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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Staying in shape in marriage/relationship

12 replies

BlueDaisies · 06/04/2017 14:41

I'm genuinely interested to hear points of view.

Since meeting my DH 8 years ago I've gained around 2.5 stone, I don't particularly carry it well- it's definitely noticeable as a 2.5 stone gain would be! Happened gradually over the years. DH is a lovely man and assures me he isn't at all bothered by this, other than the fact it is now bothering me, still fancies me etc and I believe him.

However it did get me thinking...would he really be unreasonable if actually he was bothered? Should we make a reasonable physical effort to maintain what we presented when we met? (ageing aside obviously and reasons whereby weight gain/physical changes have not been avoidable such as health issues). I'm talking where the weight gain was gained through laziness and too much eating out!! We have no children together either so it's not baby weight.

My opinion is that I can do what I like with my body- cut my hair, pierced it, tattoo it, gain weight, lose weight, it's mine. I do however think that if my DH didn't like it he would not bu.In all honesty I don't think I'd like it if he gained 2.5 stone- I'd still love him, obviously, but physically I'd probably fancy him a little less if I'm being honest and I think that's reasonable. It would bu if I loved him less because of weight gain.

Waffling now so I'll stop...thoughts please?

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 06/04/2017 14:43

I think people think that being bothered is wrong because relationships are meant to move onto a more spiritual love. A deeper attraction should be present after many years together.

ohdoadoodoo · 06/04/2017 14:45

YANBU to think that way. I think it's important to make an effort and to continue to try to look nice for one another.

Racmactac · 06/04/2017 14:48

I would be bothered if dh put lots of weight on. I love him but I wouldn't fancy him or want sex with him if he was fat.

I myself have put about a stone on over the last few years and I know I am fatter than I was and I'm doing something about it.

A little bit of extra weight is fine but where would you draw the line ?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 06/04/2017 14:51

Well it's very common for people to gain weight as they age. Staying fit and healthy is good for you personally though. If someone got upset about a 2 stone weight gain I think they'd struggle to find deep meaningful relationships with anyone.

I'd worry about my DH's health if he was overweight, more so than his appearance.

amusedbush · 06/04/2017 14:56

I've never been slim and fit. I was a fat teenager, I was a size 18 when I met DH five years ago and I've struggled with my weight my whole life. I lost control last year and went up to a size 20 but I'm now sitting around a 14.

Yes, I'm overweight. No, I don't care enough to ever be a size 8.

I know that DH prefers me around a size 12/14 and reluctantly admitted that he didn't fancy me as a size 20. I was upset but I wasn't angry at him for feeling that way.

BaronessBomburst · 06/04/2017 14:57

I don't think there's a line to be drawn. More shades of grey as black changes to white. You fall in love with and marry a person as they are at a certain point in time. They'll change, you'll change, and sometimes the changes are so great that they will no longer be someone you can love, or maybe you'll love them more. That applies to everything about them, not a weight gain or loss per se.

Bisquick · 06/04/2017 14:57

Interesting question. (And placemarking so I can read others views).

As a thought exercise if you married someone and your OH then put on weight can you find them unattractive? What if they put on the weight because of a health issue? Or just because of takeout? It seems reasonable to be miffed if your partner is just eating junk all day, while you go to the gym and eat right. But isn't it just about what you find arousing - regardless of whether the extra pounds are because of birthing children or McDs?

Similarly I often see threads where a partner is upset their OH has stopped having sex / initiating intimacy. Of course we all agree a person (usually a woman) shouldn't be coerced into sex - but at what point is a person not a complete bastard for saying this isn't working out because you never want sex anymore?

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/04/2017 15:18

It wouldn't bother me if my OH put on a couple of stone, but if they put on so much weight that they were virtually unrecognisable from the person I met them as then, honestly, it would. Same as it bothered me when his personal hygiene got a slack and he started going around with uncut hair in scruffy old clothes (ex-p). I couldn't bring myself to fancy him when he was a smelly mess.

OhHolyFuck · 06/04/2017 15:29

What about the other way? What if the person you're with suddenly lost weight or hit the gym and bulked up?

noeffingidea · 06/04/2017 15:57

would he really be unreasonable if actually he was bothered?
No he wouldn't be unreasonable. We can't help feeling attracted to certain looks, body types, etc. What matters is how he would handle the situation, how he would address it with you, possible reasons for the weight gain, etc.

PinkHeart59156816 · 06/04/2017 16:02

I can see where you are coming from.

If I stopped getting my hair down, wearing nice clothes and gained weight I would be completely different to the person dh has known all these years we've been together and i think dh would love me no matter what but I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to fancy me a little less

I will always love my dh but if he put on a lot of weight I can't say for sure that I would be as sexually attracted to him as I am now and for me I need sexual attraction in my marriage.

anon050 · 06/04/2017 16:21

When DH and I met, both of us were a bit over weight. We have both lost weight since meeting and both are interested in being healthy.
I still haven't reached my ideal goal yet but I feel so sexy and comfortable in my skin because DH makes me feel sexy. So when I get to my ideal goal, I'm doing it for myself. DH isn't into skinny women, so it's wonderful to never have that pressure of having to maintain a certain weight. I read about some women having DH's criticising their weight gain because they were slim when they met or having to have the lights out in bed or never been seen without makeup. It makes me realise how bloody lucky I am!

If you are with a guy that only likes women thin, then that's going to be a problem. Gawd help you if you get thyroid issues or can't quickly lose the baby weight or end up with some other medical issue. If DH were to stop losing weight while I reached my target, I'd still find him sexy because he was larger when we met and he is very attractive looking anyway. And what makes him really sexy is his my soulmate. And because sex to us is mental and spiritual, looks going wouldn't stop the sex.

However, if I was with someone who wasn't my soulmate and best friend. Just someone I settled for and quite frankly not much going on in the relationship. If his looks went downhill and I no longer wanted to have sex, then it would be the final nail in the coffin for the relationship.

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