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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that someone from the school should have informed me

35 replies

User998877 · 30/03/2017 16:08

My dc are two of a handful of mixed race dc in their school.

Today ds (9) with ASD had a disagreement with another dc from his class, as children do... The other child ended the argument by saying to my ds...

"Well at least I don't have Autism, brown skin and big afro hair"

DS doesn't lie, due to his ASD he is brutally honest at times, so I believe him. Apparently they were both told off (fair enough) for arguing, but nothing was said to this other boy for his comments towards ds.

I've just tried to ring the school but has gone straight to messaging... I'm surprised no one from the school has rung me.

OP posts:
Afreshstartplease · 30/03/2017 16:10

Maybe the teachers don't know what was actually said?

refusetobeasheep · 30/03/2017 16:10

you've done the right thing in contacting them - until you hear what they have to say is impossible to judge if their response has been good enough. no way should your DS be hearing s@@t like this.

Porpoiselife · 30/03/2017 16:19

What did your DS say to the other child before he responded with: "Well at least I don't have Autism, brown skin and big afro hair"

Kids will pick on any difference because kids can be very cruel. My son is blue eyed and blond hair but has a small birth mark on his face, he gets called all sorts of things.

steppemum · 30/03/2017 16:31

well, whatever the lead up to this, it should be logged as a racist incident. All schools have to keep a record of such incidents.

To be honest, I would want to know what the lead up was. Ds once made a horrible comment, however it was in response to an equally vile thing said to him. His reasoning was that he was being as mean as the other kid. The teacher saw it as povoked and logged it, and both boys were spoken to about their language. It was out of character for him.

Trifleorbust · 30/03/2017 16:35

I'm not sure they should have informed you until the facts had been established. I would be surprised if they told you the exact comments, but they should tell you another student made comments of a racial nature. They should also tell you what your DS said.

Porpoiselife · 30/03/2017 16:40

Yes definately speak with the school, but keep an open mind as to what may have gone on beforehand and as both were told off, it sounds like it was dealt with. My son was in an argument (age 9 also) and he ended up told off and the other child didnt, because my son called him Fat and Stupid. However the actual argument went like this (My son has a birthmark on his face):

Other boy: Shit face, Shit face, Someone shit on your face, hahahaha
My Son: Its a birthmark but at least I'm not fat and stupid like you.

Apparantly calling someone fat and stupid is not allowed but calling someone shit face because of a birthmark is.

(This kids wasnt particularly fat but it was all my son could think of as a retort apparantly.)

Original poster
User998877 · 30/03/2017 16:43

Ds told the other boy off for not letting him play in the game of football and kept telling him to let him join in. Ds told him he was being mean, which is when boy said what he said to ds

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 30/03/2017 16:46

Nobody should be calling anyone names and telling off is in order here but this is technically racist abuse and needs to be logged.

Birdsgottaf1y · 30/03/2017 16:47

""well, whatever the lead up to this, it should be logged as a racist incident.""

Not unless the investigation shows that it was.

Kids try to better each other when arguing. If the OPs DS had said "you can't play football and you're a Ginger", then the retort isn't racist, it's just pointing out the others physical traits.

That needs tackling from both sides, but not from a racist slant.

Making fun of a disability is as wrong as racism.

Original poster
User998877 · 30/03/2017 16:49

They were made to apologise to each other.

OP posts:
steppemum · 30/03/2017 16:55

Birds - well, ds got called Ginger, and he called the other kids Paki in response. Ds comment was logged, the ginger comment wasn't as it is not considered racist.

The teacher accepted he was provoked (he got a lot of teasing for being ginger and was very sensitive to it, which the other boy knew) and didn't take it further than a telling off with the boys, but, as a racist name insult was used, it apparently had to be logged.

Racmactac · 30/03/2017 16:55

My ds was told to go and eat curry and come back from where he came from. And some other comments about colour of his skin. He ignored it for a while but it didn't stop so I spoke to head.

She read this kid the riot act and threatened that he would be the first one ever in the racism book.

Thing is ds is white !

But not acceptable and really upset ds so I sympathise

user789653241 · 30/03/2017 17:02

I think this is very delicate subject.
My ds is a mixed race child, and I have heard him being a target of sort of racist comment.
Yes, it's horrible, and if it's done maliciously to hurt him repeatedly, I have no problem raising to school.
But sometimes children say things out of frustration, without thinking about seriousness of it.
I would like the school to address the issue, make them understand it's no right, but not make it a huge thing for the first time, for the sake of the child. If they learn the lesson, good, problem sorted. If not, maybe they need more consequences.

Moanyoldcow · 30/03/2017 17:05

I seriously can't believe there are people on here minimising a racist incident. The child's response was to very emphatically suggest that having brown skin and Afro hair meant OP's son was somehow 'less' than him. This will almost certainly have come from casual racism at home.

This whole 'kids pick of differences so it's not racism' is lazy.

Are you honestly telling me that valid response to being called 'mean' is 'I'd rather be mean than mixed or have a disability'?

Fuck that shit.

MrsTwix · 30/03/2017 17:11

It should be logged as a racist incident. It's also disability hate speech. I'm not sure if there is a log for that.

chocolateworshipper · 30/03/2017 17:20

If that was what was said, it definitely needs to be taken seriously, because of both racism and disability discrimination.

The other boy could be found to have broken the law under The Equality Act 2010 which makes it illegal to discriminate because of disability. Discrimination includes “unwanted behaviour linked to a protected characteristic that violates someone’s dignity or creates an offensive environment for them."
As your son has a protected characteristic under the Equality Act 2010, the other boy could be subject to section 146 of The Criminal Justice Act 2003, which provides for increased sentences for aggravation related to disability.

StewieGMum · 30/03/2017 17:22

Even if the child didn't understand his comment the school should treat it as such so the child fully understands the words he used.

Original poster
User998877 · 30/03/2017 17:31

I know that ds told him he was being mean on a number of occasions... as I said he is able to repeat what was said word for word.

I appreciate that this would have been annoying for the other boy but I have a child now who is asking me if it is a bad thing to have ASD and have brown skin with afro hair!

So yes, whilst I agree that kids say all sorts to each other when arguing, this boy is hearing this language from somewhere and regardless of his age is completely unacceptable and I for one don't believe I'm being OTT here.

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 30/03/2017 17:37

You aren't being OTT at all.

inanutshelle · 30/03/2017 17:42

OP you are not being OTT at all here....make a log of it and any future insults this kid dishes out and go to the head and complain tommorow. Sending a clear message that this is totally unacceptable is the only way this will stop once its started. i have 3 mixed race kids and have had to tackle shit like this all through their school lives... take it as high as you need to untill it stops XX

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 30/03/2017 17:42

I think this needs to be delt with properly. Racist, ableist comments are not the same as a bit of name calling, and it's really important that the other child is pulled up on it and told how wrong it is, otherwise how will he learn.
Hope your son is ok op

inanutshelle · 30/03/2017 17:53

I am not surprised that you werent informed about it though,primary schools especially seem keen to put racist remarks from kids down as them just not understanding the full implication of what theyve said BOLLOCKS, it comes from attitudes they have picked up on at home which they believe are correct so it is vtally important that they are told in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated or accepted on any level. hope your son is Ok OP X

CheWasABitOfAHomophobe · 30/03/2017 19:00

I don't know why everyone's so keen to have this 'logged', whatever that means.

I remember having to deal with a child calling another girl a n**r. When I finally got out of him what it meant, it was someone with red hair. Ginger (to rhyme singer).

Children should be taught not to be mean to each other but they're children for fuck's sake.

The 'yes, that one's a wrong 'un' tribe on MN seems to be very vocal!

Original poster
User998877 · 30/03/2017 19:38

Che your example is hardly the same, it was clear was this boy said was meant in a derogatory way.

The school has only this week done a talk about Autism and have covered racism well, IMO a child of 9 should be well aware what they said was wrong.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 30/03/2017 21:27

I'm surprised the school haven't jumped on it. DS's last school were massively heavy on anything potentially racist, as have been pretty much every school I've ever worked in.

In face DS's last school was so heavy/paranoid I had to intervene when a child who my DS had kicked (unprovoked) was getting in serious trouble for calling him "the boy with the chocolate coloured skin" when she didn't know his name. The school were beyond amazed when I asked them what they planned to do to punish him for the kicking part because they were so lost in the racist angle (ignoring the fact that she said the three boys involved were "the boy with the chocolate coloured face, the boy with the blue glasses and the boy with the torn jumper" so she described them all by the thing that made them stand out to her 7year-old self).