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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's pretending to be ill?

28 replies

soundsgoodtome1981 · 20/03/2017 17:44

I have had a really bad spate of ill health in the last few weeks, including a kidney infection, heart infection and now tonsillitis.

My heart infection involved a hospital stay, and I was told to rest completely for 2 weeks. We have 2 young DC so I only managed 1 day resting at home and then it was back to normal.

I have been suffering with tonsillitis since Thursday, diagnosed today. I haven't been able to eat for days, am taking painkillers, now antibiotics too, and resting in bed as much as possible. I basically feel like hell.

OH woke up on Friday and declared he had exactly the same symptoms as me. High fever, sore throat, cold sweats, etc. So obviously I didn't get to rest that day as he said he needed the day in bed.

He wanted another day in bed on Saturday but by this point I was too ill and somehow managed to get him to pull his weight, and thankfully my DM stepped in to help with the kids too.

He has been drinking and eating normally the whole time - can gulp down a glass of water in a few seconds for example, and happily munches on toast for breakfast or whatever.

He now says he won't see the doctor as he is starting to feel better but is telling everyone that we both have tonsillitis... it's clear he doesn't.

He has been really unpleasant to me for the last few days because I've needed to rest.

Why is he doing this?

OP posts:
CatThiefKeith · 20/03/2017 17:52

Because he's an arsehole?

ThePiglet59 · 20/03/2017 17:54

Yup. It's because he' a lazy dick.
Do you want to stay with somebody who does this to you?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/03/2017 17:59

Because her's far too special a snowflake to do the gruntwork of parenting - that's what his skivvy you are for. He is a selfish fucker, and he's taking this opportunity to make it absolutely clear to you that you and he are not equal in this 'partnership'. Not by a long chalk Angry.

With you being ill and not taking care of what you normally take care of, it quickly becomes clear how much you do when it isn't done. If he pitches in now, you might have the temerity to expect him to do his share later too Sad. Selfish fucker.

Original poster
soundsgoodtome1981 · 20/03/2017 18:05

I'm the breadwinner, and the kids are at nursery 4 hours a day. So life for him isn't too difficult. Even so I cram a full days work in to 6 hours as he can't cope being on his own for too long with the DCs. If heaven forbid they needed a day off nursery (he would rather send them in poorly) I take time off work or my wonderful DM helps out.

He can be caring some times but I think it must be an act. His mask has slipped now.

His life is given to him on a plate,it's still not good enough.

Whenever I question anything he tells me I'm over sensitive or that I'm trying to start a row.

I wish I could break free from him but our eldest is a daddies girl, a very sensitive child and I'm terrified of breaking her heart.

OP posts:
Phoebefromfriends · 20/03/2017 18:07

Even if he was ill recovering from your heart infection and stay in hospital should take priority. I just can't believe he wouldn't step up and support you after something that could kill you. I think it's time to reassess your relationship and stop pandering to him. Could you stay at a friend's for a few days? You need to be looked after not be a skivvy.

littleducks · 20/03/2017 18:11

This probably isn't the time for LTB advice as you sound really quite poorly but from the sounds of it the logistics of your life wouldn't be harder without him.

Concentrate on getting well. Then consider your options and in particular what your daddy's girl is learning about how to let people treat her.

Thattimeofyearagain · 20/03/2017 18:14

You will break your dd's spirit if you allow her to live in a house with this manchild and think that this is the way relationships work.
Please get advice & get rid of the leach you live with.

TheFlis12345 · 20/03/2017 18:15

So he is a stay at home dad, but doesn't actually want to have to look after the kids? Wow. Isn't that just a cocklodger then?

Original poster
soundsgoodtome1981 · 20/03/2017 18:22

My family would love for me to be able to get out of this relationship. They've seen how much he has brought me down over the years.

I used to be a happy person.

But for now I just need to get better and stronger. It's literally one thing after the other at the moment.

Not sure how much more I can take. Of him and of my illnesses.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 20/03/2017 18:27

"I wish I could break free from him but our eldest is a daddies girl, a very sensitive child and I'm terrified of breaking her heart."
And what do you think staying together will do to her? Remember, you and he are modelling relationships to her. What you are teaching her is that as a female she will be expected to do everything, because her partner is an exotic pet to be looked after and never expected to contribute anything to the relationship/household/family. She is to be an uncomplaining workhorse who's not allowed to be sick. Is that what you want for her?

Or do you think, when you've recovered your strength, you should tell her that daddy has been bullying you and he's in time-out until he learns to play nice and share? Maybe buy her a new book? I'd suggest The Little Red Hen.

"His life is given to him on a plate,it's still not good enough."
Take the plate back.

IamFriedSpam · 20/03/2017 18:28

Sounds like he's too lazy to take over while you're sick and too unimaginative to even invent his own illness.

Janey50 · 20/03/2017 18:30

OP sorry you are so ill and sorry your OH has been so spectacularly unhelpful. I know someone who does what he is doing. Every single time his wife is ill,he suddenly develops the same or worse symptoms. Its pathetic really. And all it boils down to is the fact that he doesn't want to be responsible for looking after their child. I remember when he pretended that he had the norovirus. Very difficult to put it on as you can imagine. His wife had been ill all the previous night,throwing up and had bad stomach pains. By the morning he was telling her he had it. His wife was in bed all day,was sick several times and didn't eat anything until late the next day. He,on the other hand,was not sick once and by that evening was chomping his way through a pile of toast and jam. Meanwhile,his MIL got called in childcare duties. Hope you feel better soon. Flowers for you.

RandomMess · 20/03/2017 18:31

Would you and the DC not be better off moving in with your parents?

WombOfOnesOwn · 20/03/2017 18:38

Your "sensitive child" is probably a "daddy's girl" because sensitive children often seem more attached to whichever parent they perceive as being more in need of help. Your daughter is investing her energy and time into a man who won't ever put that time back into his relationship with her, and setting herself up for an entire lifetime of relationships just like this.

Original poster
soundsgoodtome1981 · 20/03/2017 19:23

When I'm better I will try to be strong enough to leave. I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

OP posts:
SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 20/03/2017 19:26

Oh my word, what a complete cunt.

our eldest is a daddies girl, a very sensitive child and I'm terrified of breaking her heart

You know when you're on a plane and they tell you to put your own vest on before the DS's? Well, your daughter's heart would only break metaphorically. What about your heart?

Original poster
soundsgoodtome1981 · 20/03/2017 19:30

He's just come in trying to take some of my painkillers - he still seems to think he has tonsillitis. There's no way! Like one of the PP, he pretended to have a sickness bug the day after mine. Lots of very loud retching and another day in bed. It's embarrassing.

My DM will support me to do this when I feel ready.

I'm going to insist he goes to the doctors tomorrow for a proper diagnosis if he's so bad he needs my high strength painkillers.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/03/2017 19:32

Sorry to hear you're so unwell.

He sounds like an absolute twat but you need to keep your powder dry while you plan kicking his arse into touch.

He's running you into the ground and you're stressed , hence the constant illnesses and low immune system.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 20/03/2017 19:33

He can pop off to the drs if he is so ill.

He didn't let you rest when you had a HEART INFECTION??? SERIOUSLY?!

Original poster
soundsgoodtome1981 · 20/03/2017 19:39

I do think it's stress related of which he is a direct factor.

Just hope I can get over this and have a second chance. I know that sounds dramatic but I'm really scared.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 20/03/2017 19:44

You could say this: Your feigning illness so you don't have to pull your weight when I am really unwell is a complete fucking embarrassment and no one believes you. You are a really bad liar. Get your act together and pull your weight or just FUCK OFF. Do you think that would be clear enough for him? I feel so sad for you. What a dick he is.

Parker231 · 20/03/2017 19:44

If the DC's are at nursery, why isn't he working?

BhajiAllTheWay · 20/03/2017 19:54

Sounds familiar. My ex would do this . Or if I was tired, he'd say he was too and immediately go to bed before I could say I needed a rest. Bottom line was he just didn't want to do anything that was " work" either in the house or with kids. If I was ill he'd be furious, cause a row then use it as an excuse to go AWOL.You need to get stronger healthier and then sort your future..without him. Your daughter will be fine, much more so than if you tolerate this.

AllllGooone · 20/03/2017 19:54

He sounds horrifying. Get well, get strong, get out. You're doing amazingly to just cope with him, but it's time to live your life now and be happy.

Original poster
soundsgoodtome1981 · 20/03/2017 20:19

Thank you all.

He has a way of making it seem like I am the one finding problems. I had PND after each baby and he blamed pretty much everything on that.

He doesn't work as they are only at nursery 4 hours a day. The price of that is crippling already as they aren't entitled to free places yet.

He always said he would sell things from home (eBay or similar) but it never materialised.

OP posts: