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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Working away on boyfriend's birthday

32 replies

ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 20:08

My boyfriend of two years occasionally has to work away in another country and I have no issue with this as all. I show interest. I am currently in my final year of an OU degree, which I started six years ago. I encourage my boyfriend to do things with his friends when I am studying, for example, to book a hotel with his mate and go and watch the rugby.
Today, I came home and explained that I had been asked to support a student on a school camping trip as I have a good working relationship with him and we have a complex set of students going this year. It will be for three nights. He became really annoyed when he thought this might be on his birthday and I became cross. Huge bust up. AIBU?

OP posts:
Happyandhungry · 29/03/2017 20:11

Yeah YABU to not remember it's his birthday. If you'd started the conversation with him by saying "it clashes with your birthday but don't worry I've got plans to do something nice for you the weekend before your birthday" etc then he probably wouldn't have minded.

CMOTDibbler · 29/03/2017 20:11

YANBU. Being away for 3 nights around an adults birthday is really no problem, and the fact he was 'really annoyed' isn't good

HelloSunshine11 · 29/03/2017 20:11

Is it on his birthday or not? I'm confused.

Original poster
ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 20:18

It's not actually on my boyfriend's birthday but, before checking the dates, I suggested it might be. However, I have no control over the dates and it is my work. My job is to support students with complex needs and this particular student engages well with me, which is why I have been asked. My issue is that I feel he is making me feel awful about it when I have always supported his trips away. It seems unfair.

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 29/03/2017 20:18

Is he a child? Why does every birthday have to be marked with 'something nice"?

I could'nt stand that level of pettiness, it's just a birthday, I've had more than 40 of the fuckers, staying alive for another year is hardly an achievement.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2017 20:22

Yanbu

Don't go along with one rule for him and a different one for you

And adult birthdays really are just another day. He sounds petulant.

Original poster
ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 20:24

Not forgotten his birthday. I just wasn't sure which week the school camping trip was. He knows I am planning a day out for him on the weekend following his birthday.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 20:24

This is exactly how I felt so his response made me angry and I'm afraid I didn't manage it well.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 20:28

That's it exactly. I encourage him to go out and have fun when I am busy. I don't think it's fair to expect him to stay in whilst I'm being boring and studying.

Thinking back, he became annoyed a couple of months ago when I said I was going to the coast for a couple of nights break with my uni books as I needed some time out to focus on my studies and needed a change from the same four walls.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 20:30

That's it exactly. I encourage him to go out and have fun when I am busy. I don't think it's fair to expect him to stay in whilst I'm being boring and studying.

Thinking back, he became annoyed a couple of months ago when I said I was going to the coast for a couple of nights break with my uni books as I needed some time out to focus on my studies and needed a change from the same four walls.

OP posts:
Allthebestnamesareused · 29/03/2017 20:30

YANBU

Birthdays can actually be celebrated on other days if they have to be celebrated at all!

ImperialBlether · 29/03/2017 20:36

He's selfish, isn't he? Was he considered the golden child when he was young?

Original poster
ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 20:40

I told him I thought he was being selfish, to which he replied rather pompously, "Just do what you like" so I said, "I will" then told him to fuck off. He did.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/03/2017 20:53

I think that when someone's a boyfriend, you should be considering how suitable they are for you. You are looking at some major red flags here, yet you have a choice as to whether you stay with him. You've only been with him for two years, so the sunk costs fallacy shouldn't really apply here. You do realise that selfishness is one of those traits that gets worse with time, rather than better, don't you?

RebelRogue · 29/03/2017 20:53

A friend of mine got very very cross because her DH had to work away on her birthday WEEK!!

On a more serious note,it's work! And it's not a matter of just changing shifts or whatever either. He needs to grow up. I never get cross with OH if he has to miss stuff due to work.

Original poster
ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 21:09

Exactly. It's work... and it will be challenging bu rewarding. I don't think he 'gets it'. Making a difference, even a small one, to young people's lives is something I am passionate about. His perspective: "It's not like they won't be fine without you."

On a lighter note, a two year relationship is about the norm for me Smile I'm not saying I'm perfect by a long shot but I don't suffer fools gladly.

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AnyFucker · 29/03/2017 21:25

Then get rid of this fool. Childishness is not an attractive quality in a boyfriend

MrsTwix · 29/03/2017 21:29

He is being selfish

Original poster
ShellyT17 · 29/03/2017 21:34

It's driving me insane... because he's supportive when I am in hospital (I have been admitted four or five times during this relationship). AAAAARGH!!!

Ten weeks until the end of my degree. This is what I need to focus on right now.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/03/2017 13:35

Shelve this issue now and focus on your degree. You will have time then to reconsider.

ThePiglet59 · 30/03/2017 13:38

Men don't usually care about birthdays.
It's probably the fact that you are going camping with another bloke that's pissing him off.

hellejuice91 · 30/03/2017 13:45

If it was on his actual birthday you might be BU. Birthdays mean a lot to some people and I can see why he might be bothered.

Bambambini · 30/03/2017 14:44

He's being silly and childish - it can sometimes take relationships time to settle in. How long have you been together? Me and my husband had some silly little upsets at the start - all settled down now. Just stand your ground and bear this in mind if he continues to be silly.

smallchanceofrain · 30/03/2017 15:12

He's not a child. What a silly thing to have a strop about. YANBU. It's work. You're not exactly dusting off your pulling pants for a weekend away with the girls. Once you have aced your degree you can refocus and have a think about whether you want to be with such a precious poppet!

TheNaze73 · 30/03/2017 15:16

YANBU, your own pursuits are far more important. He needs to get over himself