still a child but it will raise questions for him.

Better to frame it to him as he has many people that love him and a bigger family. Don't let on to dss that this is crackers as fuck.

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/04/2017 16:54

Yes she is. My DS calls by dh by his name and his father Dad. My DSS calls his mother Mum and me by my name!!

NellieFiveBellies · 27/04/2017 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cuppaoftea · 27/04/2017 16:56

What the child wants to call his Stepfather is what's important, not what the grownups around him think he should do.

You say soon to be DH so I presume her partner has been in her son's life a while. Perhaps your DSS sees him as a second Father figure. Do they have any children together? It was when we got married and I had my second daughter (first with DH) that my eldest daughter started calling him Dad all the time too.

GooseFriend · 27/04/2017 17:00

She sounds a bit of a numpty. Surely you just ask a 9 yr old what they want to call their new STEPdad rather than issuing a royal decree.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 27/04/2017 17:01

I think its made a little bit awkward because dss keeps being told (by wider family members) that I am not his stepmum yet because I'm not married to his dad (although we are engaged) and that 'X' (mums' dp) will be his stepdad only when he gets married to his mum. So right now we are just 'X' and 'Sharkira' to him, but then there is this magic line that will be crossed when both couples get married to covert us to stepmom/stepdad.

Fwiw whenever dss asks me questions about it I just say that labels aren't important and that is really doesn't matter what I'm 'called', I'm just 'Sharkira' and as long as we get on and have fun together that's what matters!

I'm not going to intervene between dp/ex gf as it's not my place but I could see dp was hurt - he thinks she only said it to get a reaction out of him. The timing is quite good though, given that she is getting married soon. Dp feels pushed out, like he is being replaced a bit in dss' life.

OP posts:
Ikillallplants · 27/04/2017 17:02

I presume she is fine with you being called mum also?

Ellisandra · 27/04/2017 17:06

Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair and tell her no, he does not agree with it.
Even if he thinks it will happen anyway.
He should state his opinion in as calm a way as he can.
Sounds unlikely to me that a 9yo who sees his father every week would be wanting to call his stepfather "daddy".

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 27/04/2017 17:08

I did say that to Dp plants Grin

The difference is I would not be comfortable with someone else's children calling me mum, maybe something else of their choosing that is equivalent/a nickname etc but I'm happy with just 'Sharkira' as I'm respectful of the fact I am not his mum.

Ex and dp have been together 3yrs ish, they have a 1yr old (her Stbdh was borderline the OM when Dp & ex broke up, as in, she moved him in the same DAY they broke up!)

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 27/04/2017 17:30

I'm not surprised you DH is not happy with the idea. I know he has said yes, but I do think he could speak to his ex again, explain that he was a bit taken back when she originally asked.

I feel the best action might be for him to let her that although he doesn't want to fall out over it, but after thinking about it he does feel pretty uncomfortable with the idea, but also focus on what's best for your DSS and how he feels and what he may want.

SilverBirchWithout · 27/04/2017 17:34

Hearing that they have another child makes me think that part of the ex's rationale maybe that she wants to ensure that DSS doesn't feel an outsider in their family unit. Which is not unreasonable, but again it really should be about what DSS wants.

PeachPants · 27/04/2017 18:19

In a way I'm now thinking, has she done this to annoy your DP (if she's that type of person she is)? If so, your DP will have done exactly the right thing, as in 'being the bigger person' and not rising to the drama she was hoping to create. At the same time it IS up to the DSS about whether he does use 'daddy'. So your DP could be in a win-win situation.

As I say though, that's if she is that kind of person.

littlehandcuffs · 27/04/2017 18:29

Maybe ask her how she would feel if you were called Mum, that might put it into perspective for her. It's not a reasonable request and she should not encourage it.

Original poster
SharkiraSharkira · 27/04/2017 20:49

Peach, that is EXACTLY the kind of person she is. Dp even said when she mentioned it that she was only saying it to get a rise out of him. Which normally would kind of piss me off but in this instance he just looked so sad and defeated Sad I can't imagine how I would feel if my ex allowed, let alone encouraged my dcs to call someone else 'mummy'.

I think he didnt say anything about it because he likes to present a 'stiff upper lip, she doesn't get to me' kind of attitude.

OP posts:
PeachPants · 27/04/2017 22:56

Fingers crossed that DSS will be completely against the idea, but by the sounds of her personality she won't even give the option.

Your poor DP, he must be heartbroken Angry

UppityHumpty · 28/04/2017 01:34

Dd calls me mum but I raised her not dh's ex. I think it's odd she wants your dss to call the other guy dad. Bet she'd hate it if your DP called to demand he call you mum. Can't have one rule for dads and another for mums - unfair.

sailorcherries · 28/04/2017 02:43

I'm on the other side of the fence, my DS asked my OH what the new baby would call him and we replied with "dad/daddy". My DS then asked if he could call OH by the same (he had always used OHs first name until this point). We didn't force the issue and have certainly never 'made' DS call him that. He chose to off his own back because, and to somewhat paraphrase "it means I'll feel more like a brother to the baby". My DS is 6, almost 7.

I think you need to establish whether DSS wants to call this other man dad/daddy, for his own reasons, before gettinf annoyed at her. If it is DSS choice then there's not much to be done. If it is the ex forcing things then I understand.

And no, my child won't be calling OH something slightly different because in his eyes the baby won't be calling him that name and therefore it's not the same.

Ellisandra · 28/04/2017 07:15

sailor what does your older boy's father think about that?

toastyarmadillo · 28/04/2017 07:48

I would definately point out your fine with that so long as you can also be called mum, if her new dp is called dad. Bet she changes her mind pretty bloody quickly then.

ProudBadMum · 28/04/2017 09:16

Tell her that's great and you can't wait to be called mum

Your DP needs to tell her not a fucking chance. It doesn't matter if they have a kid together.

My son calls his dad, dad and my partner who I have a baby with by his name.

I hope the 9 year old looks at his mum and says why, he ain't my dad and looks confused.

People are weird

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