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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't stand up for me!

23 replies

user1490744254 · 29/03/2017 00:52

Hi everyone

Have just joined but been avid reader for some time.

Would really appreciate some advice on the way my husband treats me around his family.

We were at his sisters birthday do. In walked SIL, cue BiL,(his brother) saying, "here she is our favourite SIL".

I felt upset, there's only me and her as SIL's.

When I mentioned to husband I was upset my his brothers comment he just shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Makes me so angry how he never sticks up for me.

BTW I have been very hands on with his family, nieces and nephews babysitting etc

Am i being unreasonable to expect him to back me up?

Thank you in advance

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 29/03/2017 00:54

I think you totally overreacted.

mumeeee · 29/03/2017 00:56

I also think you overreacted

Original poster
user1490744254 · 29/03/2017 00:59

Gosh, thanks for the quick replies!

How did I over react to BIL's comment?

Just said I felt upset?

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 29/03/2017 01:00

I prefer to stand up for myself. Did you do this?

Joffmognum · 29/03/2017 01:01

My extended family make those sort of comments as jokes a lot. They probably meant it light heartedly. Unless they've shown any other signs of not liking you I'd ignore it.

Sample1936 · 29/03/2017 01:01

Wasn't it her birthday do? Who cares ehat the BIL thinks anyway.

Sample1936 · 29/03/2017 01:02

If you don't feel appreciated then maybe don't put yourself out for them in terms of helping out etc.

Original poster
user1490744254 · 29/03/2017 01:07

Hi HRN

Normally I can stand up for myself. It's weird with husbands family that I find it so difficult to do so.

Ive been married to him for some years now and its not an isolated incident.

I think i'm just lacking in confidence around them.

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 29/03/2017 01:09

I'm failing to understand what was so upsetting about what they said Confused

Crispbutty · 29/03/2017 01:11

And isn't it his sister, not his SIL?

caroldecker · 29/03/2017 01:14

I am nit understanding. Your DH sister's birthday. His brother says 'Here's favourite SIL' to his own sister?

BillSykesDog · 29/03/2017 01:16

It just doesn't seem like a particular insult or particularly nasty. Certainly not something I would expect my partner to jump in on. Not the sort of thing worth an argument or he may not even have meant offence by it. It just seems like a throwaway comment, probably not even aimed at you. It's just one of those things people say, like 'here's our favourite lady'. It's just a compliment aimed at describing someone as 'our favourite'. If I ever hear people use that turn of phrase I don't necessarily think it is excluding everyone else as 'not the favourite', it is literally just a turn of phrase.

You sound like you feel rather anxious around them and are on high alert for perceived insults. Is there a bit of a back story?

JonesyAndTheSalad · 29/03/2017 01:22

Does BIL say other things like that or was this a one off?

GreyStars · 29/03/2017 01:29

Guessing OP's husband has a brother and a sister, and it was at his sisters birthday. The brothers wife or sisters wife walks in...

In either care it does seem on the face of it like you are overreacting, but sometimes the small things, when other things have happened in the past that have made you upset, (you said it wasn't isolated) or your already feeling upset or anxious or anything else really can seem more than they actually are because people are just human.

If every time you see someone they refer to you as lesser as someone else, I can see why that feels like shit, I really can,

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 29/03/2017 01:33

Three possibilities- firstly that it's SIL's Bday and it was a jokey comment, secondly that he knew you were there and it was a jokey comment or thirdly he really hates you and was being mean. Your husbands reaction suggests it wasn't the last option. I think you're probably being over sensitive about this

Original poster
user1490744254 · 29/03/2017 01:41

Thanks everyone

Sorry if I was unclear.

GreyStars, that's more or less it.

She's my husbands SIL, she's not a nice person IMO which is why I was taken aback by BIL'S comment.

All nephews and nieces grown up now. I did a lot of looking after them when they were younger, she didn't.

Guess I am being a bit over sensitive judging by most people's opinions.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 29/03/2017 02:00

If she's not very nice it could have been a sarcastic comment. But you also need to bear in mind that just because you're not keen on someone doesn't mean other people have to dislike them too.

FeralBeryl · 29/03/2017 02:02

Also think it could be dripping with sarcasm if she's known to not be a nice person?

sonyaya · 29/03/2017 02:03

Actually OP I can't see how it was anything other than a very rude comment, unless you have the kind of relationship with him where you banter and it doesn't sound like you do.

Whether it was worth your DH jumping in and making an issue of it is a different matter but I can see why it annoyed you.

SpreadYourHappiness · 29/03/2017 02:08

You're being over sensitive and you over reacted. It's a non issue; there was nothing your husband needed to stand up for you for.

Out2pasture · 29/03/2017 02:12

Maybe the comment was sarcastic to the other SIL?
Do I understand you found the comment disrespectful for all the help you provide the family?
I would expect you to speak for yourself to the person who made the comment. Why would you think your dh, needed to stick up for you?

HerRoyalNotness · 29/03/2017 02:19

Probably was sarcastic then. I return in favour, make your retorts jokey back to them. E.g. I can't wait till my favourite BIL turns up..

Original poster
user1490744254 · 29/03/2017 02:27

Thanks Sony

It felt like a rude comment at the time and there's no banter between BIL and me.

You guys are making me think though.

There are many more times where I've felt let down by OH , I guess i'm a bit fixated on this incident.

OP posts:
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