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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your opinion on which sperm donor to choose

23 replies

SoSoConfused · 17/04/2017 20:09

Posting for traffic here because I am so confused.

The last 3 weeks DH and I have been going back and forth between 2 men for our donor. Guy #1 sounds so kind, open minded, driven, well travelled, and he has the most touching letter for the potential child. Sounds like he's donating for all the right reasons. He doesn't sound very academic though.

Guy #2 is very bright, academic, successful, high intelligence, but his letter is more casual and not as touching, though he still sounds like a nice guy.

I honestly cannot decide. If I decide Guy #1, I am afraid I am missing a chance to have a bright, beautiful child. Intelligence is very important to me. If I choose Guy #2, I keep thinking if/when my child wants to contact his/her bio dad, he might be missing a chance to have a bio dad who is kind and caring. Guy #1 looks more like DH.

I am so confused what I should do and the longer we wait we might miss out on both :( Help!

OP posts:

FanaticalFox · 17/04/2017 20:13

It doesn't matter
Your child won't reflect either man most likely as they'll be raised by you and DH. but I'd go for number 1!

CatTheMouse · 17/04/2017 20:14

There is something about this post that really puts me off being able to answer reasonably.

YABU to ask people to help make this decision I feel.

hellopeoplehowareyou · 17/04/2017 20:14

I would definitely go with guy#1

Reasons are

-he looks more like your dh.
-he sounds kind.
-intelligence isn't everything, sometimes passion for life is what drives you forward.
-intelligence isn't always passed on, and your child may not be born 100% healthy (sorry to put a dampener!) and having a bio dad who is passionate about his offspring will be more rewarding for the child in the long run.

Finelinebetweenchaos · 17/04/2017 20:14

I would say go with your gut instinct but don't get too hung up on perceived intelligence as so many factors go into that! Not least recently there has been quite a bit of news saying that it's the mother who dictates intelligence rather than the father!

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.independent.co.uk/news/science/children-intelligence-iq-mother-inherit-inheritance-genetics-genes-a7345596.html%3Famp

Good luck OP!

pushingthroughcracks · 17/04/2017 20:16

You're choosing a donor, not a dad.

PaperdollCartoon · 17/04/2017 20:17

The vast majority of academic ability is learnt not innate, parental involvement and early experiences are very important. Pick no.1.

user1471558436 · 17/04/2017 20:24

It sounds like guy 1 has emotional intelligence. Guy 2 has academic intelligence.

Original poster

SoSoConfused · 17/04/2017 20:29

Thank you ladies for all the answer so far, I really appreciate it. DH is as torn as me but he seems to want to go with Guy #1.

CatTheMouse, obviously I am not going to decide solely on Mumsnet consensus. I'm only asking for some inputs, especially if there are parents out there who have experienced this difficult decision. I know no matter what, we will love OUR child.

OP posts:

anonNorth85 · 17/04/2017 20:30

What sort of people are you? Pick the one that matches your personalities not what you're not. Then, should there be any genetic link in personality & intelligence he/she will align with your family.

DearMrDilkington · 17/04/2017 20:31

I'd choose kindness over brains any day of the week.

It's a much more important trait to have.

allowlsthinkalot · 17/04/2017 21:02

Intelligence is far more than academic ability. There are plenty of people with academic ability who have closed minds and lack critical thinking ability. And creative thinking, thinking outside the box, reflectiveness, ability to apply oneself...aren't innate abilities. Your child, whatever paternity, will have a genetic inclination but personality, psychological and environmental factors will strongly affect how that is expressed.

I would think carefully though about your attitude towards academics. You can't plan your child's future before they are even born. And pigeon holing a child as intelligent or not intelligent could have far reaching consequences. Also, your child could have a learning disability, a specific learning difficulty or a physical condition affecting cognition. Is that going to affect how you feel about your child?

Lemonwhacker · 17/04/2017 21:02

To be honest there is no right or wrong answer here, as you and DH will be raising the child together.

My DW and I were inundated with offers from sperm donors initially. However, two donors caught our interest, but one suddenly disappeared so we spent months talking to the other donor before starting our journey.

As I was carrying it was less about looks and more about a good personality and intelligence, I am happy to say our donor had the whole package. At least to us, he did. We consider ourselves very lucky that he wanted to donate to us.

I suggest going for the donor with the most positive and warm qualities, trust your gut instincts. After all, she will have half of his biology.

curlii103 · 17/04/2017 21:31

I think lots of your personality is shaped by your parents so you don't need a nice guy per se. I'd be tempted yo think you can raise a child to be nice but you can only teach someone so much if they're not naturally intelligent.

Screwinthetuna · 17/04/2017 21:44

I'd go with the one who looks most like your husband. The 'well travelled' thing wouldn't come in to it as obviously that can't be passed on. My priorities would be family health history, looks (including that they look like my DH) and then intelligence. Good luck

Crochetty · 17/04/2017 21:47

saw an article the other day that referred to evidence that intelligence is more associated with the mother anyway... go #1 for emotional intelligence and similarities to DH as PP have sais

Crochetty · 17/04/2017 21:48

*said

Rikalaily · 17/04/2017 21:50

Guy 1, because he sounds like a lovely person... Also because it's now thought that intelligence is passed on from the mothers genes only

Lonelymummyof1 · 17/04/2017 22:00

See my daughters dad is ugly inside and out.
Yet daughter is beautiful and smart with a heart of gold.

limon · 17/04/2017 22:33

SouthWestmom · 17/04/2017 22:45

No 2. All he's offering is some stuff your kid may inherit. You can teach open mindedness and kindness.

Original poster

SoSoConfused · 17/04/2017 22:49

Lonelymummyof1, it's lovely that hear that about your daughter :)

Maybe I value intelligence because I have been told I am academically gifted and it opened many doors for me from scholarsihps to career. But saying that of course I will love the child regardless.

Neither DH or me has been a parent and we have had a few failed IVF using his sperm which was difficult emotionally. This is our first IVF with donor, that's why we are so nervous and fearful to be very honest.

OP posts:

UppityHumpty · 18/04/2017 00:16

I don't believe intelligence is about nature, it's all nurture. So it won't really make a difference

haveacupoftea · 18/04/2017 00:20

It doesn't really matter, the child will be unique no matter what. I would go with number 1 though.

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