To not want an early birthday present

[Beachturtle]

I have recently taken up a new hobby and was about to buy a couple of pieces of new kit before going on a short course next month. I can afford said kit myself with no impact on family finances. It is my birthday in 3 (yes three) months' time. DH has just presented me with the hobby items as an early birthday present from him and the DC. . Wrapped and everything.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? I had seen a lovely piece of jewellery which I would have loved as a birthday present from DH, on my birthday. But now I've had my present! Which I was going to buy myself anyway. so I guess I buy myself the jewellery. I know it works out the same but feels like the romance is missing a bit... and DH is really pleased as he's done a nice thing and I do get that it's a nice thing but... someone hand me a grip?

It seems a bit tight. Why couldn't you have it just because, instead of a birthday present a quarter of a year before your birthday?
I'm not particularly into birthday gifts, tbh, and would hardly care if I didn't get any; but getting something three months before my birthday and having it randomly called a birthday present would really annoy me.
I don't even know why

Had you said that you were going to get them yourself? It's pretty annoying if you've said "i'm gonna treat myself to x" and then he gazumps you so he doesn't have to think of something himself later. It would be understandable (and v sweet) if you'd said something like "oh what a shame I can't get this before my course" but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Personally, I'd give him a big hug, tell him he knew full well you were going to buy all that anyway, that you'be reimbursed him & that it's back to the drawing board in 3 months' time

I would find that really thoughtful!
Supportive of your interests, getting the kids involved, buying and wrapping - not just lazily saying "put it on my card and I don't have to think about your birthday now".

Context is all!

If he's usually lazy - hang him.

If he's usually good, thank him and come back to it a week later to say it's not something you'd like to happen again.

It wasn't a birthday present when it's 3 months early, I bet he will have forgotten about it by then, my dh bought me a bag once a month before my birthday while we were shopping, then totally forgot he had so bought me something else lovely for my actual birthday, hopefully that will work for you too. I do understand where he was coming from though and it was a thoughtful gift.

Surely in 3 months he won't remember he bought you this stuff and he'll get your jewellery then?
It sounds like he's joking about this having any relation to your birthday.

Why would it be a joke and why would he forget?
I once bought my boyfriend an expensive sports event entry fee for his birthday 9 months early!
He was bowled over and neither of us have forgotten.

Just talk to him.

Lots of other threads on here about DH's who either don't buy gifts at all or buy unsuitable underwear or things like a new iron.
Your DH got you something that he knew that you would like, knew that you needed it now before your course, wrapped it nicely and got the DC's involved.
You do sound a bit unreasonable!
Also you have decided already what your DH should be buying you for your birthday so it sounds a bit like even if he had given you something on the day if it wasn't what you wanted you still would not be happy. Given that it's not exactly going to be a surprise! If you want the jewellery and can afford it just buy it for yourself and don't try and pretend that it's something thoughtful that your DH has picked out for you.
Sorry to be harsh but you did ask to be handed a grip.

I think we need to know what the kits is OP.

If it's something that's hugely expensive and you would have to budget for, then I suppose this is OK ish, as he probably thinks you need it now before the course starts. Even then, a discussion would have been appropriate e.g. "I would really like one of those x, maybe get it for me as an early birthday present please DH"

If it's something that would not make a dent in the bank balance particularly then I would be livid because who does that? He will have to do something on your birthday as well or that's just plain rude.

But why did you have to call it a birthday gift, Ellis? That's the weird thing, not that you bought him something great.
Could you not have stretched to another gift nine months later?!

Dear OP, YAdefinitelyNBU!

Almost the exact same thing happened to me, and it still rankles 17 years later. With me it was four months before my "landmark" birthday, and XH had previously said he'd like to mark it with a good piece of jewellery, so he gave me a price limit and asked me to choose what I wanted. I did, and he knew what I'd chosen, but hadn't bought it yet as, well, it was still some months away.

Then one day, while in one of those little old independent chemist shops in another town, I came across some bottles of my favourite perfume which was discontinued and I couldn't find anywhere else for love nor money. I immediately grabbed everything they had, and while in the queue to pay XH said, "I'll pay for that, it can be your birthday present". I declined, saying I thought I was getting the jewellery and anyway I wanted to use it now, but he was adamant that he would pay, and keep it for four months till my birthday. I didn't want to argue in the shop so I let him pay, but then he took the perfume and said he couldn't afford the jewellery now, so this was my "big" present.

When the day finally came I thought there would be some additional surprise like a diamond bracelet but no, it was just the perfume, handed over still in the chemist shop's paper bag. I guess we both knew that wrapping it would have been adding insult to injury.

So I don't think you need to get a grip, I know exactly how you feel. I feel insulted all over again just typing this. At least you got to use you gift now, and don't have to wait three months for it, but make sure he knows you are expecting the jewellery too!

I honestly think it's a bit weird to buy someone a gift 3months before their actual birthday! Who is even thinking about birthdays that far in advance?? Does he get nervous about getting you the right thing?

Probably best to just thank him and then mildly point out that you would have been happy to buy it for yourself.

As others have said, in the light of DPs aplenty who forget and/or give no thought to presents your DH sounds better than alright.

Nevertheless I TOTALLY get it. But...if you were going to pay for this kit stuff yourself, perhaps you could buy the jewellery for yourself on your birthday. Not quite the same, I'll grant you, but you're still ahead!

Happy birthday when it comes

thefairy. That's a really shitty stunt. I think I'd have hit him over the head with each bottle, one at a time.

Fairyfeller that has brought an ACTUAL lump to my throat. I am not surprised it still rankles.

Don't get me started on my 16th 18th and 21st non birthday presents from my parents! (years and years and years ago!!!)

How shockingly awful thefairys. Did he ever explain why he did that?

No. That's not on unless you are ridiculously hard up and you agreed to it. I'd give him the money for the craft stuff just to make the point.

Haha, my inlaws did something similar to my husband recently. He's 40 this year, and they bought some books they knew he wanted (but didn't need urgently i.e. they could have kept them for his birthday). They gave them to him 6 months before his birthday, unwrapped, with the comment 'That's your 40th birthday present'. I'd be less offended on his behalf if they hadn't paid for a weekend away for his brother on his 40th as a lovely surprise!

Yep, you definitely need to get a grip. He listened to what you were interested in, got the right stuff and involved the kids. There wouldn't be much point waiting till your birthday to give it to you if you are starting it now.

You sound like a bit of a spoilt brat, stamping your foot (even if only metaphorically) because you wanted a necklace not the hobby stuff. Buy yourself the necklace if it's that important to you. I actually think that stuff you can use and the fact that he was listening when you told him about it, is far more "romantic" than a bit of random jewellery.

I'd hate this. When DP and I buy each other presents we don't try and stick them on birthdays or Christmas if they're months away. I like a present on my birthday and a present on Christmas Day thank you very much.

You are right to feel a bit miffed but the gift was kind and well intentioned, and you wanted it and needed it. Your DH sounds a good un. Drop a few hints about the bracelet nearer your birthday.

It just seems weird to me for adults with their own money to go through a whole charade of linking up their normal day to day spending with Christmas and Birthday presents, it's just so pointless.

You wanted some craft items, so you were going to buy them. Pretending they were for your birthday is just odd but he's done it because the actual act of choosing a present has been done for him, which takes away any notion that they are a present IMHO.

This is why you should just stick to token consumable presents for adults and then people buy their own hobby items themselves as and when they want/need them.

How shockingly awful thefairys. sad Did he ever explain why he did that?

No, but I soon learned. He resented me for something I won't go into here, and this was the first "punishment" of many that would lead to us eventually splitting up.

Generally though, I think a lot depends on how you interpret the idea of a gift. If you are about to buy something for yourself then someone else says they will pay for it, even if you don't want them to, then I suppose that is a gift in a literal sense, even if there is no element of surprise or delight in receiving it.

I generally don't bother about the value of a gift; I'm usually just happy to receive something I wouldn't normally buy for myself, like a box of chocolates or a DVD. I think in my case it was the idea of having something special and significant, specifically offered and carefully chosen, then having that taken away and replaced with something day to day that I was about to buy anyway.

I know some people who think a gift should be a surprise item, and feel miffed if asked in advance what they want, and still others (like the XH in question) who hate surprises and want full control over what was given to him. Believe me, it doesn't half take the pleasure out of giving, when the person marches you to the shop, picks up the item for you and leads you to the till to pay. Or buys the item themselves and asks you for the money.

I guess that ultimately giving a gift is to make the recipient happy, and it seems that you have to know them well to do that effectively, whether it's the item or the method. It sounds, OP, like we both married men who don't quite get us!

I think it's kind of sweet. But then I know that DH would do this, then feel bad near my birthday and get me something anyway. If you think this is just your OH getting himself off the present hook, that's different.

thefairy