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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think this will is fair?

33 replies

ABasicBitch · 03/04/2017 17:44

So background dh has two dc (ds and dd) and I have two boys.

This is what dh thinks Is fair either me or dh passes away the surviving partner gets everything. Then when the sole partner dies it will be divided between all four dc.

I am against this I have money I've inherited including a property that I don't want dh's dc to get a share of it because why should they.

I think it should be split and be given to dc in trust when the dc die.

OP posts:
witsender · 03/04/2017 17:45

Depends, does he bring anything to the marriage?

I think you can specifically exclude family money.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2017 17:45

It's not fair anyway, because what if either of you remarried after the other died?

I think you should leave the house you live in to all four children, but leave your money wherever you want to. Would that work?

SpreadYourHappiness · 03/04/2017 17:45

YABVU. I'm with your DH; that's the fairest thing. Sounds like you don't like your stepchildren very much.

Dozer · 03/04/2017 17:46

How old were your step DC when you married, and how old are they now?

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2017 17:46

Why should she leave her other house to her step children?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 03/04/2017 17:49

Your inheritance was given to you by your relatives. . Ones who don't know your dsc so you are right it doesn't need to be shared out to them imo. .
They will inherit from dm +df family will they not anyway?
If they have your share then that's 3 shares!! When your own dc will have only yours and df inheritance.

Boonegirl · 03/04/2017 17:53

It could be even worse if the surviving spouse remarries and subsequently dies as everything could go to someone else entirely! It is a difficult one but you might want to make some provision in your will for DH's children with the bulk of 'your' money going to your DC. You must expect DH to make a will in a similar manner of course. A modern-day dilemma - you need a good financial adviser who specialises in this type of inheritance planning.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2017 17:57

The thing is that there's nothing stopping the surviving partner from selling up, downsizing and spending the difference, is there?

Dozer · 03/04/2017 17:59

Yes, leaving absolutely everything to the spouse is risky.

khajiit13 · 03/04/2017 18:00

Are your DC your OH's children? I think that makes a doffernce

HecateAntaia · 03/04/2017 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EggysMom · 03/04/2017 18:04

Whatever happened to "what's mine is yours" and "with all my worldly goods I thee endow"?

When did it turn into "what's mine is yours, except for what I inherit from my family, that's mine alone (and won't be shared with any children you might have had before you knew me ..)"

If DH's parents win millions on the lottery and then suddenly and tragically die before spending it, would you be happy that your own children were excluded from inheriting that money simply because it came from his side of the family?

MachineBee · 03/04/2017 18:10

Please make sure you look after all your children. My exH died suddenly having always intimated to my DDs that they would be looked after when he'd gone, only to discover he'd left everything bar to his new DW. He didn't even name them in his will. This really hurt them as they felt they meant nothing to their DF.

My DH and I have set things up so there is life insurance to the value of what our house is worth for each of us so our DCs get something immediately, mortgage protection to pay off mortgage and our wills state the surviving spouse can remain in the property as long as they need to but on departure it is to be sold with half of the proceeds going to the deceased's children.

And yes, all our DCs are named in our wills. Smile

lessthanBeau · 03/04/2017 18:14

My mum and her partner had mirror wills , leaving each other everything, then to be split with us 3DC, 1 mutual DC, partners DD and me. My mum died last year, and I've just found out from dsil that before my mum was even cold I'd been written out of the remaining will. My late dB and I always knew he would do that if dm went first, think carefully about what you do. My dh and I have mirror wills too, you have to trust your partner to do it though.

NapQueen · 03/04/2017 18:16

I think if one goes then their estate should be immediatly split with half going to the partner and the other half split equally between the deceaseds children.

As and when the other person passes they give to their own.

wherearemymarbles · 03/04/2017 18:20

DO NOT HAVE MIRROR WILLS IN A BLENDED FAMILY - EVER!!!

If you die 1st nothing stopping dh giving everything to his 2 children and visa versa.
Or getting remarried and have a mirror will and his new wife gives it all to her children.

Threads come up here and over sites and are populated with hundreds of posts from people who have been disinherited by step parents.
If you talk to a solicitor they will tell you just how often the surviving spouse in these siuations ignors the wishes of the deceased spouse to some degree or other.
Personally i agree with you. I dont see that his children should automatically benefit from your inheritance.

OllyBJolly · 03/04/2017 18:21

Whatever happened to "what's mine is yours" and "with all my worldly goods I thee endow

This is fine when it's a first marriage and the only DCs are of the marriage. it gets more complicated when there are second marriages, step kids etc.

I didn't marry DH until my DCs were older teens and DD1 was at university. We lived separately until then. They have a great relationship, but he was never a "Stepfather' figure. My house was paid off, he had his own house which he now rents out. DCs DF is producing siblings for them at a rate of knots - and his DW is same age as DD1 so not much chance of inheriting there.

The deal is that my DCs inherit what I have, and his DNs inherit what he has. I know too many cases like Boon describes.

happypoobum · 03/04/2017 18:23

YANBU - no way would I agree to this.

A good friend of mine had a mother who came from a very wealthy family. When she died she left everything to her DH who remarried. The second wife had a will which split everything between my friend, her three siblings, and her own two children.

As soon as friends father died, second wife changed her will and when she died, all the money went to her 2 DC. The estate was over £3 million, most of which came from friends mother. She and her siblings never saw a penny of it.

I would leave everything in trust for your DC.

BadKnee · 03/04/2017 18:25

Do not risk leaving it to DH. So many stories about the surviving partner having promised to share between kids either:

Remarries, dies and his new wife, (random woman with zero connection to any of the DC) has all the money. She may even have her own DC to leave it to.

Finds relations getting difficult with teen/adult step DC and decides that they don't deserve it as relationship breaks down.

Needs it all for lifestyle/living abroad/care home costs

The only way to protect it is to leave it direct to your own DC

Obvs see a lawyer to protect DH's interest as well.

Werkzallhourz · 03/04/2017 18:36

If everything is left to the surviving spouse, you risk your dcs being disinherited if you die first. It is as plain as that.

This happened to my DM and her siblings. As soon as my DGF died, his partner rewrote her will so that only her children inherited the estate she had inherited from my grandfather. It was quite a lot of money, and the situation was made worse by the fact that my grandmother had had to take out a second mortgage on the old family home to buy my grandfather out when he left and it was that money that formed a major part of my grandfather's estate.

I've known of some horrendous situations. If your spouse inherits everything, there's nothing to stop him turfing your kids out of the house on the event of your death. I've known that happen to a pair of siblings.

What is yours must go to your children and visa versa.

QuackDuckQuack · 03/04/2017 18:40

DO NOT HAVE MIRROR WILLS IN A BLENDED FAMILY - EVER!!!

It probably isn't a good idea in non-blended families either. While they might not be blended now, there's no guarantee that they won't become part of a blended family after your demise.

AverysillyoldHector · 03/04/2017 18:47

Just to say that we used Marlow Wills which is run by a Mumsnetter. Yvonne was really good at setting out various options and helping each of us to decide what to put in our wills in a similarly complicated scenario. It was all done by email and post, really fast and very reasonable too. Thoroughly recommended.

wherearemymarbles · 03/04/2017 18:49

We dont. Kids get half the house and some other assets if one of us dies or this reason.

It may sound harsh but if my wife died and i remarried I would not trust my new wife to put the interests of my kids above hers no matter what she might say. Equally i would not expect her to trust me either.

BastardBloodAndSand · 03/04/2017 18:50

I'd keep it separate too. Your step children will have a mother who they'll inherit off as well, I can't see her including your children in her will Hmm

phoenixtherabbit · 03/04/2017 18:54

YANBU. I think.

I'm having this issue.

Me and oh jointly own a house, we have one ds together and he has two children, but sort of three. We only see the youngest, he lives with us. Basically two of his kids are biologically his, the third was his step son in his prev relationship so the brother of his bio kids.

I think, if I die first, I want 'my half' of the house to go to my ds, and then oh can do what he likes with 'his half' and any other assets.

The way I see it is, my ds will only get half of one house. His kids will each get a third of their mums house and whatever part of dps half he chooses to give them.

It's not that I dislike my stepchildren, I don't. But I don't see why they get should get a quarter of my house as well as a third of their mothers, while my son will only have a quarter of one house. Does that make sense?

I dunno how you would even make sense of this to write it down. Would do have to stipulate in his will that half the house goes to ds and then whatever he wants of the other half Goes to whoever he wants?

We haven't even written wills yet. Dp doesn't seem to think it's important. The thing is though if he died first, I'd get the house because it's both our names on the deeds, then when I died ds would get everything anyway. So Mr I'm reluctant to write a will is being an idiot really.